Foster mommy question? Please read if you are a foster parent....I need advise!!!?

Question

Ok, well all of us foster parents know these children aren't "ours" but it sure feels they are!! My hubby and I got a 4 week old preemie straight from the hospital, he was very, very, tiny & frail. I spent lots of time and put extra energy into this little angel! He is now 10 months old and 23.8 LBS!!!!! He is so happy and healthly, his guardian AD- Lietum, and case worker can't get over how well he is doing and say he looks like a different baby since being in our home. His birth parents haven't completed 1 thing in their case plan & it has been looking like we are going to be able to adopt!! We were thrilled!! Until yesterday his paternal Aunt went in to be finger printed & background screened. If she is approved he will be moved to live with his Aunt. We are absolutely heartbroken !! Where has she been the last 10 months?? The laws are so unfair, the baby calls us mama & dada & is very attached to me as I am to him. How do you deal with saying good bye?

Answer 1

Im so sorry to hear this I dont know anything about this but I just want to tell you that you are a kind lovely human being

you gave the lif to this baby by doing all the thing you did to keep him alive .

this aunt is so selfish where was she when the baby was born??

Answer 2

The laws are difficult to swallow considering that you took him into your home when no other family member would.  I might suggest that you work with the GAL and the caseworker to meet the aunt, get to have some time with her to explain the difficulties you have had with the little guy and what his triumphs have been.  This will give you a chance to get to know her, give her a chance to learn what he is like and what he is dealing with, and possibly help the transition.

I think it would be best to work with the caseworker to have supervised visitations with the aunt, then unsupervised and work through this unificaton process to ensure that she will be a good parent to the little boy.

Do not get your hopes up.  There are things you can do because the state has to look out for the best interest of the child.  You can also work with the GAL to see if he/she recommends this placement or if he feels it would be in the guy's best interest to stay with you.  All hope is not lost.  

Being a foster parents means we open our hearts and our homes to kids in need while knowing they might one day leave, but it never makes the possibility of saying goodbye any easier.  Bless you for doing all that you do!

Answer 3

I'm sorry for your family, but when you got in to Foster care I'm sure they explain this to you. You are there to help these children in til they are able to be adopted or the family's come forward and do what they have to.

  I'm not a foster mom but have a friend that is. She was paid quite well for her services. If the aunt was getting that same pay she could have got everything in order faster. Also courts take so long to get anything done and the parents most likely slowed thing up.

God Bless you for what you do but it's just temporary.  Instead of being made at the aunt if you try ed to help her make this smooth then you might  get to see this baby every once in awhile but at least you will know how he is.

Answer 4

My mother and step-father went through the exact same thing 5 years ago. We got  a tiny little baby straight out of the hospital and they were going to adopt and then she was taken away by her aunt.

It will be hard to say good-bye. You may want to fight this in court. Hire a lawyer and fight for this baby! My mom and step-dad didn't because they knew she belonged with her aunt, but now they regret it. Say that he knows you best and that his aunt should have shown up long ago if she wanted to help! Let them see how he acts around you.

Now, if you don't win(which I hope you do win but as you said, lawas are unfair.), here is the very best way to say good-bye. Give him a special stuffed animal. Write to him over the years and hopefuly one day you can become reunited. Talk with the aunt about if you can see him. Hopefuly she will lt you see him, if not tell her to let him keep the bear and tell him about you two over the next years of his life. He will keep the bear since it is the only thing he has of you two. Also give him a picture.

Now, it will be hard. Wait a couple of months or however long it takes for the pain to heal and look into trying to get another baby by foster care or even adoption! Since you did so great with your last baby, you will get very good refrences.

Good luck and god bless. I hope you can keep the baby.

~Gabbie

Answer 5

I am a Foster Parent too. . .it can be heartbreaking.

Try to get a meeting with the Aunt, if you feel good about where he is going, it will certainly help.  INSIST on a transition not just a move.  They are notoriously poor at doing transitions.  Long term, it is probably best that a child be placed with relatives.  Otherwise he will wonder why. . .why was I left, why didn't my family want me, being placed with a relative will alleviate some of his feelings.  All that being said, if the relative is not a good placement for him, if you have serious doubts after meeting her, then get a lawyer and fight!

When my placements have left, it is much easier if I am comfortable with where they are going.  Also best, if you can maintain some contact, after a few weeks so the child has a chance to adjust while at the same time knowing people don't just disappear.  Will you remain if contact forever?  Probably not, but initially it can help the child be well adjusted.

For some more advice and support I recommend this site

http://forums.adoption.com/foster-care-a...

(adoption.com) great site for a viewpoint from all aspects of adoption.

Answer 6

That is the very worst thing about foster parenting, isn't it? Laws favor blood relatives and only very vaguely take into consideration the plight of the foster family and child. There is nothing that is going to make this easy, but I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone in your heartache!

I hope there's a possibility for future contact. If you have the opportunity to discuss this with the aunt, that could be really beneficial for everyone involved. And if she really loves that baby, I don't see how she could refuse.

I wish you all the best luck in the world with this!

Answer 7

Like others have said, the law seems to favor biological family members over foster families.That's the reason I don't think I could be a foster parent. I really admire people who are able to, though. Do you know if there are any other foster parents in your area you can meet with and discuss these difficult situations with, someone who's been through similar experiences?

Good luck.  My heart goes out to you.

Answer 8

I'm a former foster child, adopted by my foster family at age 3, and now a Court Appointed Special Advocate (basically the same role as a GAL).  

I am neither pro- or anti-adoption.  In some circumstances, adoption is a better option, sometimes the only one.  Helping families keep and care for their children is a wonderful goal.  Sadly, though, children are not "always" better with their biological parents, based on circumstances.  

Depending on the laws in your state, it's quite likely that the birth parents are out of time to do what the court required of them to keep this child.  Which may be the reason the aunt is now expressing her interest.  The biological family may have been waiting to see if the parents would step up.  

I empathize with your pain. Truly I do!  What is harder for me to consider is the pain this child will experience being separated from the only bond he has known, his bond with you and your husband.  People tend to minimize the impact on a baby/child of being separated from the only "parents" the child has known.

If you adopt this child, would you be willing to have some contact with the birth family?  Have you considered open adoption?  Are you willing to send photos, letters, and let the biological family know how the child is doing as he grows? Open adoption can be as open or as limited as all parties are willing to agree to.  

The biological family may be open to the adoption if they know they won't completely lose contact with this child.

Sending my best wishes to you and especially to this little boy!

Answer 9

Wow!!  Let me just say how sorry I am for your potential loss.  Nothing is written in stone  maybe she wont pass the background process.  I can only say one thing  as a foster parent you put your effort and your love into a the air.  Children who don't belong to you.  But one thing that gives comfort is that they are Gods children and you will be compensated.  I think this is what the bible means as building treasures in heaven not on earth.  The love and care you give this soul will be with him for ever.  Even if life takes him somewhere else your love will follow him forever.  Think of the good you have done.  Ask yourself , What if I hadn't been here for him, where would he be?  You never fail when you give love.. A selfish love is close to a Godly love.  Take your memories and heal your heart but think of the greater good.

Answer 10

I understand how bonded you are with him...we brought our foster son home from the hospital as well. The hardest thing for me was letting my self bond with him for this very reason. What if his birth mother comes back... You have given him the best part of you and there is nothing he needed more especially since he was a preemie. Although this may be one of the hardest things you ever have to go through it should give you some peace knowing that you gave this little boy your whole heart.

Answer 11

If the child has lived with you for more than 3 months (I think) then you can actually petition the courts to be an interested party.  We did that with our then foster.  Then you can give testimony and tell why  you think you should be allowed to keep him.  Our son's grandparents wanted a great uncle to take him and we petitioned to be an intervener and guess what we adopted him in March.  I would be happy to talk with you.

Wow I have gotten a lot of thumbs down.............guess I am not suppose to share facts about one particular situation.  Guarantee anyone that gave me a thumbs down has not been in the same position.

Answer 12

You poor things, this is terrible.  I can only imagine how you must feel. . Its not fair that the aunt can come in 10months later and take over.  There should be a way where you can fight this decision.  I would get some legal advice if I were you.  Its not fair on the child either. .

In saying this, that is the 'risk' you take when you foster children.  I dont know if I could put my heart at risk like that.  Good on you though!

Answer 13

That's so sad and very unfair. I agree with you "Where has the aunt been the last 10 months?"!!!!! and it's an excellent question for your attorney, et.al. to ask her.  I admire your courage so much. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for your baby to stay with you. Wishing you and baby the very best.

Answer 14

Unfortunately that is the nature of foster parenting.  It is always in the best interest of the child to be placed with biological family if that is possible.  I am sorry that you feel like she shouldn't be his parent, but you did know that this was a possibility when you signed up for fostering.

Hopefully she will let you be part of his life if she does adopt him, just as I am sure you will allow her to be part of his life if you adopt him (right?).  Good luck to you.  I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

Answer 15

I feel so bad for you. I can only imagine what you feel. I would seek legal advice. Man...That would be tooooo much for me to go through. Good luck!

Edit-As for the goodbye....I couldn't tell you because obviously you see this child as yours because you've been there since he was a small baby...............That would be like someone marching in and taking my 13 month old...I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. My prayer are with you.