From reading some of the responses on the adoption thread about open/closed adoption?

Question

l've been reading a lot of mixed messages about whether or not adopted children feel 'good' about being adopted or not. Some have said they appreciated their parent's honesty, and others have said heartbreaking things about searching out their birthparents only to be rejected. All parents rights and feelings aside, do you feel it it more beneficial to inform children about their adoption and birthparents, or not?

Answer 1

I can never remember a time not knowing that I was adopted. Its best to tell a child when they're very young. Everyone that I have known that knew from an early age has no problem with it. It's when your older, that things become traumatic.

Answer 2

Every Child needs to know. The last thing that you want is for them to find out by accident when they are older. If a child learns from when they are young and have it explained as they are growing up - not going on about it all the time - they will learn to understand it and that there is nothing wrong with it. However if you keep it from them and they find out when they are older they are going to be confused, angry and may even hate/resent you for not telling them......Children need to know from a young age. I think it did my brother and I a great deal to know from when we were very young

Answer 3

I think it's extremely important, if only from a medical perspective.  Birth parents could have a litany of medical issues (diabetes, cancer, etc) while the adoptive parents have no issues.  When asked about family medical history, saying no history to things like the above, can lead to delayed or mis-diagnosis.

Answer 4

I think that when they are old enough to understand it would be most beneficial to the child if they knew that they were adopted (unless of course they are obviously not their parents children).  Depending on the child is how they will react, on how you raise them and their personality traits.

Answer 5

We have always felt that it was important for our child to understand that he was adopted and that it was out of love.  He is our "chosen" child and we focus on the positive aspects of us wanting him and bringing him home, rather than the negative aspects of his biological parents.  Some day that conversation will come, but in the meantime, he grows up knowing that this is the way it was and never feels "betrayed" that we didn't tell him, etc.

Answer 6

I think a child has a right to know.  When the child gets older and does not see any family resemblance how are you going to explain that or when medical history comes up?  Be honest, for someone that is adopted I appreciated my parents honesty and they always said that if my sister and I ever wanted to find our birth parents they would support us 100%.

Everybody has a different story and if you are adopted you need to go with your gut feeling and make the decision yours as to whether or not you want to find your parents.

Answer 7

I believe it is ultimately better for the child to know at the earliest age possible that they are adopted. My daughter who is 4 years old knows she is adopted. She does not now what that means but she knows I love her more than life itself and that I brought her home from China.

It is less crushing and truamatic for a child to know that they were adopted than to find out at 10 or 11 years of age (or older). Think back to the episode of Friends when Chandler let the cat out of the bag. I know that is make believe but no one should find out some thing so personal like that which is how a lot of kids who are not told early on find out. Maybe not a stranger but perhaps a family member when they didn't know the child was in the room or an older bitter sibling.

The truth is there are  alot of adopted children who feel rejected by their birth parents and betrayed by their adoptive parents. They are dealing with immature emotions and do not know what to do with those emotions. The adoptive parents need to make every effort to make sure the child knows that they are loved and that they are free to discuss it openly and honestly. Without open dialogue they will not be able to work through the many issues that they may have.

They don't call the feeling of loss of birth parents the primal wound for nothing. Adoption can cut a child to the core if he or she does not have the support and ability to work through the feelings as they arise. I am sure you know some one who is "stuck" in a past emotional state and cannot move past the negative feelings about an event or person. It might be triggered by a  betrayal of love of a significant other or by the birth parents or it could be an experience they have had that left them unable to process it and move on. We as adoptive parents have a responsibility to our children to ensure that they feel comfortable talking about their feelings and that they know we are open to discussing this subject (and all subjests) openly and honestly as best we can. While that does not guarentee our children will not have issues, it is the best we can do to head them off at the past. Some times it is just not enough and professional help may be required.

Answer 8

I have always been of the belief that telling a child as early as possible is best. Why?---because it becomes the 'norm' for them, is less stressful when they tell someone else or someone asks, etc.

I have ALWAYS known. I have always been comfortable knowing. It changes nothing about me at all. I have all the information available to me about the circumstances behind my adoption.

Answer 9

You cannot spare your child heartache when it comes to adoption loss.  Lies by omission are still lies.