Foster/Adopt parents???

Question

My husband and I are finishing up our homestudy this week. We are excited but at the same I am very nervous. We can't have children of our own, so this process is already emotional. I am just scared of getting attached to a child and having to let them go. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!!

Answer 1

My husband and I are in a similar situation. We don't have any children and can't have any. We just actually mailed off our application yesterday. So, we're early in the process. Attend an adoption orientation and buy the book "Adoption for Dummies." It is very informative. I think the most important thing to do, you're doing: research. You need to know what you're in for and what the likely outcomes are for each situation. We've chosen to foster with the hopes of adoption. We've asked for a child from 0-3 years old since babies are hard to come by in the public sector. Whatever you chose take your time and make an informed decision because you're life and your child's life will forever be changed by this process. Good luck!

Answer 2

I used to be a foster care worker. I don't know how your state works but if you are going to be foster parents it will be a tough process. I would want children that have been abandoned by family and their mothers. These children seldom see their parents and they want to try to get them adopted as soon as possible. Especially babies. Most states try to get permanency for children within a twelve month period meaning they want to try to terminate parental rights by the close of one year. That does not mean that the adoption is final in one year, but it means that the parents rights have been terminated and the child is free for adoption. Please beware of pop- up relatives. Some times they don't know the children are in custody and they pop up later. Your worker Will really have to advocate for you. PLEASE stay on top of your worker and the progress of the case. They have high caseloads and can't always keep you in the loop so be diligent about your kids.Good Luck! YOU ARE DOING A GREAT THING!

Answer 3

We've learned the hard way that foster care is a heart wrenching process. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and we tried for five years to conceive. We became foster parents taking babies 0-1yr. We have had three boys through foster care. Our first was only with us for five days our second for 1 month and or third.... Well we've had him almost two years now. We were told by CPS that we would be able to adopt..bio mom's rights were severed bio dad is john doe... we had all our paper work filed adoption date set... and two weeks before finalization a bio aunt said she wanted him. We've spent the last 11 months in court battles...We had the right to fight since we were considered an adoptive placement by CPS. Well despite all our efforts, and the traumatic effect visitation has had on our son... The state favors family reunification. So this Saturday he leaves... The ONLY solace I have is knowing that we've had him and loved him. But I like any mother am terrified for him and there is NOTHING I can do. So yes love those kids with all you have but until the ink is dry on your adoption papers, prepare your self for the worst... we were not prepared.

Answer 4

Congratulations!  

We will be adopting our little guy (2 years old now) really soon and are very excited, but it was a roller coaster ride... but worth every minute of it.  We always said that if we lost him, it was not meant to be.... but I did shed quite a few tears in the stressful times (in court, during visits with the attorneys, caseworkers, etc).

You have to have faith that if it is meant to be for you, it will happen.  I know several people that have fostered children under the age of 1 and have recently adopted them or are about to.  It was difficult for them too, but were successful in the end.  

There are no guarantees when the child's parent's rights have not been terminated, but that's the best way to get the younger children.  The one's who's rights have been terminated are usually older.  

Best wishes!

Answer 5

I was a foster kid, you are going to go thru h**l and back, but if you can touch one kids life then it will all be worth it! You are going to have to see it from their eyes, We as foster kids feel betrayed and abandoned as it is! Dont betray our trust or nothing will ever work out and we will NEVER trust you again. Earning the trust and keeping the trust of your foster child should be one of the most important things for you to do! And dont be upset if for the first few days or weeks the foster children are skeptical..... a new foster family is a BIG CHANGE! I hope that everything goes very well for you and if you need any help, feel free to contact me @ [e-mail]. I will tell you this, if it wasn't for my foster parents I wouldnt be what i am now. I own a Auto Garage and Repo company! I am going to college to become a Child Protective Services caseworker, and plan to make a difference like was done for me! BEST OF LUCK!!!

Answer 6

Others have given you great advice so I'll just add this: please don't refer to biological children as "children of our own." Any child you adopt will be your own. Look into some adoption terminology to make your future children's transition easier.

Answer 7

Should you get attached to a child and the unthinkable happens (you have to let them go), realize that this is exactly how a (birth) parent who looses their child must also feel.  

Whether you are a prospective adoptive parent, a foster parent, or a birth parent, loosing a child is a painful experience.  We will all do better by empathizing with one another.

Hold dear in your heart that YOU are making a difference in a child's life. You may not be there to see the outcome. It may not be the outcome you hoped for. But it MATTERS.  And what you're doing MATTERS GREATLY.  And what you don't realize now is that you will GAIN so much MORE than you GIVE.  Any pain you may feel will seem worthwhile, though you may not realize this until many years from now.  You will get glimpses of it now and then, however.

I know, because I survived my daughter's teen years.  I know, because I am the parent of a special needs son.  I know because I am a parent and now a grandparent. I know, because I took care of someone else's child who I will never see again (I will always remember him - his name is Luke). I know because I am a CASA - a court appointed special advocate to a child in foster care.

Because you are strong enough.  Because you have enough love in your hearts. Because you have the will to be parents.

PS Ask for a CASA for your child. Check out the web site

www.nationalcasa.org  Best wishes!

ETA: Definitely keep the focus on KIDS, as Tripp pointed out. It should primarily be about providing a home & a family to a child who needs one.

Answer 8

Only accept a child that has already been relinquished and you won't have to worry about that.  We did fost-adopt and got a 3 and 4 year old who had already been relinquished.  We were offered to be matched for another sibling pair, but their parents were still visiting and fighting the adoption.  We said, thanks, but no thanks.  Your worker will explain in detail how involved the parents are in their visitation, etc.  If you are considering a match, make sure you know when was the last time the birth parents saw the children, how often have the visited in the past year, are they fighting the adoption, etc.  You'll know when the situation is right for you.  My girls had only been visited 3 times in 18 months and the last time had been over a year ago.  Not much risk involved there even if they hadn't been relinquished for adoption by the court.  Good luck.

Answer 9

You have to separate the two, foster and adopt.  When fostering, you are providing love, support and a home to a child who for whatever reason cannot live with natural parents.  Until the social workers say "adoption" never think of it that way.  As foster parents we have jobs to do, and that includes at times family reunification.  

We were foster parents for years and had one child who it looked like she was going to stay forever but at the last hour (literally) the mom and dad cleaned up.  Were we devastated?  Abosoultely but we did our job and letting her go was hard but she was never ours to begin with.  I still miss her to this day but the birth mom let's me visit so its okay.

I guess what I am saying is that foster care is about caring for children, not necessarily about you getting children.  YOu can get hurt that way.  Just do your job, lvoe the kids and let the universe take its course.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Several answerers have stated you should only take children already placed for adoption.  I don't think it is that simple...

If you want to adopt older kids, say 5 years or older, then there are many kids in the foster system who are available for adoption and you won't have to wait very long.  However, if you want to adopt a younger child, then you may have a very long wait.  Younger children are much easier to place and there can be a lot of competition to adopt them.  

However, if you are willing to take that chance and foster 'legal risk' kids, then you should do it.  It will shorten your wait time and increase your chances of adopting younger children.

This is based on our experience.  We submitted our 'file' several times for kids already placed for adoption.  Every time, we never even heard back from the local CPS office because they had so many files to choose from.  (This is not to say that there is a glut of adoptive parents, just that younger kids are 'desirable').  Eventually, we had two brothers placed with us as legal risk.  We adopted them not long ago, something that would have been very unlikely if we had waited for a 'pure' adoption placement.

Yes, it is a gamble, but it can be worth it.  If you take the 'safe' route, you can expect things to take a lot longer.