Funniest thing you've heard today?

Question

Funniest thing you've heard today?

Answer 1

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the h**l, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her b*****s together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her b*****s, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Answer 2

lol i heard these jokes:

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming round in Mexico

...

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro , bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied 'Si, señor, sometimes the bull wins.

lol!!

Having just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class, the

teacher decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the

vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent'

means?" she asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint:

"Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft

voice said, "Virgins?"

lol!!

Answer 3

i didn't exactly hear it but i did see this billboard that said:

" Car Credit City, Easier than your prom date"

Answer 4

lol i have only two words:

FRESH PRINCE

Answer 5

My f**t. It kinda slipped out and had a squealing sound.

Answer 6

Funniest thing I heard today:

I was walking down an alley last night.

I heard someone shouting "Help Help!" It was coming from behind the garbage cans. I looked and I saw an old lady fighting two robbers. They were trying to take her purse, but she was putting up a heck of a fight.

I looked and thought Should I help or should I walk away and pretend I didn't see?

Well, I decided to help.

That lady put up a heck of a fight, but the three of us finally got the purse. :)

( \_/ )

( 0.o )

( >< )

Answer 7

Not for children of the young age. I found this hilarious.

_----__-----__---___--___---_--_-----_...

'I think evolution is a bunch of bullcrap but the school says i have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought by charles darwin. Okay, so in the beginning we were all a bunch of fish swimming around in the water. And one day a couple fish had a r****d baby and the r****d baby was different so it got to live. So r****d fish goes on to make more r****d babies and one day a r****d baby fish crawled out of the ocean with it's mutant fish hands and it had butt secks with a squirrel or something and made this, r****d frog squirrel. And then that had a r****d baby which was a...monkey fish frog. And then this monkey fish frog had butt secks with that monkey. and then that monkey had another mutated baby that screwed that monkey. And that made you. SO there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt secks with a fish squirrel. Congradulations.

THis was meant not to offend anyone, it was just a joke from SOuth Park If you have any problem with it, take it up with the creators of South Park.

Answer 8

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice about reviving her husband's flagging libido.



'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor. ''Do you mean the s*x your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best s*x I've had in 25 years!' the woman explained. 'But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'