From someone who was abused looking into a relationship...?

Question

How can I know if I'm dating a guy who really cares, as opposed to one who just sees the "VICTIM" written across my forehead and is going to, in the end, use me as I've been hurt so many times before?

Answer 1

Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy. You need to find out how you can remove Victim from your forehead before you get in a relationship. Depending on a relationship to get ride of issues is very dangerous.

Also, you can not depend on a relationship to make you feel better. If issues are present while you are single they wont go away trying to trust someone.

Just a thought

Answer 2

You will know if your gonna be looked at as the  victim if the person seems more sympathic than empathitic .... example.. You go to tell him something and he feels compaled to over consule you on that specific issue or tries to avoid it completely because of the depth of the involvement... I'm not a doc...but that's just my take on it..

Answer 3

This is really difficult. You HAVE to test the guy to his limits, there's really no other way. Men may come and go because they cannot handle your trust issues, but trust me, if there really is a good man out there who really wants you he will stick around no matter what. I was in 2 past abusive relationships. I was about to just give up dating for good, when this guy came along. I had actually gone so far to reporting him to the police.....of course police could not finding anything to "charge" him with. Even after MONTHS of distrust, he stuck around. Now we are together 3 years and happy.

You need to be bold and put aside the girly girl image. Even though that is big part of who you are, you can always show it LATER, once you fully trust the guy. Look out for any red flag, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Most of all, know exactly what you WANT in a guy. Some girls tend to "give chances" to a guy and feel it's not a big deal whatever they don't fancy abt him, cos they can "change" it somehow.....do not give in to this type of thinking. Of course, you also need to have fun, enjoy your dates, but in safe way of course. All the best~

Answer 4

you wont know but youi cant worry too much cuz you will miss out nd if you worry about it then maybe your not ready

Answer 5

Girls who are tom-boyish tend to get it worse from predators because its very easy to tell if someone is really that aggressive or if they are just bluffing. Don't forget most abusers are relaxed when they size you up, which means they are noticing all the little quirks and whatnot that you are too busy trying to cover up. Think of it as playing poker: a guy who sweats when he's got a good hand isn't going to get too many people to bet with him. At the same time, a guy who bites his fingers or keeps looking down when he's got bad cards is going to get checked or raised alot.

Where most victims go wrong is in doing what I call fill-in-the-blanks. What I mean by this is that the 'potential' does something, they immediately assume something nice behind it, and proceed from there. A guy buys you flowers, you assume he's nice. But a ****** can buy a girl flowers cause he knows the gift will also lower her defences, meaning it will allow him to get a foot in the door without her thinking too much about it.

Predators are also very 'courtly' in the beginning of a relationship. That is because they have to put their best foot forward in order to impress the girl and get her hooked. If a guy you barely know is giving you lavish gifts, he's putting a 'sale' on you. Smoothness is also another give away, because it means he's had plenty of practice in perfecting his technique and getting others to fall for it. Women are suckers for confidence, but their brains can't tell between true confidence (they know what they want and they want you) and false/predatory confidence.

Also, make sure that the guy doesn't make too many demands on you early in the relationship. Changing alot of plans without your consent can also be a sign of an abuser, since the more comfortable they are in knowing you are hooked, the more comfortable they are in knowing they can do what they want. A guy who really cares is really consistent, bottom line. If they like you, they like you, whether eating chicken together or watching a movie or simply walking out to the car for a long ride together. Don't believe they are good, let them prove it to you that they are good, because the good ones always do.

Answer 6

I'm sorry you had to endure that. Don't let "victim" be written across your forehead. Erase it from the public's view. If someone verbally abuses you, emotionally abuses you, watch out. If someone physically abuses you even once, get out, regardless of how long you've been in the relationship. Just keep your eyes open and take things slowly. It takes time for most people's true personalities to show. Be smart about this and avoid people who have the traits of your abuser.