Fruit Theft?

Question

Higgins, my gardener, has been complaining in recent months about the local children 'scrumping' fruit from the orchards. Most of the apple trees were planted my Higgins’ grandfather so he is very attached to them, especially the Cox’s orange pippins.

As a young man Higgins could chase the scoundrels with a large stick but his gout and his lumbago mean that he can no longer effectively warn the little blighters off.

I do not want to hire a younger man to replace Higgins (I have a bit of a soft spot for the old fellow and his hilarious gourds always win the ‘rude vegetable’ category at the County Agricultural Show)

Does anyone have any tips I can pass on to Higgins before the old chap takes time off with stress?

Answer 1

Lady Constasnce, I have this deja vu feeling.

Anyway, pleasure to meet with you. Higgins needs an assistant to keep an eye on the brats that are getting to the fruit.

Higgins can still be in charge....every time he spots the local brats, have him yell.."OUT OF MY YARD". Then the assistant can take it from there.

We Havent met before have we ????

Answer 2

Tell Higgins to tell them Mrs twizzelgrass says if you leave yon appples alone she will give you her cherry

and tell him to check you out for fruit flies beforehand :)

Answer 3

My dear Lady C, my man Bagthorpe (87) had a similar problem around great aunt E's veg patch, the local common folk would sneak in a steal the cauliflowers etc...so aunt E had her butler Jones build a watch tower...my man Bagthorpe manned it with vigilance...along with the Barratt and the depleted uranium shells ? quite effective i might add...popped the blighters off like a "god dam turkey shoot" i think he said ?

i can send Bagthorpe and the Barratt over if you wish.

Answer 4

hire a security guard or get a very big dog that should do the trick inall seriousness you can get vandle paint to put on the trunks and branchs etc this is very greasy and will stop kids climbing up the trees to get your fruit cx

Answer 5

I agree with bunny.  Give him a hose to spray them down.

Answer 6

give him a water hose to spray them

Answer 7

get old higgins a quad bike and a shotgun, that should sort the little buggers out

Answer 8

Idk why but when I read that I thought I was reading a fairy tale

Answer 9

An electric fence works wonders especially if it is connected to the overhead pylons, 33,000volts. touch the apples and you end up as cinder toffee. the word will pass around pretty quick that scrumping in the Twizzlegrass orchard is fraught with danger.

Answer 10

Post no trespassing signs. Identify the kids, and make a visit to their parents home. It works

Answer 11

Lady Constance Hoodwinker the 3rd,

The apples are not ripe yet my lady,

They haven't been over recent months either,

I fear Higgins is pulling your leg.

Can i have one of his hilariously shaped gourds though?

Yours gratefully,