Funny or Witty Quotes?

Question

Does n e one have n e suggestions for funny or witty quotes.

Answer 1

"God made the fly.

Then he forgot why!"

I've always thought this was funny.  You'll probably find some better quotes at www.alternativeeducationbible.com

Answer 2

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here". -Steven Wright

The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was "involved"- the pig was "committed". -Unknown

Try to get this straight. There's nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air. -Singin' in the Rain

If I'm not back in five minutes... Just wait longer! -Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -Bruce Almighty

Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for... -Pirates of the Caribbean

Answer 3

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.  George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." Thomas Szasz

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." - Joel Hodgson

A fly without wings should be called a "walk". unknown

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."- W.C. Fields

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King

Answer 4

1. If you don't stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them.

2.“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.

-Dr. Susse

3.Xtream- The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

4. The S**t you hear about me might be true but then again, it could be as fake as the ***** who told you.

5. I just want you to know that if a jellyfish ever stung you, I'd pee on you.

There are a few! Hope you like them. =] I love quotes.

Answer 5

Groucho Marx, Night at the Opera

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Hugh Grant, Notting Hill

[to Julia Roberts] I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.

Peter De Vries

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

William James

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Answer 6

" I invented the Internet"  Al Gore

now thats funny Ha ha ha ...