From one mother to other parents- Is this bad?

Question

I have three children whose ages are 8 (almost nine- October), 6, and 4. Sometimes I have a really hard time getting up in the morning due to medication for depression. I have let my 8 year old watch the younger two for an hour or two while I get up and awake. She knows she is not allowed to cook anything, but she enjoys getting them breakfast (pop tarts, cereal, etc). Usually they just watch some cartoons or my oldest puts in a movie. The younger seem fine with this situation. The oldest doesn't complain. Sometimes, I also take a quick shower to help wake up.

First of all, is this a bad thing to let my oldest watch the younger two and get them breakfast?

Second, should I pay my oldest for this? She gets an allowance ($1 a week for various chores).

What are your thoughts?

PS- they all know to Never open the door or to give out any personal information over the phone (I usually get the phone when it calls unless I am in the shower)

Answer 1

I wouldn't necessarily call it "bad", I would however suggest to you that

you are using your daughter to do the things that you should be doing yourself.  I understand all about that kind of depression, I suffered with it for a number of years, so I know what you're talking about.  What you need to do is find a therapist you feel comfortable with, make yourself talk things out and confront what you are depressed about.  Ease back on the medication so you're not so tired all the time.  Your daughter is only 8, she shouldn't be taking your place at that age, even if it is only pop tarts and whatnot.  Even if she doesn't mind, what's she going to say to you? "yeah, mom, I don't want to do this, their your kids, not mine?"  Of course she's going to help out and you are lucky that she does, that doesn't mean that she should.  Ask your therapist to change your medication while you deal with your issues, don't rely only on the drugs to cope, it won't work.  You have to talk it out and deal with it.  Let your daughter be a kid, you need to be the mom, not her.

Answer 2

Sorry - I don't think you should be relying on your daughter so much. Sounds like you already know this or you wouldn't be asking the question. Right now it might seem ok to her  - she gets to be mom's big helper and stand out with the added responsibility. Unfortunately it gets old soon. I have had quite a few friends who had this burden placed on them when they were young. 2 of them were in the same situation - in charge of their 2 younger siblings.........nothing big ( like you stated ) just turning on the TV, keeping an eye on them, putting out some food, but you know what.........they all said that now looking back they completely resent the position they were put into. In the beginning they were ok helping with their siblings and after a while it bugged them. Like I said now at about 30yrs old they see they were used. I'm not saying they don't love their mothers or that they don't get along with them, but they resented         ( specifically ) the burden. I don't mean to be too harsh, but think about the position your putting your daughter in. She won't tell you if she doesn't like it. Do you really want her to look back on this when she's an adult and realized she was taken advantage of?

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression.  That's a tough thing for any parent.  But it seems like you're placing a heavy burden on your oldest child. In a sense, you're asking her to be the mother in the family, if just for a short time. She is more or less in the position of taking care of you. It's not the work so much as the responsibility that she has.  If she is really OK with it, I would pay her or reward her a little more than  $1 a week. I'm not familiar with medications for depression.  Is not being able to get up in the morning a common side effect?  If something happened, such as a fire or an accident,  would you be able to wake up and respond quickly?  Have you asked your doctor about adjusting the medication?  

Answer 4

I do the same thing......not for longer than an hour, but my oldest (9) does babysit the younger ones (4 and 2). Sometimes in the morning so I can sleep in a little extra or to take a shower. I think if YOU think your oldest is responsible, then what's the harm?? You're in the house...just sleeping. It's not like you're out at night partying and the children are home alone. Don't stress about it. You sound like a wonderful Mom....one that just enjoys her beauty sleep lol :)

Good luck!

Answer 5

She shouldn't get an allowance for being a big sister. Any yes, you are wrong for doing this. You are setting a terrible example for kids by sleeping in and not being there to take care of them in the morning. Kick yourself in the butt and MAKE yourself get out of bed. It's one thing to sleep a little late on a weekend day while the kids pile on your bed to watch a cartoon for 30 MINUTES but not an hour or two!

Even after a late night at a dinner event with drinks I force myself to get out of bed to be there for the kids when they are up. Even just hanging out on the couch reading the paper while they climb on me is all they need.

Get out of bed!

Answer 6

I think it's totally fine. If something happens she can still come and get you, and if she enjoys it it's even better. I exercise horses for a friend and she puts her 2 yr old to bed before we go out to the back and ride, and if her 6 yr old daughter doesn't want to ride she stays in the house and watches tv, but when her little brother wakes up she comes out and lets us know.  

Answer 7

Im not a mom yet (37 weeks pregnant) but My mom would do that to us ... I am the oldest and have 2 younger sisters...

I was fine with the situation and infact i liked the responsibility ...

i never got paid money for it but my mom would thank me and sometimes she would go to Clairs and buy alot of cheap necklaces and little things and whenever I would help her for a week she would let me choose something from the Clairs bag ... to me that was a reward enough :)

As long as you let her know you are greatful you are okay ... and keep on telling them not to answer doors ... turn on the stove ect... it never hurts to remind them everyday just in case ... my mom reminded us of that till I was 18 haha! but shes just over protective!!

Good luck!!  

Answer 8

i am not a mother.

yes, i think you should give a small allowance. since its technically your job that she is doing. like $2 a week.  she is a sweet girl.

Answer 9

I do not think its bad at all...but they should not answer the phone at all..and I think maybe raise her allowence to a dollar a day for helping watch her younger siblings..and then 1 dollar a week for her chores  

Answer 10

I guess it would be okay, but maybe a couple hours is a bit long. Let's face it though, kids have waaay more energy in the morning than us. What I do if I want to sleep in a bit longer than my daughter (7) is, get up and get her breakfast, then we go back to my room and turn on the t.v. so she can watch Spongebob or whatever, while i sleep and she does not leave my room until I'm fully awake. That early in the morning she really doesn't feel like doing much either and i can get a little extra sleep and know she's safe right next to me. perhaps you can try that, you are obviously bothered by this or you wouldnt be asking, so maybe that could be an alternative to make you feel better. Grant it, you would have alot of noise but you would still get a little extra rest without that weight of guilt on your shoulders. As far as the depression goes, ive been on meds for 3 years now, and I completely understand why they make you tired, some of them just do, maybe you should inquire about Lexapro to your doctor. Just some suggestions, and I wish you luck.

Oh, and I wanted to mention to the people that were speaking of the older days, well, thats long gone and its not as safe as it used to be. Im sorry, not being rude, but we do need to be much more cautious with our children nowadays. Im in my 20's and the world has turned upside down since i was a kid.

Answer 11

I'm confused about why your medication makes it difficult for you to get up.  It would seem that depression medication should do the opposite and help you to rise easier, faster, etc.  But, that is not the issue.

Talk to your daughter, ask her how she feels about this.  Does she feels burdened?  Does she feel like she is taking on too much too soon?  What if she wants to stay over at a friend's house?  Is she afraid to ask because she feels you need her at home?  This is bad because she needs to be able to do things as a child.  Do not specifically pay her for this, but an allowance for helping around the house is fair and smart.

Answer 12

I am a mother and trust me what you are doing is OK! I have three boys too and a few years ago I left their Father and moved us to our own small trailer, and my oldest at the time was 8 or so too and the youngest was almost three, they took great care of him and they are all just fine today! my oldest is 14 and he's not as fond of his little brothers as he used to be but its just a teenager thing. I am a firm believer of the kids helping each other with homework and making dinner and chores I do pay them an allowance but its the life lessons that will get them through a tough spot when they are older and maybe I'm not around....... you should look into a different medication for your depression, it should make you feel better not just sleepy..... and maybe try to find a support group, or  talk to a counselor depression is nothing to mess with and if you are having troubles then talk about them or get a journal and write this stuff down! it will help try it

Answer 13

Is there another adult around that could help out until you wake up in the mornings? That would be better then having your 8 yr old doing it. If the depression medicine is causing you to be that sluggish in the mornings, how about not taking it until you have a responsible adult in the house to help. Perhaps bring this up to your dr. and let them adjust your meds so you can be a mom in the mornings to your kids. Just some thoughts since you aksed.  

Answer 14

I think you need to talk to your doctor about a medication change.  The problem is not that your 8 year old is watching the other two for an hour or so, but that you are coming to rely on her to do things that it is your job to do.  

Sometimes parents are not aware of how much responsibility they put on their kids.  As she ages into a teenager, you are going to have to be careful that you don't rely on her for cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, laundry, etc.  It is an easy thing to slip into, especially if your are not on top of your game.  In the meantime, you will be taking away her childhood.  Please tread carefully and talk to your doctor.

Answer 15

I think this situation would be fine occasionally but it is not something that should happen often.  Kids need to be kids and parents need to be parents.  I think that you need to talk to your Dr. about some different medication.  There are several medications for depression and maybe another one would work better for you.  

Answer 16

What's the big deal?  There were 4 of us children growing up (I was #3).  My older brother often had to "babysit" us when Mom was busy.  She worked full time, as did my Dad, and we lived on a ranch, so there was always some kind of work to be done.  My brother (the oldest) simply kept us entertained in the sandbox or fishing or whatever.  It worked out well.  My siblings and I are all very close.  

Even as a child I realized that Moms were busy, and that she couldn't be expected to mollycoddle us 24/7.

*edit*  I am shocked at how many people are criticizing you.  For pete's sake, do they helicopter parent much???!!!???  I've been wondering why today's children are so obnoxious...maybe this is why.  My siblings and I grew up fine....all good solid citizens and all college educated and well adjusted.

Answer 17

i think that is fine . but  one dollar a week aww she cant even get a toy . maybe u should reward her with a toy or something ever so often to thank her for the effect in helping mommy

Answer 18

im not a mom but aslong as your oldest is ok with it then its fine

you might want to give her an extra treat every now and agian just to show her you appreciate her help.

Answer 19

Personally I would talk to your doctor and fine out why you are having trouble getting up in the morning. Maybe there is something he can do such as change your medication. I think it's one thing to allow the oldest to be up and care for herself but to expect her to care for the younger ones is a bit much. This is just how I feel about it but you know your kids best. I am assuming you wanted honest answers and I am just being honest.

Answer 20

no i do not think it is bad-it would be the same thing if you decided to take a nap for a little while.

it is up to you if you pay her or not. i, myself, would get her extras at the store and tell the younger ones that this is for big sister helping mommy out. let her know you appreciate it . (i actually would pay her for this before i would chores. my children don't get allowance. they have a million other things, including sports & recreation that takes the place of allowance-i have noticed with my friends kids and neices & nephews that get paid for chores, that they literally won't do anything for anyone including our 90 year old grandma unless money is involved)my children show up without being asked too and are happy with an ice cream bar after mowing her lawn.-anyway, as long as she is responsible enough in your eyes (your in the next room for emergencies) then it is fine. that is what family is about-helping each other when we need it.

Answer 21

As long you are in the home with them and you know for sure that the oldest will call you when something happens , i see no problem. No i would not pay her,she lives in the home watches tv and sleeps on beds? should i go on?

Answer 22

Your 8 year old sounds like a great help. Sorry to hear about your depression. I have had it before and I know how you're feeling. To be honest it doesn't sound like the best situation. It sounds like your relying on your 8 year old to do alot of things that she shouldn't have to do. It may work for your family but personally I would try to cut back on the amount of time it takes you to get going in the morning and let your 8 year old be more of a kid. Maybe go to bed earlier or wake up before the kids are up so you can get going before they need you and be better able to function when they get up. Good Luck!!

Answer 23

I don't think you need to give an allowance for this. I think as long as your oldest is responsible then I am sure it is fine and as long as it's not an every day thing. It's not like you are leaving them alone, you are in the other room if they need you. You sound like you have gone over safety issues with them as well. I wouldn't worry about it. Just make sure once you are up that you take over and give your oldest a break.