Friend marrying an Egyptian Man

Question

Now, before I ask the question I'm going to set a few parameters so I hopefully don't get catty answers. First, I have been in both bad and good relationships with men so I know not everyone is good or perfect. There are those men out there that are angels but there are many of the opposite. I know not all Egyptian or Middle Eastern men are scum but I put that in the heading to give the answer a stance of where I'm coming from in my question. Also, I have read many of the other posts and this does sound familiar but I swear the validity of this sad story and am not trolling about.

Anyways, my friend met a man through social circles at school and sometimes we would hang out with this man in big groups and one night she went out alone with him alone. I hate sounding stereotypical but one thing lead to another and my friend told me what he attempted that night. I can't forgive him for his actions but my gal pal did. I have a huge heart but her's is larger and this is one of those times it will get here in trouble.

She went months without seeing him and then about six months ago I find out there dating. Everytime we go out he's right on top of her and I try to be happy for my friend but characteristically a good man doesn't do this. Each time he is with her he said how pretty she is, he loves her, and wants to marry her. I and some of her other friends saw through this and tried to talk to her because she gave hints that she would leave the relationship.

Finally, last week on a "surprise trip" he flew her halfway across the country and asked her to marry him. Since she has a big heart being placed in a situation thousands of miles away from her home she agreed. I'm trying to be happy for my friend but know that this will end poorly and I don't want to see this happen. I've seen her a few times and don't know what to say and pretend to be happy for her but it hurts seeing my friend in a future with a man that doesn't respect her other male friends, co-workers I've talked to despise him, and I could go on and on. So my question to this large community what can I do? Am I helpless to help my friend?

Answer 1

There was nothing you said about this man that had anything to do with his race. Furthermore, saying you don't think all x*x men are scum means you think many of them are.  

I think you're letting your biases get in the way of your good judgment. By that I mean, maybe this guy is terrible for your friend - but if you love your friend you will support her.  You kind of hedged your language so I don't know what you were saying, but unless he is physically abusing her you don't need to intervene to save her.

People have to make their own mistakes and find their own path.  The best you can do is let her know why you think she's making a mistake and leave it at that.   Be there to support her if the marriage falls apart, but if you try to drive yourself in between them you might find that she chooses him over you - and then where would you be?

Answer 2

Is he wanting to marry her to stay in the country?  If so, I hope she turns him down.  Also, if he is muslim crazy, she will have to adapt to a whole new life style.  I don't advise it.  

Answer 3

If you sincerely care about this person, you owe it to her and the integrity of your relationship, to be honest with her, even if it damages your relationship.

Be vague, unless she asks you to be more specific.  But, tell her that you have grave concerns about this man's true intentions and/or feelings and/ or motives.  Tell her you care about her, and want her to be happy.  But, to ensure that she is making the right decision, ask her to insist on a long engagement.  Historically, the engagement period (1 to 2 years) is intended for the couple to get to know each other, and work out any differences (money, religion, where to live, etc.)

If you could only convince her that a traditional engagement period is in her best interest (without slamming the guy too much, or she'll stop listening) the time will give her the space to make her own observations, and back out on her own (and save her humiliation.)

Suggest pre-marital counseling, if you think that'd be helpful to open her eyes.

If all else fails, see how many other people share your same views, and if you can't talk her into a long engagement, try an intervention.

I'm guessing this guy wants a green card.  But, how much would it suck if his ulterior motives were even worse?  I hope she knows if she marries this guy she should NEVER get on a plane to visit Egypt.  I'm not well-versed in Egyptian law.  But, I wonder if that's one of those countries where a wife is considered property of her husband, without legal right to leave the country?

Answer 4

Your friend is aware that you do not like this man and she has continued in the relationship. There is nothing more you can do.

If your friend sees your displeasure with the situation, she is going to feel closer to him than ever.  Since you don't want that, try to accept their relationship.  This will take the pressure off of her and allow her to really get to know him because she will stop feeling like she has to defend him.  

With everyone relaxed and happy, if he isn't Mr.Right, it will surely be apparent to her before long.  

In other words, be her friend, support her in her decisions, be kind to her man and encourage everyone to be themselves and let nature take its' course!  

Yes, I know it hurts to see someone you love walk into a trap.  So just continue to be there for her and if he's a complete jerk, she will begin to see it too.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do.  You can only be there for her, when the end comes.

Answer 6

Sooner or later he will want to go home. If they have children, he will want them with him. If she, the less than an insect, female does not agree to go home with him he will take the kids and break her heart.  She has got to be out her mind to want to marry this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let your friend see this note and the others you will get here.

Answer 7

Your place is not to "help" her. As her friend your place to support her, be there for her and love her no matter what. She made a choice. If she is old enough to make this choice, she is old enough to handle whatever the consequences are or are not.

If you feel that you MUST state your opinions go ahead and do so, but ONLY once, and be prepared for the outcome.  

Answer 8

Really, it's her decision, no matter how painful it may look to you from the outside looking in. Just be a good friend and stand by her, and if it DOES end poorly, don't say, "I told you so", but stand by her then, too. It's not your place to do anything differently, unless he was beating her, cheating on her, or abusing her in some way ... pointing out his flaws will just make her resent you.

Answer 9

Sometimes you just gotta let people **** up on their own.  I've seen this situation scores of times, the warning signals are there and friends just don't seem to care.  And then they come back for help.

People are naive, they make their own mistakes, but just be there when they return and help rebuild your friends life.

Answer 10

That is really sad:( I personally can't relate but my opinion is that you just need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel.You don't have to be mean about it i would just tell her your opinion. The other question you have to ask yourself is "Is she happy?" This is tough.. If you think she is happy just tell her that you support her choice but you are just trying to look out for her and do what any good friend would do.

I hope this helped:)

Answer 11

Give her advice and warn her of your concerns

Then hope she makes up her own mind before its too late

Hopefully she'll see sense and won't go through with it!

Answer 12

first off, though you are being honest.... its not about YOUR life, and not your choice which is important. I suppose your friend is an educated adult who is able to see good and bad sides of this relationship. She must be knowing the cultural differences between Egyptians and (Americans) ? so let her make her choice.

But you could point out to her those cultural differences and ask if she has already considered these things, which you have mentioned in your question...

Second off, egyptian people are usually not that bad, in my experience. I worked in an egyptian firm in scandinavia and some of the amazing people that i have met in my life were a few egyptians there. They were the most hospitable, generous and polite people. BUT, there is a huge difference between an educated egyptian and unskilled kind of factory guy doing odd jobs etc. If he has a university degree or is in some decent profession, then i am pretty sure he is okay. Else, i would rather be on your side on this one. If you need to talk more on this, you can write me.