For those who belong to more than one role in the "adoption triad"?

Question

I know we have some people here who are both an adoptee and a birthmother and some who are both an adoptee and an adoptive parent. Whether it be adoptee/birth mother or adoptee/ adoptive parent, how do you think these duel roles have shaped your thoughts, feeling, attitudes about adoption? Do you find that one of these roles has shaped you more than the other?

Answer 1

I am part of a sort of adoption triad, although not the ones you mentioned.  

I am a birthmom, and my husband was adopted.

This has helped me to respect the fact that some adopted kids do not want to have any part in meeting or getting to know their birthmoms.  My husband is fine with the family he has.  I do hope to talk to and perhaps be friends with the baby I had, but if I don't, I'll be just fine, partly because of this new perspective.  

I still think of adoption as a wonderful thing, regardless of my husband's experience.  Mine went well.  His did not.  That has not shaped my stance.

Hope this helps~

Answer 2

I am an adoptive mother. Also my sister was placed for adoption (more like taken for adoption) when I was 7. Her placement made me feel horrible and that fact that I couldn;t have contact her shaped the relationship I have wth my sons b-mom. I want more than anything for her to know him..

Answer 3

I do not belong to more than one role, and I am sorry if I offend anyone, but I refuse to have more than one role. I am an adoptee, and I feel that I have been wronged by both sets of parents since both have permanently refused to have me as their daughter. If I had kids (biological kids) then I would teach them abstinence, not because s*x is wrong but because if they give up their own flesh and blood to a stranger or if they murder their own flesh and blood, then that is on their conscience alone.

Answer 4

While I cannot answer "personally" to your question, my son's bio family is in a similar situation.  His bio grandparents have been on two sides of the triad as they adopted both their children 30+ years ago.  Their (adopted) son is my son's bio-father.  So in essence, since we actually adopted from our son's bio grandparents, they have been on both sides of the journey.  They have told us that because they experienced being able to adopt their children, it made it easier for them to help create an adoption plan for their grandson knowing that they could not care for him properly due to their age & health concerns.  They actually had custody of our son because of problems at birth.  (That being said, just to be clear, the bio parents were also involved in the decision to make the adoptive plan for their son - they just were not allowed to care for him without outside assistance - which they refused).

Answer 5

Wow, one in the morning is way too late to be thinking this hard LOL. I am an adoptee and nmom.

My son was coerced from me prior to my reunion with my natural  mom. At the time I bought all the promises of us both having a better life after. I really thought I was holding the reins. Part of me saw that the social worker wasn't really giving me an option but I was desperate to think I was doing the "right" thing. I was young and ignorant. After meeting my mom and hearing her story I started to think about Justin's adoption. I started to hear the threats behind the social worker's words and by that time my open adoption was closed. I think that at the time of his adoption I was not thinking about my own adoption at all. After meeting with my mom and discovering this amazing family who was out there waiting for me I slowly started to see the darker side of adoption. I also started seeing a therapist for an eating disorder and in the process I was amazed at how often I brought up being adopted. It was as if I finally accepted that I was an adoptee. Prior to this I had just pushed it out of my mind for the most part. Unless I was making up imaginary "birth" families to cover my sense of loss over my amom's death.

I think that the role of adoptee has shaped me far more. I have been adopted for 30+ years. I grew up adopted, learned how to be "me" adopted and was coerced into adoption as an adopted person. So while they have both helped shape the adult I am now being adopted also shaped the infant, child and teen that I was.

Answer 6

Being adopted is simply part of who I am, who I have always been, who I will always be.  I didn't choose it, can't change it.  That is my only role in the a-triad...sorry I'm cheating by answering your question.  Being a mom (my b-kids) is a big part of who I am.  Obviously, I have not always been a mom.  And I hope my kids do grow up and move away someday.  I'll still be their mom, but not the intense dad-to-day mothering that I have to do now.  I chose to become a parent.  So, being a parent is a huge part of my life...but it is not part of my original sense of self.

Answer 7

Not quite sure I qualify to answer this question.  I am an adoptee.  And I was a teen mom.  Although I married my child's father, we divorced when I was 18.  As soon as the word 'divorce' came out of my mouth, my a-mom began to pressure me into relinquishing my daughter, who was then a year old.  When I refused, she tried to have my daughter removed from my home/custody, but failed.  

As a teen mom, I felt that I would have chosen abortion before I gave a child of mine up for adoption.  I'm not saying that this is right or that anyone should...that was just my emotional response during a very difficult time in my teens.

As as adoptee, I didn't want to have what I felt would be two holes in my life...not knowing who my bio-mom was and not knowing what happened to my child.  Nor did I want my child to spend her life wondering why I'd given her up or believing that I didn't "want her".    

Tho my pregnancy was unplanned, having my daughter was my choice.  Every child should be wanted.  

From my experiences, I believe in making the thought of abortion unnecessary.  But adoption is not the only answer to an unplanned pregnancy.  Help moms keep their babies.  Teach them parenting skills if needed.

As I've said many times, I'm not anti-adoption.  Sometimes it is the best solution, and sadly, in some circumstances, it is the only one.  I support the women who've chosen adoption for their children.  My only hope is that is was indeed their choice, and not something they felt forced or pressured to do.