Four year old with behaviour problems; won't sleep alone; spoonfed; acts like baby-advice? Please,please help

Question

My four year old is causing me real worry because of her behaviour. Her father and I separated almost a year ago and she sees him often and spends weekends with him but not regularly.

Her behaviour has never been the best but it is getting worse.

1. She will not eat by herself. She will only eat if she is being spoon fed. We have tried to let her get hungry but she refuses to feed herself even if she has not had a proper meal all day. I can not let her starve.

2. She acts like a baby sometimes. She herself said that 'mummy and daddy like babies not big girls' We have both tried to reward 'big girl behaviour' but she still often does baby talk, crawls on the floor, makes baby noises, says she wants a nappy, dummy, bib etc (we don't give her that).

3. She will not sleep by herself. She says she is scared. Tonight is a typical night, she had her dinner finished by 8pm. Due to space constrainst the sleep setup is like this. Two bedrooms & 2 double beds, me my mum, my sister, the little one. My mum is a nurse and works nights so I normally sleep alone and the little one sleeps in the other room with my sister. She wants someone to lie by her till she falls asleep. It has been 3 hours now and we are held hostage. She will scream and kick and bite if you leave her alone. Even tried the supernanny thing but gave up after an hour and a half of taking her back to bed and being bitten.

4.She touches her nipples esp in public. I know where this one came from. She was breastfed and used to touch my b*****s in public even after she was weaned. I said 'touch your own boobies'. and now she does, constantly, in public, all her tops are stretched from her getting her hand in there.

5. She sucks her bottom lip ALL THE TIME. I am worried she will stretch it out.

Parenting her is very stressful. I need a solution. I have no time to myself. Feed her 1 hour put her to bed 3 hours - from 7 to 11 all my time is devoted to her till I ventually drop down exhausted next to her.

I can not afford a behavioural specialist and I can not affort to take time off work. The job is keeping a roof over our heads and I cant afford to be fired for taking too much time off.

PLEASE HELP.

Please.

Answer 1

Poor you, it sounds very exhausting and upsetting. I think it sounds like she is controlling you and you need to show her that you are in charge. I know it is not as easy as it sounds and I'm sorry I cant give you any practical advice. Can you not see your health visitor, they will be able to give you advice and find help if you need it. Good luck I'm sure it will work out in the end.

Answer 2

Its not surprising, because children regress in their behaviour when they are ill or stressed. You were together  with her dad when she was a baby, so maybe she thinks that if she acts like one again, you will both get back together, and everything will go back to normal.  You need to remind her that although you do not live together, both still love her and will continue to love and care for her.  Never underestimate the detrimental effects of stress and hostility on children.  You didnt say if the break up was/is amicable  but its important not to show hostility or draw her into any arguments. Maybe you could make sure she knows exactly when she will see her dad and make sure it is a regular thing? And she knows where everyone will live. Young children are open and intense in their reaction, but thier behaviour tends to settle when parents' behaviour settles.

She wont starve herself, I know how frustrating it is, but try to make mealtimes calm. Grazing is actually quite a healthy way to eat, just make sure that the snacks are healthy ones.  Have you considered going back to finger foods for meals? When she touches her nipples gently divert her  attention to something else( try doing the same when she sucks her lip)  Sleep often becomes a problem when parents split, because the child wants to check and be reassured that your still there.

Remember to look after yourself, too.  Im willing to bet that its been a difficult year for both of you.  Accept help when offered, try to get out as much as possible (with your daughter) and sometimes without.  Dont sweat the little things that you can turn a blind eye to, try to take a practical view, and remember that, given time, she will probably grow out of most of these.  Good luckx  

Answer 3

No kid will ever starve themselves to death, she is just after attention with all this behaviour, just put food in front of her and then ignore her, if she won't eat it don't spoon feed her, also let her roll around the floor acting like a baby she will soon get fed up when you are not running around babying her all the time.

Kids are not idiots she knows exactly what she is doing, you must put a stop to it by just letting her get on with it, she will soon get fed up.

You are the boss here, start acting like it.

Answer 4

Kids eh! Put her meal in front of her with her fork and sit opposite while you eat yours.  Don't give in - she will eat if she's hungry! She is trying to rule the roost and you have to nip it in the bud now before it goes too far! As for her behaviour -just ignore it - my son used to throw massive tantrums whenever we went shopping - he used to bang his head off the floor causing bruises - and when i spoke to the health visitor she told me he was attention seeking - and the best thing i could do was walk past as if i hadn't noticed and carry on with what i am doing - and sure enough it worked! It is hard but persivere and you will get there! As for the bed time nightmare - get her into a routine - bath, pjs etc, then put her in her bed say goodnight and leave her to it!   Its hard work - ive been there - it took about about 5 nights for my son to get used to it but stay strong, if she gets out of bed, dont speak to her, just put her back in and walk away!  Good luck and stay strong

Answer 5

i think the best bet is to get her interacting with kids her own age and she will see how they act

do big girl things with her like play dress up

dance to music u like

get her to help u with stuff like making the bed

my mom did that stuff with me when i was 4

Answer 6

I think it's all for attention.  I agree w/ those who say why not give her the bedtime cuddling she needs?  My own daughters were rocked to sleep for about 2 years each and I had to lie down w/ the oldest for a while after we stopped the rocking.  It didn't last forever.  Your daughter is still so young...if she needs her mommy to help comfort her, what's the harm?  Is there any way to rearrange the sleeping situation?  Perhaps swap out for twin beds and put you and your daughter in 1 room and sis and mom in the other?  You might be able to ease her into a new bedtime routine that way.

As for the spoon-fed and baby business, I would ignore that and see if it goes away.  Forget about the sucking on the lips and try to redirect her when she goes under her shirt.  You could reward her for big girl behavior...take her somewhere special or let her stay up later or something when she starts acting like a big 4-year-old instead of a baby.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Well, you said yourself that you "gave up after an hour".  Kids love when the parents give up.  If you stop giving in an giving up, she will start behaving.  Put her food in front of her for the duration of the meal, if she eats it fine, if she doesn't, take it away and tell her to go.  She will not starve.  Everything she does she is doing for attention, and you are giving it to her.  Of course you are exhausted.  Stop giving in to her and she behave as soon as she finds out you aren't "playing" with her anymore.

Answer 8

The only real suggestion I have is about the bedtime thing. My son was the same, at about 4 years old. In the end I snapped and left him to holler. He got up and came down and I took him straight back and told him if he got up again it would be the worst for him. He bawled and screamed. I turned up the TV. After about 20 minutes I looked in. He saw me and bawled all the louder. I said scream all you like, you are staying in bed. Eventually he fell asleep. I lay awake all night thinking he would hate me in the morning. He woke up bright as a button. The next night I led him upstairs by the hand and said stay in bed and lay quiet or we will have a terrible night like last night. He whimpered a few times and fell asleep. From that night on I never had another bedtime problem. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. He's 22 now and still loves me. Try it.

Regarding the other things, I think a visit to your local doctor might be in order. She may have been traumatised by your split with her father. And talk to other mums. Do you have a mother and baby group you can visit? Good luck.

Answer 9

OK i can relate to you on some terms as i broke up from my first partner my eldest sons dad. as well as yourself i had problems with my son going back into baby stage. its a way a child expresses themselves when something so dramatic and life changing happens.

now here's the catch 22- if you let the father in the child is going to be happy during access then goes absolutely potty for dad and wants you to back together but it wont work

but if you don't the father daughter bond wont be there and she will miss having a father figure in her life

to be honest you need to keep these up for a good long time for them to stick, but effect can be anything from 1 onwards but don't give up as it will get worse before better as she tries to fight you changing habits and make you give up

if you want to change her you must stay strong and force her to change, no questions asked this girl needs discipline and to be shown who is boss, so stick to your guns and keep going i know you can do it, some of these problems take time but some may change in the least after a day,

i done this as my eldest was out of control, but just this morning i got a big compliment on how polite and well behaved he is, it is very rewarding to be strong and to discipline your child right

i must say since you have accepted the dad in your case, establish regular access immediately, be firm with him, the dad that is

for the eating problem put the food in a small bowl it makes it look less than whats on the plate encourage her to eat with large spoon so it looks even less, eventually she will eat, word of warning don't feed her different things from yourself because she wont eat what your eating this will cause her to be picky and use this behaviour to get sweets and waste veg.

for the behaviour thing just ignore it she will soon snap out of it if she recognises she only gets attention and all the love when she is being a big girl and not a baby

the bed thing OK your hate me for this but do it and you will adore me later, put her into bed at the same time every night on the dot, try tea story bath then story and bed, i do and it worked for me, buy a little night light as well this will help, don't shut the door, when she gets out of bed just tell her no its bedtime put her back at the third and so on just put her back do not say a word

i would in this instance say no it is rude to touch their, and tap very lightly on her hand when she repeats and repeat no that is naughty i told it is rude to touch their.

the lip thing don't worry she will soon snap out of it, its like sucking thumbs

oh a good trick for the biting thing, if she bites in certain places, put her hated foods on there for example if she hates salt or vinegar or mar-mite and bites the arm rub the whole arm or in normal place of bites in the food she hates it sure works

Answer 10

I know it sounds pretty thoughtless but just stop. If he will only eat if spoon fed just stop spoon feeding him from a spoon, just put the food in front of him. It will be really hard for a few days (at worst) but soon he will get hungry and feed himself. Same came be used for all the other problems.

My son after holiday wouldn't sleep unless I was in the room. We juts had to leave him and let him cry. It was really hard and I cried right along with him but after a few days (4 -ish) he stopped.

I kind of had the same problem with food, my son at 7 months wouldn't eat unless he fed himself so it would take 1hr plus for each meal. He got over it. I just kept trying..over and over and over and over and over and over

It's really hard but it works.

Answer 11

its the separation your baby has, being 4 is just slightly older than a toddler, she has evident  anxiety, this is causing her distress , and you, and she feels insecure worried in her little mind that YOU may leave as well. Children don't have 'logic'

and she needs reassurance . It is separation anxiety .

My 6 yr old has similar problems too, often cries at school for me, doesnt want to return after a term break etc, he  can work self up and be sick, feel hot and have a tummy ache,and I  have had words with Dr , teacher and headmistress says she has 'seen it all before when a parent leaves. same old story'.

Sucking her lip and touching her nipples is a clear sign she is distressed , as the association with happy times  if she was breastfed she doesnt think its rude or odd, I suppose, some children suck their thumb ...a soft toy could help her- to rub its ear etc .

just relax , and it will transfer to her, let her sleep with you, or on mattress beside your bed, this is what my son has reverted to for 10mths,  and am not going to stress just that at 11pm with him in tears saying he cant sleep in his own bedroom alone, he is 'scared someone will steal me in the night. he told me that when he was 4.

hugs and cuddles help . my ex has a lot to answer for as well, breaking a child's heart this way. in the uk the dr has a child nurse who can call round and chat ,make a plan, am not sure if you are in Uk as this service is free.

good luck, god bless you both, being a lone parent is bloody hard work  x

Answer 12

call nanny 911.you dont pay them. or buy their book. they amaze me. good luck