Free Association, Right???

Question

There are a small few, a very small few, who believe that natural parents need to give birth and disappear until their child decides to come and search for them. Lawyers and agencies have also fueled this thinking. We are supposed to move on, forget, and maybe in twenty odd years they will come looking for us.

Anyone else besides me disagree with this logic? In the United States, we have free association. If I ever lose contact with my relinquished daughter, both me and her big sister have just as much right to search for her as she has to search for us. Just because I tried to make a decision that was in her best interests does not mean I need to act like I don't exist anymore.

And I am speaking strictly of those of us who relinquished our children as infants, not those who have lost their children to CPS (tho they lie about abuse to adopt kids out rather often).

Answer 1

I agree with you completely.

Discrimination is rampant in adoption and it's amazing to see just how many people jump in with arguments in defense of discrimination.

Answer 2

As I understand it, some adoptees don't search because they are afraid that their natural family might not want contact; and some natural families don't search for the same reason.  It would be very unfortunate to be in a situation like this where you very much WANT contact, but everyone is afraid to make the first move.  I say natural families should have just as much right to search as adoptees, absolutely.  I'm pretty sure that adults can handle their own relationships, and make their own decisions about who they want in their lives.

Answer 3

I have an adopted son, almost 9 months old, and have tried to maintain contact with his first family, and the mother doesn't see him.

At first, both parents came,  the 1st dad has come more, and his mother (the grandmother) has come, however, his 1st mom hasn't seen him since November.  I invited her to the house Thansgiving weekend, and haven't heard from her since.  I did see her in a Walmart, and she avoided me like the plague.  I've tried to be her friend, although I do insist that she be drug free.  (She did a dose of meth 1 time, the day he was born).  The adoption is set up as private on paper, however, I live in the same house, same phone, same cell phone.  

I do have a myspace page where I've been told she looks up his picture pretty often.  There are also other relatives.  We are suppose to have a visit from his bio sister soon, with the grandmother, and maybe later, the brothers.

Answer 4

Well...I'm an adoptee.  Who considered adoption for my daughter when my a.mom tried to convince me that I couldn't be her mom.  Don't know that qualifies me to answer this question. But I'm throwing in my 2 cents.

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOUR LOGIC!  

The belief that n.parents should disappear is just as crazy as people telling adoptees not to search because 'your real mom didn't want you in the first place so why would you want to find her/disrupt her life anyway?"  It's a load!  

Statistics show that an overwhelming number of ADULT adoptees want to know/meet their n.parents. Or would at least like to have information about them.  

My first mom didn't look for me b/c she didn't want to disrupt my life.  I worried about disrupting her, too.  Thank goodness I didn't let that STOP me from finding her!!  Had she said she didn't want to meet me, or didn't want anyone in her family know, I of course would have respected her wishes. Instead, everyone in her family knew about me & were waiting for me to find them.  

Don't let ANYONE else tell you to do or not do what you know in your heart is right.

ETA: I just returned from a day helping my daughter plan her father's funeral (52). He was my first serious boyfriend, the first boy I dated, my first kiss, first love, first husband (& yes, my "first").  Although we divorced shortly after our daughter's second birthday, we have remained friends over the past 30 plus years, often spending time in one or the other's home at one holiday or another.  

This is the daughter born 6 weeks after my 17th birthday. The one feared I couldn't mother. In Feb., I sent her dad a heartfelt, short e-mail thanking him for standing by me when we found out we were going to be parents. That a boy of 19 would make a decision to be a man, a husband & a father is pretty amazing. He didn't run. Instead, he took my hand & said he'd stand by me no matter what my decision.  I didn't realize HOW amazing until I read "The Girls Who Went Away"...which prompted my e-mail to him. I don't know if I would have had any way to keep our daughter without his help those first couple of years.  He never mentioned receiving my email, nor did he respond. Very much like him. I was so grateful to discover that e-mail in his "saved" mail folder today. He did read it, after all.

A few times today it crossed my mind - "what if?"  Had I given her up, would she have found us in time to meet her dad?  

Fortunately for me, I met my first mom & dad long enough before they passed away to have an opportunity to get to know them.  

So p**s on those who try to tell everyone else what we should or should not due based on NO information AT ALL about the particular situation we're in. Heck, as adoptees or first parents or adoptive parents, NONE of us know much of the story until we (adoptees) meet our first parents.  Each situation is so uniquely different.

Answer 5

Ghost Rider,

I agree with you completely!  I can't even begin to imagine, the pain First Parents go thru.  Even though first parents do not have parental rights, they should still have the right to make contact.  Even if that contact is just to find out the health and well being of their child.  The "not knowing" is a fate i wouldn't wish on anyone.  First Families should always have the right to search for their children.  I totally believe in Free Association.

I was so upset yesterday, i didn't even make sense to myself.  So let me try again.  First Families should be cherished, honored and valued.  They are a huge part of who your child is.  I don't understand how you can claim to love your child completely when you try to cut off a huge part of who they are, their First Families.  

When you adopt a child you should know another family comes with them.  If you can not accept that then do NOT adopt.

Answer 6

Hi Ghost Writer,

First let me mention there are many AP's who do recognize the importance of & encourage the bond between first family members.  They realize it does not diminish their own roles in the adoptee's life.  They "get it" that there are real needs & an unlimited amount of love to go around.  They are secure in their relationships with their adopted children.

Having said that, I totally agree with you that adoptees and first families should all have the same equal rights to initiate reunions with the other.  After all, every other citizen in this country is free to associate with anyone else if the other agrees, assuming both are of legal age.  Nobody else needs parental permission, agency permission, nor government permission to do so after adulthood, and it's inappropriate to put restrictions on family members.

Now for my opinions as to the origins of those few out there who still subscribe to the you-must-stay-away-forever nonsense.  They are perpetuating the stigma of single parenthood, which was once considered a terrible sin.  They believe that natural mothers must go on being punished indefinately for that.  

They also believe it interferes with adoptive parent's entitlements.  Let me explain:  It wasn't that long ago that adoption agencies practiced a social experiment that marketed a newborn baby as a product for sale to adoptive parents.  (philosophically, some still do.)  It wasn't just the baby they were selling.  They were selling an "as if born to" baby to the adoptive parents.  They were selling a blank slate, they were selling the dream of a child that would be exactly like the biological child they could never have.  Children raised by biological parents do not have extra sets of parents, so that's one reason why some AP's or industry workers wish first parents would go away after the product (the baby) has been delivered.  It interferes with what some ultimate consumers (AP's) wanted & for which they were willing to pay good money.  They failed to realize there are some things you cannot buy.  Guaranteeing that families will never want to reunite is one of them.  Not surprisingly, some industry workers & laws continue to go to great lengths to try.

The experiment is now over.  The results are in.  Turns out that parents never have children & then forget about them.  As much as some may have wished it to be the case, that was another lie that was used by the adoption industry.  Many a scared, young, pregnant woman put their trust in social workers who assured them they would give birth & forget.  We know now that is simply not true.  Just because parents may sign relinquishment papers, that does not automatically stop them from caring about their child, stop them from loving their child, or stop them from thinking about their child on a daily basis.  All it does is transfer the legal responsibility of parental rights to another person(s).  Legal parental duties officially end when a child is 18.  After that point, they are a legal adult.  They are free to decide for themselves when/if they wish to look up their other relatives or if they wish to pursue relationships with other relatives who may contact them.

First mothers have suffered enough already.  Do not listen to those people who would tell you to permanently drop off the face of the Earth.  They are ignorant of real biological connections & real adoption pain.  Instead, try to help educate so they can understand the difference between the dream portrayal of adoption, and the reality of it.  The myth is natural mothers don't care about their children, and they go away and forget they ever had them.  The reality is that they love their children, they need to know they are alright, and the pain never stops until they are reconnected again.  Reunions bring peace & closure regardless of the extent of the subsequent relationships.  Regardless of who seeks out whom.  Yes, I believe in free association.  Thanks for asking this question.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 7

It isn't fair to take a child that had to adjust and confuse them.  My mother worked in a place that handled people with mental problems.  90% of them (yes, a staggering 90%) were adopted.  Once you break that bond, it can never be repaired.  If you think it is in the best interest when they are born, then there is no reason to change that later on.  A parent is not someone who donated sperm and egg, a parent is someone who loves, cares and raises the child.  In what you are saying, then sperm donors should go looking for the children that they helped procreate.  It isn't fair to the child, even if they are adults.

Answer 8

I say it's free association anytime. Good luck.