Foster kid. Should I find my real parents?

Question

I was put into foster care when I was a child because my biological parents were really abusive. I grew up in foster care.

Now, I am an adult. I have not had any contact with my biological parents for over 15 years and I don't even know where they are.

Do you think I should try and find them?

Any advice?

Answer 1

I've always thought about this. I'm not a foster child, but if I had foster parents that loved me like their own, i'd feel bad looking for my "real" parents.

If i found out i was adopted, i'd not look for my parents.

Chances are if your parents were abusive...then you could get hurt again (not physically, but mentally) anything could happen.

Good luck and best wishes with whatever you decide.

Answer 2

The fact that you are even asking this shows that you must have questions inside.  

These are questions that only you can decide for youself.  Do you need closure?  Do you want to ask them why, see if they've changed, show them that they couldn't hurt you?

If finding them is something you really want to do, then you have every right to do it.  Adopted/fostered people never know what the outcome will be, it is best to go into it with no expectations, but it's hard.  Feelings and emotions come up that we never knew existed.

Maybe writing down all the reasons you want to find them will help you sort things out.  Figuring out the reasons why can go a long way in helping you deciding whether or not to actually search.

Whatever you decide, good luck.  Make sure you have a very SUPPORTIVE network of friends and loved ones around you if you decide to do it.  It's a very emotional journey, to be sure.  And make sure you are SAFE, if they were abusive to you as a child, one never knows if they have changed...maybe they have, one can hope, but it's best to be careful and keep your own safety paramount.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Noone can really advise you well on this one.

My mother gave us up to Children's Aide because she couldn't afford to feed and house us.  When she found a new husband he refused to  marry her unless she gave us up.  I decided it was so traumatic for her to have to give us up, that I wouldn't want to make her feel bad again by looking her up.  That was my choice.  I'd love to find my siblings, however.

If they were abusive to you, and that's why you were fostered, then what is the benefit of finding them?  What can you gain by finding them? What do you want from them?

You have to admit that they were abusive and didn't give you the love you wanted and needed.

Do you feel a need to tell them off?

Do you hope they will finally love you ?

did they give you up or were you removed from their home?

There's no guarantee that they have healed and finally become the parents you wanted and deserved.  

You have to think of all those things and especially what you really NEED in order to decide what to do.  

If there's nothing positive to be gained, is it worth locating people who hurt you in the past?

Good luck.  It's a hard decision.

cw

Answer 4

i am 26 years old was in fostercare since i was 5 years old i have always known where to find my parents but never wanted to. i have 2 brothers and 4 sisters, that i have kept close contact with, and some of them did stay in touch with my parents.  about 5 years ago i felt like i wanted to know them because i was missing out on having parents. (foster parents didnt want anything to do with their foster kids after the checks stopped comin) anyways i looked them up and tried to have a relationship and it still to this day i feel  it was a mistake. my mom now lives with me and my husband. she is lazy and does not have a job. i feel bad becasue i know if i kick her out she will go to a shelter. my dad died 3 years ago but from the time i looked him up untill he passed he always needed money or a ride somewhere. i guess what i think is that they didnt really want a relationship with me, so thats why they  take advantage of me. ( im in the process of trying to get one of my brothers to let my mom live with him) i wouldnt waste your time.

Answer 5

The right thing to do would be to find them, but id wait even longer just to let them think about what they did. Even if you do love them right now.

Answer 6

This really all depends.

Do you want to find them? That is the real question. Do you NEED to know who they are? Do you NEED to ask why they did what they did? (And realize there is never a good answer.) Do you want to make them a part of your life? Or do you just want to be angry with them, and express it?

If not, leave well enough alone. You were taken away for a reason, and I can only assume you grew up in a loving home despite why you were placed there.  Nothing they could say is going to change what happened, and it might only make you more angry.

Answer 7

i had a similar situation as you are in. i decided to and now i regret it. i again have no contact. it was not worth my time or emotional stress from just the few visits i had. now i have nightmares and troubles sleeping almost every night. this is just my expierience and there is a chance you might react negatively but remember people change. maybe you can look them up and see them without them seeing you so you can decide for yourself if they are living a lifestyle you want getting intertwined with yours. good luck. listen to your heart and mind and maybe a good friend that knows you really well.

Answer 8

This is a decision only you can make for yourself.  I've worked with many foster children and from what i've seen those who seek out the parents they never knew have been curious about (biologically) where they came from.  It seems as though for many former foster children they are looking at from an identity point of view.  i mean someone could have the most wonderful adoptive or foster parents and feel all the love in the world from them, however it does not replace where a child has come from.  many foster children are struggling to find their identity and for some just meeting their biological parents can help resolve any questions they may have so that they can move on and form their identities.

i don't know if this is true for you or for what reasons you may want to meet them.  i would just caution you to not have high expectations for your parents because they may or may not have changed in the last 15 years.  don't set yourself up for disappointment because that is what will hurt you in the long run.  i would be more concerned about your emotional health than your physical safety.  you are an adult now and probably know what to do to protect yourself.  good luck with your decision.

Answer 9

Thats a decision only you can make hun, if you wnat to then go for it.

Answer 10

Well if I were in your place, I sure would want to. After all, they ARE your parents, and it would be great to finally see them right?

Answer 11

Wow, This is very hard, I know because I have delt with a very similar situation. I was removed for abuse and later seperated from my sisters, then luckly I was adopted.

I decided to find my biological parents, and family.  I was not prepared how ever for what I found. My family has not changed that I can see, and it has been hard to accept.

I really wanted to be able to see that losing me and my sisters was so horrible that they had to change. Unfortunately, they didn't care, it was everyones fault but theirs. On the upside I love my sibs, there are 9, and I get along with some of the family quite well.

For me I think I have growen and figured out that THEY are not really what makes ME, and I don't think I would change meeting them. I just wish I hadden't built up all the expectations.

In the long run I think you will have to decied what your motivations are, and wether your strong enough to deal with the disapointment as well as the issues that have brought you there.

Answer 12

Darling, only look for them, if the worst you could possibly imagine about what they might have become is something you can live with.

For example, what kind of abuse? (Don't answer that here, that's for your consideration.)

But, if it was physical, could you handle seeing one or both of them brutalized, being what the long-term effects of that often cause?

'Or, latching on, & calling you constantly to complain, or otherwise emotionally unburden themselves?

If it was sexual, ...I suspect you've seen the news tonight, some people don't know boundaries. And, your reconnecting could be seen as an invitation by them to re-initiate whatever behavior they got in trouble for before.

Before you do it, if you decide to, make sure you're financially stable enough, also, to be able to disappear, if they turn out to be hacks, -Cut off your phone & get another # w/o putting a recording on the previous 1, possibly relocating, ...

In a situation like that, unfortunately you never know what you might find, and I believe you should plan your escape route, in advance, if you're planning on going into a formerly burning building that may still be smoldering.

Good luck.

Answer 13

What would it mean to you to find them?  Would it give you closure or just upset you more?  If your foster parents treated you well and loved you, maybe you don't need to know your "real" parents.  Just think carefully on what you hope to gain from finding them so you are not disappointed

Answer 14

Why not, they still your parents and for sure they want to meet you especially your mother and they really don't want to be separated from them.

Answer 15

Given the history of violence it would probably be a bad idea.

Answer 16

What if they wont want to have anything to do with you? That's the sad truth, and how the world really is. Best of luck to you!

Answer 17

My late best friend was a foster child, and grew up in many different homes.  The sole reason why he wanted to find his biological parents was to find other family who maybe wanted to know him.  Didn't work out as both parents had died and there didn't appear to be any surviving relatives.   While he was doing his search, he himself died after being hit by a drunk driver.

I would want to know, realizing that it could be ugly.  If, for no other reason, than to find out if there were other relatives who did want you, but were unable to foster you (say, an aunt who was too young, or an uncle who was in the service).

Answer 18

it depends on how you feel about them. you shouldn't ask complete strangers about a life-changing decision.

though, if i were you, i'd try to find them..

it totally depends on you, though. do you forgive them?

Answer 19

Is this really the kind of thing you should be asking in a forum like YA? I'm pretty sure this is one of those look-deep-into-your-heart things. Think really, really hard about your motives for wanting to see them again. Will it be worth it if they are cold, unresponsive, and they break your heart?

Answer 20

No offense, but it sounds like they werent good people then so i dont see why they would be good people now.  I would hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Answer 21

One thing I know is that knowing is better than not knowing.  It sounds like you don't really have much memory of them, so there's obviously a lot to know.  I was placed in foster care as a young child, but later was adopted.  I still wanted to know my first parents, though.  Outside of some very hazy memories that didn't make a lot of sense to me, I could not remember them.  So, I reunited 7 years ago.

If you know that there was abuse, you would want to make sure you had a support system about you of people who are aware of your meeting with your parents.  They may be very different people from what they were at that time.  This is particularly possible if the abuse was due to drug/alcohol problems and they've since gotten clean and sober.  But, of course I don't know if that's your family's situation or not.  

Your questioning says that you want to know, but you're uncertain about taking action.  I found that I could no longer live with not knowing.  I decided that knowing was better than not knowing, even if a reunion turned out unpleasant.  I also knew that if that happened, I had the option of not having to maintain contact.  Fortunately, it's turned out very positive in my situation, but knowing that I had the power to walk away if need be made it a little bit easier.  As children, we don't have the power to walk away from family if they aren't good to us.  As adults, we do.

Answer 22

its up to you but why do you want to fond them if they were abusive? I know that  we should all forgive and forget but with something like that i don't know if I could and  usually do not hold grudges. All in all it is your choice but I would ask you to ask yourself do you want to forgive them because it is nice or do you need to find them so you can move on i think you need to decide that before you go looking. Best of luck to you though

Answer 23

As there was a history of abuse I would be concerned for your safety.

This is a decision only you can make, however, if you do wish to try and find them I would go ahead, but once you have located them, I would perhaps start with a letter or email relationship before a face to face meeting so you can suss them out a little bit and protect yourself at the same time.

Good luck!!!

Answer 24

I would find their address then send them a letter to see if they want to meet if they dont they can tell you in a letter back to you or if they do they can tell you.

Answer 25

Why find them? What are you going to get out of it?  They are bad people and complete strangers to you, there is nothing good there for you. Forgive them in your heart and move one with your life.

I was adopted as an infant, and have no desire to find my biological parent. I am an adult now with a family of my own.

Answer 26

I adopted my children through foster care. One of my daughters was very bonded to her mother.  Reunification was tried for almost 3 years before DSS decided reunification was not possible (due to physical abuse during an unsupervised visit). Her sister had already been relinquished by her bio mother so  I decided to adopt both girls. They were 4 and 5 at the time. My daughter and I were not very close during her growing up years. She suffered a great loss and was depressed most of the time. She was in counseling for years and all she wanted was her bio mother. When she was 20 years old (and a mother herself) she set out to find her bio mother. She found her - in a woman's prison!  When she went to visit her bio mother, she threw her out and with a mouth full of foul words told her she never had any children (she has had 7 & my daughter was her first born).  My daughter was devastated, came to me, and cried in my arms.

We have become much closer now and finally she calls me "mom"  with love in her voice. She now understands why she was taken from her mother. So if you decide to search for your biological parents be prepared for what you may find.

ellie

Answer 27

i havent seen my mom in 6 years but my mom did drugs and smoked and meth... but i tried to find her but i could never accomplish anything but if i were you i would start out small call,mail,then maybe a personal visit thats my opinion... think before you do anything though

Answer 28

Well, you should stop and think about it, and if you what to go and try and find them

Answer 29

Only if you really want to... I mean, if my biological parents were abusive and I was a foster child, I don't think I would want to know or get to know who they are.

Answer 30

Your a foster child. You have the right to see them. HOWEVER, if they were abusive, it is probably best to have someone go with you, maybe even more than one person. Good Luck.

Answer 31

it depends. do u forgive them? do you want them back into your life. if you are, you still need to ne careful. even though you are an adult, you still have to be careful. and u have to prepare yourself. you cant expect for anything to have really changed.