Friend's Dream Wedding a MOH's Worst Nightmare?

Question

I am having a problem with one of my friends who is getting “married.” I put that in quotes because she is already married - it's complicated and long but entertaining if nothing else, so please keep reading. When my friend got pregnant at 17, she married her boyfriend at the courthouse, which was legal in our state. She’s always dreamed of her big “church wedding” though and still planned on having it, just later, because she feels like she missed out on getting presents and money from people (which when you point out that is what happens when you elope she has a fit).

Six years ago (two years into the marriage) she started planning her “wedding.” She asked me to be her MOH and I love her to death so delusion-ally thought I would try to help make up for her initial wedding (even though her husband is a jerk - but she won't leave for religious reasons). We started looking at wedding stuff, she bought her dress, I spent about $350 on a dress, shoes, accessories, etc. I also bought numerous wedding stuff for her (probably another $250) and another $300 on bridal shower prep when she canceled her “wedding” because she found out she was pregnant with her second child and didn’t want to have the wedding when she was pregnant. Fine, whatever, she was so upset I let the rest go.

4 years later – she’s planning her church wedding again, (we now have 3 babies and are 6 years into the marriage.) She changes her color scheme so I have to buy a new dress and accessories (even though the old one ended up sitting in my closet) – it’s more formal this time so this time around it costs me $475. I already got her all the wedding planning stuff so saved money on that. We get through the bridal shower ($700) and bachelorette party ($1,250). We’re about a month away from the wedding when…her husband moves out and in with another woman. Wedding called off. Am I ticked, a little, but again, she’s horribly upset and I just count to 10 and let it go.

Flash forward to present day – she is planning her third attempt at this wedding and I am just tired of it. He’s a jerk and she’s not going to leave him. It makes me sick to think that I have spent so much money on weddings that haven’t even happened for a woman who has been married 7 years and has 4 children. (And yes, no need to tell me I am an idiot for spending the money, I have beat myself up over it enough as it is - trust me) To top it all off she left me a message the other day to talk about what theme she wants for the bridal shower and what to put on the gift registry (so people can buy her more presents even though she didn’t return the last ones she got when she called off the other weddings). She also wants to talk about the new dress I have to get with her new color scheme. Seriously, enough is enough. How do I politely tell this girl that the last thing I am going to do is expend more effort on a wedding that I don’t think is going to happen and more money when I have wasted so much in the first place?

Answer 1

First of all, you are not an idiot for spending all that money - you were trying to be a good friend to a woman who doesn't seem to have much common sense about how the real world works.

This is what I would do - I would tell her that you have already been through this twice and spend a lot of money, time and effort on a wedding that has yet to happen. You can tell her you are more than happy to be her MOH, but if she wants you to get a new dress and have another bridal shower then she is going to have to foot the bill for all of this. You have already spent major amounts of money trying to make her happy, but you just cannot do it anymore.

From the way you are describing her though I wouldn't expect her to take this calmly. She is probably going to be pretty upset that you refuse to give in to her unreasonable demands - but she will realize that she has made a mistake once she sees that no one is willing to put up with her.

You have been a good friend and put up with a lot more than you probably should have. This girl needs to step back into reality. She has already been married for 7 years and has 4 children. I know people want their big day to be special, but it sounds like she is doing this for all the wrong reasons.

Either way, I wish you luck. You have been a good friend and in no way should you feel bad about this.  

Answer 2

Wow, THAT has to be the strangest one I've ever read about!  (and you were correct, ENTERTAINING at least!)  No matter HOW GOOD of a freind this is, you HAVE to draw the line.  If she starts talking about her "wedding" again, you can tell her that you would be happy to wear one of the dresses that you have ALREADY purchased, point out how much MONEY you have ALREADY put into her "weddings".  Tell her that she's HAD a shower and YOU will not be thowing her another.  (How tacky is it to keep having bridal showers and NOT get married?  Really, people WILL be offended!)  Be the best friend that you can be, but PLEASE, for your OW#N sanity, do NOT let this woman walk all over you again.

Answer 3

I hate to be harsh but she is already married. I would tell her 3 strikes your out. skip the wedding and just have a party if she wants one. I just had a civil ceremony and I have had t o live with that to. she needs to face the fact that her time has passed and do like all the mothers do and take over her children's weddings when the time comes

If I was invited to this one I would remind her I already bought her a gift for the last however many I bought them for

Answer 4

I'm not even going to go into the fact of how wrong it is to have a "wedding" after this many years, etc., because you're not the "bride" and you know it's stupid. So.... on to your question.

Do NOT throw her another bridal shower if she didn't even return the gifts from the first one. If she finds someone else to throw her one, then fine, attend it and buy her a little gift if you want. But no more bridal showers. Secondly, tell her that you will only be her MOH if you can wear one of the two dresses you already bought per the previous planning. Tell her you can't afford to spend another $400 on a third dress. Lastly, tell her how you feel without being too mean. Explain to her that you want to be there for her, but you have to admit you don't approve of her marriage with this guy anymore after what he did to her, and you think she needs to move on, regardless of her religious views. She needs to do what's best for the kids and herself.  

Answer 5

Well I would want to be nice too even though she seems to have no concern for how much money you are out. Let alone how much time you are out.

I think you just need to sit her down and tell her that you already have two dresses with accessories that I have gotten no use and you are not going to buy anything more. Tell her honestly that you are not going to spend a dime on any more showers or bachelorette parties since you have done this twice already. Not to mention that she is not a bachelorette. You also need to tell her what a HUGE etiquette faus paus she is making by registering for more gifts when she didn't return the ones she got when it was called off.

This is hard to do but telling her the truth doesn't mean you have to say it in a loud voice. I do not envy you but you have tried very hard to be a good friend but like you said enough is enough. Good luck!!

Answer 6

For me the best way to communicate is via writing.  I would write her a letter so you can get all your feelings out about the whole situation.  At this point I'd say she's being ridiculous. If they want to renew their vows then they can go to Vegas or have their own little vacation together, that might even help them work on their problems.  She needs to give up the dream wedding and focus on her marital problems.  You don't need to shell out anymore money on this.  Its sad that she wants a wedding and its too bad she didn't get one.  However it is too late now and she obviously has bigger problems.

"I love you and you are my friend but we need to talk about your wedding situation.  You are married already and have 4 children, I know you wish you had the big wedding but you didn't. You tried already several times and it didn't work out on top of which you have and are having marital problems.  Please set your priorities here, a wedding isn't going to fix these issues and I simply cannot help you financially.  Maybe the two of you can go on a nice little vacation to renew your vows and get some alone time to work on the marriage but I think your time has passed to have the big church wedding."

Answer 7

Wow, you are a much nicer friend than I am...I would have told her from the get-go that she should have thought about that dream wedding before getting knocked up at 17, and that sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that maybe life took you in a different direction than you originally planned, but that doesn't mean she can just go back and re-create it.  It's so sad, like one of those people who PhotoShops their picture into a background with the Eiffel Tower because they could never afford to really go to Paris or something...

Also- $1250 for a bachelorette party??  That's insane for anyone, but especially so for a woman who's already married 7 years with 4 kids- seems like her last night out as a single gal already occured sometime around Y2K...tell her to either keep the old color scheme and dress or find herself a new MOH for her fake wedding.

Answer 8

Simple, tell her exactly how much you have spent on her other two 'tries' and you don;t have anymore money so you wear either outfit or she gets someone else and finds someone else to host her showers, etc........sounds like the gal has more than a few screws loose...good luck.

Answer 9

WOW! Tell her you want to help her and understand that she really wants to have a great wedding BUT you can NOT continue to spend $$$ on dresses you don't wear.. and try to use one of the color schemes she had before

Answer 10

Sweetie, at this point, I'm not sure polite is something I would worry about too much!  This girl is obviously a lifetime member of the tacky club!  OMG!  Are you kidding me ?  If I didn't know how people act, I would seriously think you were just a good writer!  

I would tell her that you are just not financially and emotionally able to help her this time around!  You've already done more than your duty three times and you can't do anymore.  Tell her if she truly wants you to stand up with her at her vow renewal (which, by the way, that's what these are, not weddings!) you will be happy to stand there in a pretty dress you already own and that's about it!  If she gets mad, oh well!  

I might consider suggesting to her that she also needs major counseling to keep staying with this guy, and explain where these babies are coming from, cause she doesn't seem to know!

Answer 11

Wow!  My question to you is: why are you friends with someone who has so little regard for your time, effort, feelings & finances?!!  The old saying is true:  you teach people how to treat you.  In your case, by your actions, you've "taught" her that it's ok to walk all over you and never have any consideration for you or others.  This woman is a piece of work!!!  She just keeps having these "weddings" so she can continually get presents!!!!

So, here's my answer.  You need to PREPARE to call her.  I say this because just picking up the phone willy-nilly and calling her could end in disaster if you're not prepared.  First, sit down and mentally go through what you'd like to say.  Second, psyche yourself out so YOU stay in control of the conversation from the beginning and three, make a conscious choice that you WILL NOT let her manipulate or guilt you into doing something you're not comfortable with.  When you've done this, call her.  WHen she picks up say "Do you have time to talk because this may take a few minutes.".....if she says yes then proceed.  This is YOU being considerate of her time...much more than I can say for her but that's besides the point.  I'd say "I love you dearly and you do mean alot to me but I have to decline being a part of this wedding for my own reasons.  I've spent $1000 (insert exact amount) on your previous weddings that never happened and I just can't afford to do this one.  Also, I just can no longer support your staying in this marriage & it wouldn't be right to be there to celebrate it when I don't agree with it.  I don't want to bring down your day.  You should have it be what you want it to be.  I'm sorry if you're hurt or don't understand but this is my final decision and I hope you will respect it."

Again, stay in control of the conversation the whole time.  IF she starts crying about the state of her marriage & making you feel bad, just say "I'm sorry you're in this situation but my decision hasn't changed.  If you truly cared about me as a friend, you would show more consideration for the incredible amount of time, energy & money you've asked all of us to spend.  I'm sorry but I can't support this and I won't."

Answer 12

tell her the only way you will b her moh is if she havin a divorce party

Answer 13

seiously sit her down and explain how ridiculous this all is, she does not need to marry this guy for one....second you have spent sooo much on weddings that didn't happen and I would be scared that it would be called off again...it's also very very very tacky for her to have another shower and I wouldn't throw it for her.

Answer 14

You don't have to feel like an idiot, most of us do things that turn out to not be for the best for our friends or family because we care about them.

I have had to learn how to set boundaries for people whether I care about them or not.  This is what you need to do.  You're going to have to put your foot down with your friend and try to explain to her that while you do care about her, remind her that you have already spent way too much non-refundable money on her weddings that never took place and you just cannot afford to do it again.  Ask her what's wrong with using one of the color schemes that she was going to use before.



I also have a friend who knows that her husband is a jerk and is emotionally abusive to her but can't get it through her head that she needs to get out of the marriage.  

My friend already knew going into the marriage that the guy was a jerk and I tried to tell her that she shouldn't marry him because he wasn't going to change and I knew how she felt about divorce.  

She went ahead and married him anyway and they just had a child together and he has not changed.

Your friend like my friend needs to leave the husband.

It also bothers me what you said about her regarding having multiple showers to get gifts and then not returning any of them.  That's seems like she is using people in my opinion.

I'm sorry my answer is long.

Good luck!

Answer 15

Holy heck, this is a hilarious story. Gosh, I feel so bad for you. This is it, though. I would tell her the following:

"Look, as your friend, I feel I can be honest with you. So I have to  tell you that after two cancelled weddings, wherein I incurred a lot of costs that I could not get refunded back to me, I can't be in this one."

I would say that if she decides to have a small, tasteful affair where you can buy any dress you want at a department store and use shoes you already have, then fine, you'll be there. But say  that this is unfair to you, and she should acknowledge when she's put YOU through.

She'll probably get defense and put on a show about how she's the bride and you're her friend, etc. But put your foot down this time. You know what the outcome will be if you don't.

Answer 16

have him pay u back he broke those vows and she did not have to take him back. that's in the book of matthew. if they are catholic they didn't get married in a church so The Church doesn't honer it. i think that part about divorce is during the sermon on the mount in ch 6! and if nothing else u may have to break it off with her! good luck!  

Answer 17

I'm sorry to say it, but it's time for some "tough love."  Tell your friend that you love her unconditionally, but you just cannot bring yourself to be part of this farce any longer.

If she wants to "renew her vows" (because you can't get married *again*, being married already!...especially in a church!!) that's fine....send you an invitation.  But you won't be part of the couple's party nor will you have a hand in the planning of an event that most likely will NOT take place at all.

SHE is the delusional one if she honestly thinks that after all this time she'll get a scrap of anything in the form of a wedding gift!  

I pity you...and I certainly don't envy your position.  But for your own mental and emotional well-being, I'd sever ties with this fiasco before it actually goes off the tracks AGAIN.

Answer 18

Just graciously (as possible) decline, she had two other opportunities to have you as a MOH and both times she didn't come through. You shouldn't have to buy a third dress, and technically if you're already married it is tasteless to have (yet a second) bridal shower. Just nicely explain that you're not going to be able to handle the responsibility or the cost yet a third time.

Hilarious story though. :)

Answer 19

maybe you and she need to have a talk.  One that goes something like 'I realize you have changed colors for your wedding, but I do have 2 dresses that I've already purchased and I really don't have the funds to purchase another.' then hit her with the, I do apologize, but I don't think I'll be able to handle the shower for this, unless it is a small get together.  Don't fold and give her another shower or another batchelorette party, its been done once before.  Make her see that if she chooses to renew her vows, it isn't the same as being married again.  Its a ceremony to renew the vows they took years ago and since they've been  married for 7 years, why not wait until the 10th anniversary and do it then?????  Don't waste any more $ on this, yes she's your friend, but even a parent wouldn't put up this much for a wedding, which did take place 7 yrs ago whether or not it was the wedding the couple wanted

Answer 20

lay it on the line with her- that you love her but you just cant afford any more expenses! let her know that many brides renew their vows after a special anniversary and many pastors,priests or other clergy are happy to officiate!!