Foster or Adoption? How do you know what will work best for your family?

Question

We've been married for 10 years and have 2 kids, ages 9 and 6. We have talked about fostering or adopting kids but we don't know which one would be the best "fit" for our family.

I was in and out of foster care in my early childhood and had seriously "whacked" parents. If it wasn't for foster families and generousity of others to care for me, I know I wouldn't have lived to see my 16th birthday. So I feel "obligated" (not exactly how I feel but I can't think of the right word) to give back. So many people helped me so I feel I should continue to do what was done for me. My husband just loves kids. We had considered having more 'natural' children but I have developed some helath problems that make pregnancy no longer an option.

My husband is native-american and we live in his tribes jurisdiction so we qualify for adopting children under the indian welfare act.

But we don't know what would be best considering we already have two young kids.

Any advise?

Answer 1

Honesty - as there are so many children caught up in Foster care - I feel that these are the children that most need caring people such as yourselves to give them love and attention.

You also 'lived' the experience yourself - you will have an amazing insight into the children's feelings etc.

There is no mistake - it will be a lot to take on - especially with two young kids - and perhaps it's something that you should wait to do for now. Is there programs which you can assist with short term - weekend type programs in the meantime???

I also wish to do foster care - as I see that there is such a lack of foster carers in our country also. (I'm in AUS)

Currently I have 3 young children myself - and I see that now would not be the right time for our family - but there will be a time when it will be right - and I fully intend to take it on.

I'd get in touch with your local government agencies and start checking it all out.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 2

Knowledge is power.  Contact agencies in your area who have informational meetings, check them out on-line, talk with families who have fostered and/or adopted.

We have been a foster/adopt family for 8 years.  We began when our older biological son was just 9 months old and our younger son was born into it.  We have adopted three children from foster care and cared for about 30 others.

Our family situation is unique to us; your is unique to you.  Since your children are old enough to understand, I think you should include them in the decision making process.  They will have to share their parents and their home - sometimes with children that aren't very nice.

It's sometimes extremely challenging, but always very rewarding.

Answer 3

You really have to research both options and then go with your gut. It's so nice to hear from somebody in here who wants to give back. I'm half Cherokee and tried to adopt a Native-American child but sadly my father never enrolled so I couldn't. If you can go through your husband's jurisdiction, I would probably try that first.

I adopted my beloved daughter, who was an orphan from Russia, looks just like a Cherokee/me.

Best of wishes to you.

Answer 4

Do not, under any circumstances, mix your natural born children with foster children. My parents had two children, (my sister and I), adopted 3 and fostered more than 25 over a ten year period. It was hellish on my sister and me.  It is nice that you want to help others. Wait 12 years until your youngest is an adult, then foster to your heart's content.  You have to think of what it will do to your own natural children. They very likely will be left with the feeling that they weren't enough for you and that you will love the others better because "they needed more love."  

However, if you want your natural children to resent you, go for it.

Answer 5

Unfortunately for me, I had natural family, so I know nothing about the foster and adoption programs, anywhere.  Since I've grown up, I really wish once my step-grandfather had died (I was 12) I'd have been moved into adoption.  I think it would have been better for me.  Actually it may have been better if I'd been given up for adoption at the beginning, but that would not have served my mother's purposes of trying to manipulate my father into providing her a life.  By the time she figured out the child-bearing strategy was a messy means of achieving her goals, she took off and left (I was 2).

So.  I don't know how these things work.  Maybe it allows me to ask questions a person through the system hasn't thought about yet?  Let's see...

If you guys wanted to have more natural kids, it sounds like adoption is a good fit.  You didn't say how many more kids, but since you used a plural, I'll assume at least 2...

Can you adopt one, forever, and then maybe have a space or two in your home to allow foster kids?  Then, as time moves along, you may decide to adopt another.  I know around here, in NC, I've heard of foster famiies becoming adoptive families.  I also seem to recall some foster family adopting a foster kid they had, somewhere in America, and it being a real bear as far as the legal proceedings and paper work, but they did it.  It also really seems like I've heard of families made up of natural, adopted, and foster kids... but I could be making it up.

It sounds like you guys should definitely adopt at least one, given your original feelings.  And it sounds like you may have space in your heart and home for more, if the bureaucracy allows it.

Definitely look into all the bureaucracy involved, if you can do both, because ... well, because I think paperwork tends to be flawed and can ruin the best of intentions, for everyone involved.

Answer 6

Glad you had a good experience with foster families.

However, I know it's hard on families who get foster children - because a child comes into their life, then at some point leaves, then another can come, etc. It's hard not only on the parents, but the kids you already have.

I think since you have two children of those ages they are - first truly think about whether you truly want more - and ask yourselves why - honestly. I think adopting is the best in your situation, but your children might be really put out by the fact that you are doing it. Is it because of the number of children you want more? Are you not happy with your family situation?

We found out after we had one child that that was it for us - it was a miracle we got him at all! We had 'hoped' for at least four, if not six! But we talked it all out over a long period of time, and decided that this was what our family was meant to be.

We both love children, but have contributed to the community in many different ways with children - through our son's schools, through our church, through community organizations -- so we still continue to help out children.

There are lots of ways you can still help out children - maybe by volunteering helping foster children get settled, or something... just an idea.

I just worry about you putting stress on the current family you have now...

Good luck deciding... xoxoxo