For those who came from broken families, has your parents' separation had a vast negative impact on you?

Question

For those who came from broken families, has your parents' separation had a vast negative impact on you?

Answer 1

I rather them being separated than living together and arguing all the time. The only thing I miss are family gatherings on holidays =(

Answer 2

My parents divorced when I was 7.  I can just barely remember what it was like having them together, my dad was on the road a lot and had rage issues when he was at home.  Our lives improved after the divorce.  I did not have much of a relationship with my dad when I was little, and next to no contact with his family, and while I did act out a bit in my 20’s as I had some trust issues with men, now in my 30’s I am married and see my dad on a much more regular basis than I ever did as a kid.  He even comes over and hangs out with my mom over coffee sometimes.  (okay, that is a bit weird but it is great that they get along.)  My mom always made sure we kids did not have a negative opinion of him, no matter how bad he had been to her and no matter that he didn’t pay his child support half the time and she sometimes had to work 3 jobs to support us.  He only rarely wanted to spend time with us, but when he did, she never said no.  But we were lucky.  Not all kids of divorce are lucky enough to have parents that handle things in a mature and adult fashion.

Divorce itself isn’t so much the problem.  The problems begin when the kids get dragged through nasty, bitter divorces where the parents are too selfish to think about anyone but themselves and forget that they are supposed to be setting examples for their children.  And they use the innocent kids as pawns and poison the kids against one another.  THAT is what screws kids up more than anything.

Answer 3

I came from a broken family...very broken...and was raised by my alcoholic single father (saw Mom every other weekend). I wouldn't say that I was impacted by the divorce, but I was only 4. I WAS greatly impacted by the alcoholism. I was also greatly impacted by the fact that my mom watched us go back into the alcoholic home and did nothing. That said, my relationship with her is good now. My dad has been sober for 15 years. I am now 30 and can say that the level of respect I have for my mom is greatly diminished (she cheated on my dad in 1981) and that I feel closer to my dad and always have. Again though, I love both and accept their mistakes and forgave them long ago.

Answer 4

I notice that those answering all were in the category of not badly affected by a divorce. There are two categories, those who's parents had an amicable or friendly divorce, and whom continued to get along while they co-parented their children, and those who are vicious, use children as weapons, force children to choose, refuse to pay child support, leave the "old" children behind for the "new" children, and the list goes on and on of how badly children in this category can be affected by immature and selfish parents.

There is a right way and a wrong way to handle a divorce when children are involved. Sadly, those in the wrong category far outweigh those who are not. Additionally, most young people, and adults from broken homes who were negatively affected will not respond to this question. Why wouldn't the respond? Because family loyalty is drilling into the heads of children, and especially children of broken homes have warped ideas of family loyalty and will not disparage their parents in any forum, even one where there is a semblance of anonymity.

It is a fact that most children from broken homes do far more poorly when compared to their peers from unbroken homes. Children blame themselves for parental divorce, even those children of parents who deal with the divorce in an amicable manner. Here is some information on how poorly these children do:

http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/fami...

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/child...

http://www.divorcesource.com/info/childr...

http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/divorcedd...

My parents had an extremely amicable divorce. They split everything down the middle, and remain very close and loving friends to this day. When I say they split everything down the middle, I mean everything, including us children. There are four of us, and my mother took the eldest and youngest, and my father took the two middle. I am one of the middle children.

We lived in a small town, with one school district, and so could attend our same school regardless of where we lived. Due to the size of our town, (5,000) we could easily visit with each other any time we pleased. Our parents had regular family get-to-gathers which both always attended, regardless of their current marital state. My father never remarried, and my mother just divorced her fourth husband.

Regardless of how amicable my parents divorce was, we children were still negatively affected in numerous manners. First off, each of us blamed ourselves. Second, each of us thought the parent we didn't live with didn't want us. Who splits children down the middle, for crying out loud? However, now we are all grown with children of our own, and one of us has grandchildren. We no longer blame ourselves, nor think the parent we didn't' live with didn't want us.

Anyway, if you are asking because you are concerned how divorce may affect your children look at those links I provided. Also, there is a lot of information online on how to help children cope with a divorce, things to do and things that should not be done.

Good luck and have a nice day.

Answer 5

No, their divorce was their choice I guess. Yeah I didn't really have a guy around me and stuff, but it happened. You cant change it or make it go away I guess. If it had any negative effects I can't really tell because I have had them since I was 7.  

Answer 6

Good question!  

I often think about how my divorce has/will manifest itself in my 16 year old daughter (who was only 5 when we divorced).  Over the years, I have noticed many of these negative affects, such as lack of trust, an independent spirit that is far too developed for a teenager, total mis-understanding of marriage and what a good relationship between a man and a woman can and is supposed to be like, low self-esteem, various social problems, etc.

It breaks my heart to see this develop, despite my efforts to stay involved in her life over the years, the fact remains that she lives away from me...not too far, but not being able to see her everyday after school, at the dinner table, helping with homework, etc. is far enough that I couldn't play as active a role in her upbringing as I wanted, and deserved.  I knew back then that she would have a hard life, so I've done the best I can to provide for her financially, although by no means will she be given, nor inherit wealth, hopefully I can help her through the even more difficult times ahead of her.              

Answer 7

I dated a girl for a while whose parents diveroced at 16. She claimed that her issues were because of their breakup but, after being involved with her for 2 years, I came to understand that their breakup had little to nothing to do with it. Her problems were caused as fallout of her parents psychological disorders.

She might be an extreme case. Both her parents are exceptionally controlling and her mother tries to relive her own life through her daughter regardless of what the daughter does - the mother is an expert at manipulation. Her father is selfish and "didnt feel like making time" for his kids for more than half a decade.  

Answer 8

I don't think it was the actual divorce/separation that caused a negative impact on my life.  My parents fought constantly, which caused me to be anxious and I cried all the time when I would hear them fight.  Once they separated the fighting stopped and I was a much happier child.  They kept things amicable and never put my siblings and I in the middle.  there was never a court custody battle, which made it easier (I have friends that their parents were constantly in and out of court and it made them miserable).

The negative impact on my life was when my parents moved on.  My mom would often introduce me to her new boyfriends way too soon and I would get attached, not too long later they would break up and be out of my life.  For the longest time I had a fear that any boyfriend I had would leave me and it took a long time to get over.  Also when my father remarried, his wife tried to take my mother's place (literally, she would bad mouth my mother and try to be way to involved in my life).  I think my parents really could have handled that aspect a lot better then they did.

Answer 9

Dear Asker,

I am glad to answer your question because this has been the struggle of my life.

Ever since i can remember, my parents have fought. It was mostly my dad, but it was horrible. I can still see images of it as i am typing right now. I always had to try to protect my mother, or prevent my father from going crazy, breaking and throwing things.

Growing up, i didn't think much of it because i was little and i just did not really know what to think. But when i was little i was very quite, not social, not outgoing. But the older i got, the more i understood what was happening.

Finally, my parents got a divorce couple years ago and it had absolutely no effect on me. I had seen a lot and been through a lot that it did not effect me. Also, i really try to ignore it and focus on my personnel life. My mom often says that i'm selfish, but sometimes it is good to disengage.

Rather, i knew that it was going to be a new start for my mother, my brother, and me. I knew that life would be more peaceful.

I really hope i could help. Because children should not have to suffer because of the adults.

Best Regards.  

Answer 10

Yes, definitely an impact.   However, after many years you have to let go and make the best life possible for yourself.  

As a married adult now, I work harder to make sure my marriage/family is strong.   The sad part about today's society is the it underestimates the value of a good marriage as well as underestimates the damages caused by divorce.

Answer 11

no...lots of families get divoreced it's normal no big deal my parents got seperated/divorced like this month well seperated in december and divorced last month and im already use to it. my parents have joint custody of me and my two older brothers and my mom has a baby on the way with her boyfriend.

Answer 12

no, but they're not divorced yet, just separated. It's had a negative impact in the way that I feel like marriage never works out properly and it has made me hate my mom even more.  

Answer 13

NO

Of course when I was young, I cried alot for my dad because I remember seeing him every two weeks. I missed him alot but no, I have a great relationship with my dad and my mom so I turned out OK.