For those that have contacted their birth parents?

Question

How did you go about searching? At what age did you meet your birth mother/father? I am in my thirties, and a part of me would like to meet the woman that gave birth to me for a sense of closure, and then there's another part of me that feels disloyal to my parents for even considering it.

I only think about her on my birthday and sometimes on Mother's Day. I wonder if she remembers she had a baby girl and gave her up for adoption. Does she wonder how I turned out? But if I did try to contact her and she didn't want anything to do with me, that would be like another slap in the face. This woman didn't want to raise me as her child, so why would she want a relationship with me now? And what sort of relationship would that be exactly? So many questions...can anyone help? I think it would be awkward for both of us which is why I never bothered before. I wouldn't even know how to go about finding her since my parens have all my info and I don't dare ask for it. Thanks in advance

Answer 1

I found my firstmom about a year ago on a fluke.  I was looking on a registry and there she was.  She had been looking for me for years.

It was easy for me to contact her because I finally knew she was looking for me.  But like you,  I was afraid to search initially because I didn't think I could deal with the rejection.

The thing is, finding out the truth about my relinquishment has resolved many issues for me.  It changed my life for the better.  Reunion itself is not easy but I am glad I finally have my answers.

The reality is that there are adoptees who get rejected by their first parents and it is very, very difficult for them.

So its a gamble really.  Studies have shown that about 90% of firstmothers actually welcome contact but there is still that 10% who don't.  The odds are on your side but still 10% is daunting.

The other thing is to consider whether you are looking for information or contact yourself.  It might be easy to get the information you want and then decide later if you are ready for contact.  It is really up to you how far you want to go in your search.

But I agree, it is very scary.

Answer 2

Like you I was curious about my birth mother. I had always known who she was, but I had no contact with her. At the age of 13 was when I met her 1st. She did embrace me, but because I had anger(some adoptees don't experince this, i wish i was one of them) I really didn't pursue a releationship w/ her. I saw her again at the age of 19 but by then it was too late, because she was dying of cancer. My adoptive parents were very supportive in me meeting my birth mother. You may be surprised on how supportive your adoptive parents will be. I would be open and honest with them. Reassure them that by you searching you will not love them less or replace them. Explain to them that you are just curious about your birth mom. I bet they will understand. I hope all goes well, if you do decide to search.

Answer 3

I got my non-ID info and then contacted a search angel in my state of birth.  She went above and beyond the call to get my first mother's name, and I will always be grateful for that.  

Yes, it will be awkward.  Yes, you are risking a second rejection.  Yes, that could really, really hurt.  My own reunion never got to the face to face point--but I have more info than I did before.  I don't know how to explain how empowering that feels.  It is worth the pain for me.

I know you love your a'parents.  I know it can feel disloyal to search.  But when I let my a'parents know I was searching, and later told them I'd found her, they were nothing but supportive.  

Your first mother may have been wondering about you all your life, and may have felt that she was "not allowed" to search for you.  I know mine did.  

Some books that helped me are The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide byBailey and Giddens and Adoption Reunions by Michelle McColm.

If you ever want to talk about this, feel free to email me via my profile.

Answer 4

I, too, did not meet my birth father until I was in my late 20's.  I was raised by my loving (step) father whom I always consider my dad and still do.  When we first met, it was like our "honeymoon".  but to be honest, there were a lot of bumps in the road.  It's only been a year since he and I have started to iron out all the resentments, etc.  

As a mother, her thought process probably was that she couldn't give you what you deserved and loved you enough to give you up for adoption in hopes that you would have everything you deserve and much more.  Of course she's not forgotten she had a babygirl.  

If you decide to meet your birth parents, please take it slow.  Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Well, i searched for them and found them both when i was 21. It was emotional, it still is. Luckily I was embraced by each, because I don't know if I would have been able to make it had I been faced with a rejection. I wasn't emotionally ready to be rejected, not that I ever really am, but I "needed" them to accept me at that time in my life and thank GOD they did.

I totally understand about not being able to talk to your aparents about it. Adoption wasn't talked about in my family growing up. I still rarely talk about it with my aparents.

Unfortunately, they know alot, and if you do decide to search, they may have information that could be so valuble to your search. If you can work up the courage, to speak to them about it, possibly bring a book like "journey of the adopted self" so that they know its not about replacing them. Its about your own lifelong search for a part of you that needs closure.

If you really just can't "go there" with them, then write to your states vital records headquarters and get your non identifying information. If you post up what state you're adoption was finalized in, I can give you the address to write, or just google it and you'll find it online. Non ID is definately the place to start. That will give you bits of information about her and maybe even some about "him."

also register w/ the www.isrr.net and if you can afford it and if your state has one, the state registry is always good...sort of.

All of this talk of writing the state, state registries all applies to the state that your adoption was finalized in. If you have moved since then, then you'll need to go through the state that your adoption was finalized in.

good luck!

Answer 6

Ahhhhhhhhhh.I feel your pain sweet heart. Dont know what its is like to  not know my mother. I was brought up by both parents in a loving and caring environment. But what i can surely tell you is that you were robbed of being loved and taken cared of. However, you should not have all those ugly feelings festering. i guess i would never know how it feels to be without my biological parents. But what you should do is approach the situation with an open mind. Search for love and Im sure love is what u will find. I mean a loving mother that really wants to know her baby girl.

Answer 7

I  have have some experience being around people in this situation, that have found birth parents 4 of them.  As you describe there is deep seated complicated feelings, more on the younger persons part.  The parent knows perfectly why this was handled this way.  My husband knows allot of facts about his biological dad and the fellow has many offspring and won't admit to any kids outside his marriage. My daughters boyfriend, knows his dad recently but has welled up anger and will not have a relationship with bio dad who wants one. A friends knowledge of his dad and his address, never did prompt him to engage in confronting him. My grand son dad has no contact and when the day comes he will have to be told his dad (who looks just like him) is a cocaine dealer, and rejected all contact with him.  Seems to me, just meeting the parent would be the big finale, and the conclusion in that meeting.  Reality dictates that---cause what ever they bio are, thats the dna only, cause moms and dads are the ones there every day.

Answer 8

You've described a lot of my own feelings for the past thirty-some odd years very well.  

I, too, wanted to meet her.  I thought it would be just to satisfy that long held curiosity.  And I, too, worried about how my adoptive parents would react.  And I worried about how it would feel to be rejected.  Again.

In other words, everything you've described is normal.  I wish I could tell you that it will all work out fine.  Sometimes it does.  I think it has (so far) for me.  But it doesn't work out for everyone.

I mentally prepared myself for the worst: rejection, or even a grave.  As a result, the acceptance I found at the other end was a pleasant surprise.  My first mom and I are now in the beginning of developing a deep, meaningful relationship.  She did want to raise me, but her mother (and the attitudes of society at the time) pushed her into giving me up.  She spent the next thirty-six years thinking of me, wishing she knew where I was and that I was alright.  You can't be sure what you're going to find on the other end.  But that means you can't be sure she doesn't want to know you now, or even that she really wanted to relinquish you in the first place.  It's the not knowing, for me, that was so hard.

As for my adoptive parents, my amom has been completely supportive of my search and reunion.  Her only hope has been that I not get hurt.  I struggled with telling her for months.  But once I did, I was relieved.  My adad has been more reserved.  But he hasn't lashed out at me, and I don't think our relationship has suffered in any way.  He isn't really interested in my search, but he hasn't taken it personally, so far as I can tell.  

The loyalty question is hard.  And some adoptive parents do take it personally.  But you already know, I think, that it isn't about them, or your feelings about them.  It's about questions you have about your origins.  Those questions are both normal and healthy.  Only you can decide what to do about them, but they don't make you a bad daughter.  

If you want to do a search, one place to start would be requesting your non-identifying info from the state or the agency where the adoption happened.  That's something you don't need your parents for (assuming you're not a minor).  From there, you can find a lot of resources online to do a search.  If you know your birthdate and place, you can already register with online registries like the one at http://www.isrr.net

I wish you luck.  And if you are looking for some support, I cannot recommend this forum enough:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And I'll second Isabel's recommendation of Birthright by Strauss.  It's a very, very good book, with lots of practical advice for searching as well as lots of discussions about the emotional turmoil involved.

Answer 9

Honey, I know how you feel. I ask myself the same questions every day. I think you should try to find her. I've always been afraid to make contact with her, and I never bring it up with my mom. She always seems so hurt that I would bring up the subject! I just wanted to tell you that you should go and find her. She probably loves you, but couldn't take care of you for one reason or another.

Answer 10

<<I don't dare ask for it>>

You are in your 30s? What is stopping you?  The fact is, no matter what you find out, at least you will know the truth.  No matter what, your a-parents remain your parents.  In most countries, at either 18 or 21, adoptees are given all of their information because secrecy isn't a good thing. Not here.  Try listing your basic info on various adoption reunion registries. Also, join an adoptee search group on Yahoo!Groups.  You probably could get some answers to some of your questions from your viewpoint.