For those who have closed an "open" adoption: When did you close it & what was your motivation/reason for so?

Question

I am curious as to reasons adoptive parents felt they should close an adoption that was intended to be "open" and at what stage in the relationship the first family was "removed" from the situation.

And: Did you have a specified agreement or not? (IE: written agreement, verbal agreement, "expectations of openness" form, etc.)

Also: Under what circumstances would you allow the first parents back into the picture? Why or why not?

Answer 1

We wanted an open adoption but we will not do it since the birthparents are not respectful of the parent/child relationship.  If they agree to counseling (which is free by the way) we would definitely consider opening it back up because that would be the best thing for my child.

Answer 2

When I adopted my son, I had offered for the adoption to be open on paper, which the first mom just said to write the papers, and we'd work it out.  Basically, on paper, the adoption is closed.  However, she knows where we live, I've invited her several times, in fact my son's biological grandmother visited today, but first mom doesn't visit at all.  I do post pictures on myspace for her and all other bio family members to see and keep up with, but it is her choice that she doesn't see him.  The bio dad does come.  I wish she would visit him, and let him have the opportunity to know both her and his first dad.  I wonder if other first moms have experienced feelings where they don't visit.

Answer 3

This is a good question because I think it addresses the issue of when do adoptive parents start looking at the best interest of their child and stop trying to please all parties involved.

I believe "open" adoption is truly the only way to go if the birth parents are known.  The issue is that respect must be given from all parties.  I feel at times that people on Y/A want birth parents to be cuddled and protected when in truth it should be the children.  I think if a birth parent or birth grandparent crosses the line of respect for the new family which was created then that is when the agreement should be reviewed.

My son's adoption was a family adoption through the state.  My husband and I sat down and offered an open adoption arrangement.  This was not even required because the birth parents right were terminated, but because the BM was family I wanted to have an open arrangement.  

During visitation before the adoption was finalized the BM told my son that I was not his mommy, he was 3 at the time and had been placed in the system at 10 months old.   This caused trama to my son, he was so upset he came to me and was like "you are my momma right" I said "yes, you have two momma's, me and momma "sara".  You would think a mother would want to protect their child, but oh not her.  I had always told my son he had two mommies, he even had a picture of her that I gave him, at that time I even referred to her as Momma "Sara", but when she did this, I was upset.  I gave her respect but then she denies who I was.  Of course I did not find out exactly what was said until after the visit when my son told me along with his older half-brother/cousins.  My husband and I said at that point we would only allow supervised visits then.   The sad thing is that she then went 19 months without a phone call, letter, or visit.

When she finally did come around it was a surpised visit, we did not know she was coming with the birth grandmother.  At this point we discussed again that it was not healthly for her to just show up when he can not be prepared, and that she went all that time with no contact.  We then agreed upon weekend visits every 6 months where she could come and stay with us, but that never happened.  My son has not heard from her for over 12 months, no letters or calls.  I did find her on the internet site and added her as a friend so she could see pictures and I received one short email from her but that is all.

I also do not allow alone time visits with the birth grandmother anymore because last time she told him she was his only grandmother and this hurt my son because he is very close to my mother.  He told her that "No, MiMi is my grandmother too."  He is older now and quite smart, so he has started to stand his ground.  I also allowed him the choice now what he would like to call "Sara", the options were Sara, Momma Sara, or Aunt Sara.  He choose Aunt Sara, so now when we talk about her we refer to her as Aunt Sara.

I do hope down the road that she will eventually write or call, but at this moment the only one he still has contact with is his birth grandmother.  His BM has moved from state to state and currently lives 20 hours away.

Answer 4

Our adoption is still open, though beginning sometime this year, it will have significantly less face to face contact. My husband's job is moving us out of state.  :(

Our "agreement" on paper, calls for letters and pictures once a year after the child turns one, passed through the agency.

Our practical agreement, (verbal) is that his mom can have as much contact as she likes, as long as she doesn't do something that would be completely out of character for her, like being convicted of a felony, becoming addicted to drugs, or dating or marrying someone who is abusive.

Currently, she has him overnight one night a week, and they talk regularly on the phone.  We're going to have to switch to scheduled visits several times a year, for longer periods, like weekends during the school year, or weeks of vacation.