Foster parents or people who work with foster children, were any of you abused as a child?

Question

I will always have counseling and therapy, but flashbacks still kind of freaks me out. Does parenting or working with abused children trigger flashbacks for you? Or do you find it healing?

I find parenting my children so healing. Simple things like laughing and playing with the girls brings so much joy into my life. I find it actually heals my heart:)

Before i actually work with Foster Children, would like to know how it might affect me.

Thank you.

Answer 1

No the system does not suck.  It is very unfortunate for those very few that are abused in the foster care system but look how many lives have been saved due to the system.  I was abused as a child and put into the foster care system as a teenager.  Since then I had always wanted to be able to give back and be a foster parent.  When I first met my husband and his family I learned that his mother had been a foster parent for 25 years and he was the only bio child they had the rest of his siblings were adopted through the foster care system.  About a year later we became forster parents our-self.  Many people say that if you were abused as a child chances are that your partner will be abusive and you will be an abuser.  The cycle can be broken!!! I am one who has broken the family cycle and I find it very rewarding to not only be a foster parent but to be able to be on the same page and truly understand how these children are feeling and what they may be going through.  All the training in the world can not put you in the place of truly understanding and coping than if you have lived it yourself.  And if one more person can break the cycle and help a child to break the cycle of abuse then we have accomplished a huge hurdle.

Answer 2

Yes, I was abused.  I've worked with hurt kids for a few years "professionally", and quite a bit of time before that non-professionally (i.e. without training, and I wasn't working with them specifically because they were hurt).

When I worked in RTC, my own issues were triggered a lot.  I found it really easy to not allow the kids to see that (for the most part).  I was able to keep it together really well with the kids - but then I made sure to take some time alone to process my reaction.  

I've been in counseling off and on as an adult, and I really found it necessary to go back to counseling while I worked there so that I could process through all the things that were coming up.  I also found it necessary to get counseling when I had to leave that job, because that phase of my life REALLY triggered a lot for me.

For myself, I feel that it is healing to have my issues triggered.  It certainly sucks in the moment, especially if it's happening a lot (because I need to be fully present with the kids to help them with what they're going through, and I can't be fully "there" when part of me is back in my five year old self).  But whenever something comes to the surface, I don't ignore it (like I was taught to do) - I work through it.

I'm sure that parenting will be a whole new exercise in having my issues triggered and learning to take care of myself and my kids at the same time.  And no matter how long I'm in counseling, or how much "stuff" I work through, there will always be more.  The trick seems to be staying present, and child-focused, when my inner child is screaming for attention!  I'm glad I got some practice with that.  :-)

DISCLAIMER:  I am NOT adopting for my own gain or benefit, or so that my kids can "help" me work through my own issues.  This is a side effect of putting myself in a situation where childhood "stuff" is coming out in others - not the reason I'm adopting.  Just wanted to make that clear.

Freckles, you're absolutely right, and you completely rock!  I just wanted to throw in that disclaimer because it has been pointed out that some adopters (one particular celebrity comes to mind) have stated things like, "my kids heal me"...and it feels as though they're saying, "Hey, I paid good money for this therapy!"  I can see how it comes across, so I wanted to make it clear that that's not why we're adopting.  I didn't even realize that working with (and loving) kids was healing until after all our decisions were made.

Answer 3

Yes, being abused as a child has affected me during parenting. I find myself very worried that my kids may become victims and am super overly cautious about it. I do not hire baby sitters and only allow my sister and their grandmother to care for them when I can't.  Needless to say, my husband and I rarely get a night out.

Also, my empathy for the pain they feel over the abuse that took place in their family of origin, can sometimes feel overwhelming. I wish I could go back in time and stop them from being hit or beaten. But I can't. Just like no one could do this for me. My past experiences do, however, help me to understand their behaviours and feelings related to their pasts.

Answer 4

my nieces were sexually molested in foster and my nephew just died in foster!! the system sucks1