Foster vs. adopting?

Question

if PAP's are REALLY in it for the best interests of the child....

why not foster as eagerly? why is "ownership" of said person so important????

Answer 1

I believe there is a lot of coercion in the foster care system also.  Personally, I have no respect for the Division of Youth and Family Services in NJ after what they tried to do to our son's birth family.  They tried to stop a private adoption because as the social worker told me, he was a "hot commodity" because he was a "Caucasian infant".  

For me, if we choose to adopt again, I can honestly say that it would be hard for me to trust the foster care system after that.  I know that not all of the situations are the same, but I would hate to become a parent who helps the system "steal" a child away from the bio family.

Answer 2

The main difference between fostering and adopting is that with adopting you know the child will be yours after the court process.

With fostering there is the risk of the child being given back to it's birth parents or some other family member.

Having that insecurity all the time would be very nerve wracking.

Answer 3

I don't know the stats RE:your concern that adoptees worry they'll be 'sent back'. My guess is that most adoptees don't grow up worrying about it.  I don't doubt that it happens in some very sad & disturbing situations.

I'm less concerned with the desires of PAP's & more concerned with the very normal, natural need children have to feel & be & grow up as a part of a permanent family.  

There are approximately 130,000 kids in foster care hoping to find a 'forever family', even into their teens.  THEIR wishes MATTER.  They want families, not foster homes.  It's not "ownership", it's a sense of belonging & acceptance, of being embraced, of feeling wanted & loved.  Read THEIR stories, in their own words.  You might get a different perspective.

I sincerely empathize with the loss many PAP's face because of infertility. An adopted child will not replace the child they cannot have. Nor will it completely mend that "loss".  This is one of the many lingering myths about adoption.

There are some PAP who have always wanted to adopt, regardless of whether they can have biological kids or not. Some adoptees want to adopt. Growing up, I wanted to adopt an older so called "unadoptable" child from foster care (like me). I ended up a divorced mom of 2 & wasn't in a position to provide the home I had wanted to provide.  

I'm also less concerned about the 'HUGE potential for loss' that foster parents might experience, & am much more concerned about the HUGE LOSSES (not potential, but ACTUAL) that children in foster care experience.  They've already lost regular contact with their parents & other family members, in some cases, permanently-through no fault of their own. Often they're moved from one place to another. In many circumstances, this is because of the coping behaviors (called acting out) they've developed caused by the trauma in their young lives.  

There are many wonderful foster parents out there doing the best they can to help these kids with the limited resources provided. Most know going in that they need to have an open heart & a strong spirit. With the right attitude, we get more than we give in any situation. There are some great, caring, hard working social workers, too. But the system at it's best is not the ideal way for children to be raised.  

If being part of a family didn't matter, we could open up the orphanages of the past & raise children there or in group homes.  

I didn't have an "ideal" adoption experience. My adoptive mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption to appease my dad, not because she really wanted another child in the house.  They had 3 kids already.  Yet I still believe that adoption is sometimes a better option for children.  

Bottom line is it that whatever the plan, it should be about what is best for the child.  Not the adults...

Thanks for asking the question!

Answer 4

I was given  back 3 times. And the last time I was supposed to be adopted I sabotaged it, saved everyone the trouble....

Fostering means you get a kid with issues.

Who wants that right?

Answer 5

Well...  if we want to ask that question, do you think that biological parents "own" their children?  I don't!  

However, to build a successful family, everyone involved should be secure.  Having the threat of having the child taken away at a whim is simply too great for some people (me included) to be able to whole heartedly give ourselves to a foster child.  I HAVE had a step-child that I wanted to adopt and then needed to send back to her grandparents (when her father went off a psychological deep end) so she could get the medical care she needed.  It is a pain so bone deep that I know my heart won't be able to open so easily again...  it's got scar tissue now.  

Also, I think it's wrong to say that an adopted child lives with the knowledge that they could be "given back" any day.  I grew up with two adopted brothers, and while one of them had idyllic fantasies of his parents (that he actually based off his elderly foster parents who were unable to adopt him - not his biological parents) neither of them believed for a second they would ever be "sent back".  I have several other adopted friends, and not a one of them has ever mentioned any fear like THAT - even when we've had deep conversations about the insecurities in our families.  Most of them seemed to have fairly normal relationships with their parents - not all good, not all bad, just....  typical.  On top of that, I've seen foster and adoptive parents fight tooth and nail to keep kids they've grown to love and who WANT to stay with them - sometimes against reasons as stupid as another foster placement being closer to the home they were originally taken from (even when parent visitation wasn't a factor) when they've been living in the same foster home for FOUR YEARS!  There is beurocracy in the foster system, and while it would be impossible to run a system so big without things like that, it does make for some rather difficult problems.  

Also, as discussed before, Foster parents do not have full legal claim to their foster children the way adoptive parents too.  Someone posted earlier about foster children being over medicated.  I believe a large contributing factor in this is that foster parents are almost powerless to resist a doctor prescribing whatever medication he/she wants just because the child is on medicaid (which all foster children are).  

However, the honest truth is that some people know they cannot truly open their hearts fully to "just" a foster child because one day the child will leave, and it's possible they'd not even have any legal recourse for visitation afterwards.  My parents kept up visitation with my brother's foster family for years and years and years because they felt it was wrong to completely break ties with the first family he ever knew when we were easily withing visiting range - but that won't always be the case.  If they know they can't love a foster child as fully as a child they know won't be randomly taken from them, then by fostering a child in their home they'd be creating a sort of "second class kid" - and most people just aren't comfortable with that idea...  I know I'm not.  

Because fostering comes with such a HUGE potential for loss, and frequent losses at that, it takes an incredibly strong person to do it right.  Adopting, while still difficult, is a cakewalk compared to fostering.  Some people just aren't strong enough to foster, but I see no reason why they shouldn't open their arms and give a lonely child a "forever family".

Answer 6

I think foster care is really important. Especially if you are willing to really comfort the child while in route to a new home.  Foster parents will not be forgotten in that child's life. They are just as important as the new parents cause that is the hardest part of this change in their life.

Answer 7

When fostering the parent of the child is the state.  This is not about "ownership" and I don't know why you continually make references to it as such.  It is about finding permanence for a child in foster care.  The children we are adopting have lost both their parents and want a forever family.  

On our sides as well, fostering (which we DID do) was a rewarding experience, but our ROLE was as surrogate parents while trying to reunite a family, that is the GOAL of fostering.  Adopting is about proving a family and security to children whose parents have ALREADY had their rights taken away.  (foster adopting anyway, which is to what you are referring)

Also, foster care is NOT jsut for potential adoption, but saying this so freely why doesn't everyone not adopting also foster.  Foster care and adopting are two different things with two different roles.

Your postion on ownwership says more about your issues than the reality of those of us who have chosen to adopted children from foster care.  Your judgement is increasinly offensive and I believe your polarizing opinions do nothing to add to the debate.   There are  many who share some of your beliefs but are open to hearing other points of view without directing anger at an entire group (such as Adoptive parents)