Further to my question on my birthmother?

Question

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She's started ringing me now, late at night sometimes, crying and upset about her guilt over leaving me (her words, not mine). I totally understand the emotions she must be going through, and I've tried so hard to help her through, but she's placing so much on my shoulders!

I don't feel like I should have to feel like I owe her anything, yet she's giving me HUGE guilt trips, eg, "If you would have just called me mom, and accepted me as your real mother, not HER", again, those were her exact words.

What do I do?

Answer 1

The only answer is professional help; your birth mother clearly needs the help. You don’t owe her anything; again it is not your job to make everything ok for her. Her demands of you are very selfish.  Also you have nothing to feel guilty about you know your REAL mother is the one that has raised and cared for you. The one that was there to tuck you in at night, read you a book before you went to bed, kissed you when you got hurt etc.  

You need to lay down some rules in your relationship you might address this in a letter if you don’t feel comfortable telling them to her face or over the phone. If she does not improve and counties to act in such a manor  you might consider cutting contact with her for the time being.

Also from your original post you said your 34 and have been in contact with your birthmother since you were 22. That’s 12 years that you have been in contact/relationship with her. And she is only now starting to act like this? Which to me seems to be saying she is dealing with other issues other then having placed you for adoption. If it was all about the adoption surely this feelings and issues would have surfaced closer to when you all got into contact and not over a decade later.

Answer 2

My dad left when I was a few months old and my mother remarried when I was 2. He adopted me and I never met my dad until I was 8. Then, we spoke very seldom until I was about 17. He suddenly developed feelings and wanted to be my dad. I told him that I loved him and I wasnt mad at him, and that I was willing to have a relationship with him, but that he'd never be my "dad." I am now 25 and my dad and I keep in touch but the relationship has stayed more like friends. I had to be upfront with him and sometimes it wasn't easy, but it was the right thing for me to do. Good luck.

Answer 3

Relinquishing mothers often suffer from PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Often - it is not treated - instead relinquishing mothers are often told just to go home and get over it!

You would have also seen the comments here - birth mothers are told - you made your decision - you have no right to voice your opinion about your feelings - or your loss.

Mothers who lose babies to death - are NEVER told such things. There are many reasons often behind relinquishment - but that still doesn't make it any less traumatic to the mother. No matter how one loses a child - one still MUST be allowed to grieve for that child.

I would say that your mother has never had an outlet to voice her deep down regrets and pain - and now it's coming out in a way that is quite scary for you.

Think about it - if you never grieve something - and just push down your feelings - because no one has ever allowed you to voice you regrets etc - it's gotta come out - someday - and the longer it's pushed down - the worse it comes out.

You stated in another question that your a-parents initiated contact - not you. This could have meant that feelings for her were buried deep as she would have wanted to play 'happy birth mother' to make sure that contact would continue.

Also now - if you are backing away - she's probably scared out of her mind that she's going to lose you again.

I'm not saying that what she is doing is right - but I'm just trying to let you know why she may be behaving so over-the-top now - when maybe it wasn't so bad before.

Please try and get her involved in some support groups. She needs to talk with other mothers that have lost children to adoption.  She probably also needs a really good therapist to help her through - but she needs one that is sympathetic to the losses in adoption - and not one that will tell her - that she made her decisions - and now she has to live with them. (which will only make it far worse for her)

Try firmly saying to her what boundaries you need - but always stress that you're not going anywhere - you'll still be around.

She sounds terrified that she's going to lose you again.

Write stuff down - if you need to - sometimes it can be really hard to talk when emotions get all heated - and perhaps a letter of some kind may help.

Get her to contact OriginsUSA -

http://origins-usa.org/

And Adoption Crossroads -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

Either may be able to find an 'in-real-life' support group.

Adoption Crossroads also has an online support group.

Talking to others who have gone through similar traumatic events can really help - and may help calm your mothers fears.

I'm sorry that she's making you feel so uncomfortable.

Answer 4

You might recommend she check out a site called http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org  It's run by a noted author and SW who has done extentsive work with adoptees and moms of adoption loss.

You're right, she's grieving and it is unfair to foist it upon you. One of the saddest realities is the past is over and we don't get a "do over"

Maybe if you can point her to a place to find compassionate help, she'll look less to you for her healing.

Answer 5

You need not take her calls always. Be friendly and nice to her  whenever you do. Let her know  firmly that you will never call her MOM. Tell her you can only be friends. Dont ever be nasty with her. You do not know why she gave you for adoption. She must be having her own problems. She was the one who brought you into this world. It is hard but just try to be polite and aloof. You dont owe her any thing. Just treat her as one human being treats another.

Answer 6

my opinion also its not your fault, have you ask her why? tell her im sorry but this was your decision to do this, not mine, if you r happy tell her you are happy.you think about her, but now you have your own life. if you dont wont her in your life change her # and have it private,i didnt mean to say that in a bad way. though she should not do that to you, it not like you dont have enough to think about in this situation wondering why.maybe yall can just go talk about it. if you do want her in your life tell her, yes i know you are my birth mother and you can call me from time to time, but dont lay your guilt trip on me. you gave me up and these people gave me a good home. and this is where i belong now. dont get me wrong im not telling you what to say, just something in that area.but like i said my opinion,

Answer 7

Although Possom is correct about PTSD again I have to support those who say "It's not your problem" As an adult and an Adoptee (I am both) we have our own issues and it is unfair for her to ask you to carry hers. I would NEVER do this to any child of mine EVER. I would personally printout a sheet of PTSD info and a list of services, forums, support groups free or no cost if needed and give them to her. Tell her you love her, and you always will but until she deals with these issues you cannot be in her life. Tell her  when she has resolved them you welcome her back into your life but until till them you are ending this relationship. I would also write her a private letter  telling her you forgive her, you love her and thanking her for the decision she made. This will help her to deal with these issues..something to read back on as she is dealing or when she is really low. Something to hold as she grown and hopefully is one day able to forgive herself. Good Luck to you but in your mothers best interest you need to tell her to go and get help or she can't see you.. She needs it. God Bless

Answer 8

Oh my goodness...she's acting like a child and obviously has issues that are not any of your business to solve for her.  She made her decisions long ago and needs to deal with them in a mature way.  

She needs much more than you can give her.  She should have a therapist or someone to talk to about this...not you!  

You have to be strong and tell her that until she seeks professional help you will not be able to talk to her on the phone anymore and then DO IT!  

This is not your problem to solve and she is causing you much more anguish than I suspect she is feeling herself.  She sounds somewhat selfish actually.  

I do wish you the best and hope you talk this over with your Mom (the one that has been there for you since day one!) Good luck!

Answer 9

In my opinion, it is time to cut bait and run, just like she did.

She has no freaking right to make you feel this way, none.  If in your shoes I would write her a letter and just tell her that you won't tolerate her belittling your relationship with your mother and that her guilt trips are unwarranted and unwanted.  Tell her that if she cannot stay in the present and try to find some kind of good, healthy relationship, then you prefer no relationship.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  Although I am not adopted, my mother gave 2 children up for adoption prior to her marrying my father.  As I was their oldest, she for some reason, treated me pretty unfairly throughout the years.  It took me years to figure it out, but her all consuming guilt over her other two babies manifested itself in treating me like a second class citizen.  

Everyone always says how wonderful adoption is, but from experience, it can also play h**l on the mother.  My mom never got over her guilt and was mentally unstable and racked with shame and pain her whole life.  She sought forgiveness through Christianity and all she ever found was more pain and more guilt.  We did not come to terms and begin to have a truly loving relationship until I was in my early 30s, regretfully she died within a couple years of that.

If the opportunity to be in your life was not enough to help your birth mother find closure and accept her choice, nothing you do will help her either.

Save yourself and cut her out of your life.

Peace to you my friend.

Answer 10

what you are saying is a Caramel offence.

you owe her NOTHING AT ALL if she keeps doing this to you then i would take a restraining order out on her and change your phone number and anything that you might need in-order to stop this..

you do not need this from her or anyone you most likely had all the BS when growing up anyway do not let her do this to you...

remember the law is on your side and so is right being there to say it is not your fault  what she is doing and you don't have to take it

Answer 11

She gave you up for adoption. She arranged for you to live with another family presumably because she wanted you to receive love and care she felt unable to give you. You were too young to have any power or control. The law and the adults determined your future. Now you are you. You have people who have nutured you and cared for you. That is where you belong.  She signed papers and gave you up. You should not feel guilt. You did eveything you were supposed to do.

Answer 12

I am an adoptee and will NEVER refer to my birthmom as "mom".  She just isn't my "mom".  She didn't raise me, take care of me or was there for any of my trials, tribulations or achievements.  Unfortunately there are many birthmoms who feel that they can turn the clock back and start over.  It's just not going to happen.  A clock moves forward not back (unless it's daylight savings time - lol).  Explain to her why you are uncomfortable with this and ask that your relationship move forward in a positive direction instead of trying to recapture something that is LONG gone.  I also agree that she does need professional help in dealing with her issue on this.  The only thing this situation is going to do is make a wide gap between the two of you because there is going to come a time that you're finally fed up and realize that it's easier to walk away.  I'm tired of being told by anti adoption people how I should feel.  They have not lived in my shoes.  They will NEVER understand my situation because they're so caught up in trying to recapture that time period in wishing it were different.  Walk to your own drummer and listen to your heart.  Do what you feel is best for you.  If your birthmom has issues and can't get past this then maybe you should cut your losses and go on with life.  My birthmom told me from the beginning that she's not trying to replace my mom but would like a healthy relationship and a future.  She's one of my best friends now because we have the understanding that our relationship cannot be rekindled in that mother/daughter way.  And this REAL mother bit is for the birds.  Look at the definition of real.  But don't stop at the first definition.  Nothing is ever black and white.  Good luck.

Answer 13

You owe her nothing and how can she expect you to call her mum. My mum doesn't expect that of my older brother she knows that she will never be his mum because she never bought him up but she will always be his mother because she is the one that gave him life. maybe that is what you need to tell her that she may always be your mother but will never be your mum cause you already have one of them. I know it sounds harsh and she will probably get upset (more than likely with the guilt trips she is giving you) but it is the truth. Good luck : - )

Answer 14

you owe her nothing.