Free form poetry, opinions?

Question

The gardener plucks at his life’s work

Soon his bower is dull and gone

He fed his garden twice a day

New thoughts and feelings

Let the used fleet away

He picked a rose, and kept it trimmed

Looking into it’s blank face

He became lost in beauty

Looking at it’s divine thorns

He became found in pain

Ill filled dreams… sudden screams

Oh, impossible arousal

Wake me up from my garden bower

Let magic roam free for a final hour

I looked too long at a fragile space

I lost my haven to an unselfish place

What happened when the garden bloomed?

Newfound ego led the gardener back to sanity.

Answer 1

I don't like free-form 'cos it reminds me of Sylvia Plath and she was a REALLY depressing poet, with all that stuff about rings and moons. Maddening. Worth it for lines like "I simply cannot see where there is to get to" though. Unless that's one of mine.

Anyway....having said that you've got some good bits in here and the theme's a clever one.

Good bits:

"The gardener plucks at his life’s work" - good start

"He picked a rose, and kept it trimmed" - fair enough

"He became found in pain" - interesting, though awkward. For a second you could be surprised into laughter if you weren't careful, but I like it because this is where the thorns imagery should come in, for me.

Whats the poem saying and are you consistent? Keep that in mind.

I didn't like:

"Let the used fleet away" - huh?

"Looking into it’s blank face" - when did you last see a blank-faced rose?

"Ill-filled dreams… sudden screams" - rhyme all of a sudden? Internal rhyme at that? Ellipsis? Yuck! Where are my secateurs?

"Oh, impossible arousal" - Hmm. Horny in the garden all of a sudden? OK if you must, but I didn't think that's what you were saying. And "Oh!" is best used if you're a lakeland romantic poet of the 18th century, and I don't think you are.

"Wake me up from my garden bower

Let magic roam free for a final hour" - Shakespeare! Couplets! Midsummer Nights Dream recounted while drunk!

"Newfound ego led the gardener back to sanity". A nice sentiment which is badly expressed.

Spell check them and think about punctuation too please, since there's an apostrophe "s" in there someplace I didn't like. Stuffy old me.

I'd comment on the second one as well but I get tired quickly. Go do some more! You read other peoples too do you? Keep at it.

Answer 2

You write poem to but that was really good