For those who adopted out of foster care...?

Question

We are adopting out of foster care, and our son is aware of why he lives with us and he understands that he can't see his mommy till she gets better.

What are some of the grieving stages that you experienced with your children - big or small?

What can I do to help him grieve or should I just let him do it on his own, in his own time. What I do now is just listen to him when he says he misses her and we agree and give him a hug and tell him that she still loves him.

He is starting to get angry...when he doesn't get his way and will scream at the top of his lungs - I hate her, I hate everyone...etc. While I do not condone the blood curdling screaming, I don't want to tell him to stop. He will belt out a few of these screams if he has to do something he doesn't want to do...we just simply tell him that we don't scream like this in our house and if he does it again, he goes to bed 5 minutes early.

He has a book of some pictures of her and has asked to look at it from time to time, but hasn't since the TPR, should I take this out and just leave it next to his bed...this worry's me as he isn't sleeping at all. He averages about 4-5 hours a night, because he says that he can't sleep he only thinks about his mommy! We have him on a natural supplement recommended by his dr to help regulate his sleep...and school is helping him be more tired at the end of the day as well.

Just wondering...

No thumbs down or ridicule

Answer 1

It would help to know how old he is  

Answer 2

mmmm...careful with leaving the pictures in his care. Maybe make copies if you do. My son (5) went thru a very angry stage of grieving and destroyed any document with the CAS symbol on it, including his and his sister immunization records. He also destroyed pictures of her. He may regret it when he is older and wanting those pictures back. So be sure to make copies.

Also, be sure to leave your own feelings about his mom at the door when talking to him about her. It is a hard spot for you to sit in because if you are to positive about her, he may feel invalidated and if you are too negative, you can seriously harm his self esteem and sense of self.

At his age, you really need to teach him how to talk about emotions. Teach him it is okay to talk about emotions. Talk to him about what happy is and sad is and frustrated is etc etc. This was imperative to my sons healing. If a child can name how he or she feels, that is half the battle. He will move thru his grief at his own pace. Never expect that he not take two steps back every so often. Watch to make sure he does not get stuck in a certian area, and if he does,  you can get him the help he may need.

If you look at the very first post I ever posted on yahoo answers, you will see that it was two years ago, after my son first found out that his mom would not be in his life anymore. He began to scream. He screamed for four months, between 4 to 6 hours a day/night. It was very primal.

Every child will grieve differently.

Answer 3

i dont know the age, but it seems like your doing a good job with him. ask him time to time if he wants to look at the pictures with you, and tell him his mommy loves him often ....thats really all you can do that i know of. maybe over time he will not worry about it so much and be comfortable with you and not htink of his mommy so much

Answer 4

I would just warn you that it will or can arise at any time throughout his life, no matter how fine he seems. So just allowing him the freedom to be open with you at all times is crucial.

Is he getting any therapy?

My office mate (who is adopting out of foster care) is thinking about trying to get her 3 year old into attachment therapy (if he's old enough) due to some signs he his showing that reflect his past in the system. (birth - 1y/o)

Just a thought.

Do you have a court date yet?

I wouldn't push the book on him, he probably has it memorized. I would try to say positive things about her. So he doesn't worry about her like; it takes adults a long time to learn how to change and she couldn't change fast enough become a good mommy to you, but she IS changing and will be OK.

I think the screaming needs to stop. Although, IDK how old he is. But it needs to be an immediate resolution, unless the early bedtime is working....go with it. But I would say that he can either go to his room close the door and scream in his pillow (an appropriate outlet for this type of thing) then come talk about it when he's done, or he needs to stop and put more words to his feelings. Maybe have a strucured screaming session. I've done this with some of the kids I've worked with. You set a certain time of day or when you see him escalating, have a sceream session. You can join in and scream about your ffrustrations of the day, or even frustarations about himand this situation. like "I HATE IT WHEN MY SON GETS SO MAD HE HAS TO SCREAM" to "I HATE THAT YOUR BIRTH MOTHER DID THIS TO YOU" to "I HATE IT WHEN THE BOYDS IN THE HOUSE LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP" Assure him its is OK to hate her and its OK to love her at the same time. If he didn't love her he wouldn't be so upset. I hope this was of some help.

Answer 5

attachment therapy has no real backing and in general is a bunch of cons making money off of the foster care system and unrealistic adoptive parents

http://www.commonplacesketchbook.com/chi...

http://childtorture.wordpress.com/

http://poundpuplegacy.org/files/APSAC%20...