Future Daughter-in-Law thinks our family events are optional?

Question

My son's been dating his fiancee for 3 years now. During that time, she's only been to two of our family events, citing as an excuse that she's not "comfortable around strangers." She's said that missing our family gatherings isn't a big deal-the events will go on without her & she won't be missed. But my son goes to all her family events & she would never dream of missing one. FDIL's also never sent me a birthday card or acknowledged Mother's Day. This Saturday will be my 30th wedding anniversary and while my son will be attending, my FDIL will not. Where will she be? She will be at a co-worker's going away party. I may be old fashioned, but I think this is rude. She could at least come for an hour or two. Contrast this w/her parent's wedding anniversary last year-she helped plan it, find a venue for the party & had my son help out. My daughter asked FDIL if she'd like to help out with my anniversary & she said no, she'd leave up any participation to my son.

Answer 1

While I realize this issue bothers you a lot and it hurts to a certain degree because you have probably always dreamed of a daughter in law that you could be close to, the truth is this isn't your issue to be concerned about.  The truth is that this is your son's issue.  It is between her and him what is acceptable.  If he doesn't see a problem with it and he is happy then you need to learn to simply be happy for his sake.

Answer 2

well my husband had only been to a handful of my family gathering as we have one everytime somes farts as he says so i don't make him go we have been together over 8 years and married 6 years and if he don't want to go then he don't have to go but his family don't do them and so i don't have to worry about it but he is starting to get to the part of feeling comfortable around my family know maybe she is just not comfortable around strangers maybe it will get better later but don't make her do something she don't and if your son don't care then why should you

Answer 3

I don't think this girl is being rude. Far from it. I think she is showing common sense. The OP has said in a previous posting she doesn't think her son's FDIL is the right girl for him. Now I and every woman on this planet can tell you that women talk, especially women, who make up the heart and soul of any family and you can best believe if mama thinks that, she has opened her yap to the family and told them and they now look at the FDIL in a less than welcoming light. Who wants or needs to be around that. This is yet another FMIL claiming to be a victim.

Answer 4

I think you need to let this go. You have been having issues with this woman and you don't even think that she is good for your son. Your FDIL knows this and that is probably why she doesn't want to be around you. She sounds like a smart girl. I would hope she continues to stay out of these uncomfortable situations you keep trying to throw her in. Of course she isn't comfortable around you, you don't even like her!

Don't mean to sound rude but I think you have done enough and your FDIL should just be left alone. You are only going to alienate her and your son the more you keep it up.

Answer 5

I agree.

She wouldn't be a stranger to your family if she'd go to family events more and get to know her soon-to-be family.

I think a lot of blame goes on your son for allowing her to behave this way.

Ask your son why she doesn't want to be there. He may know.

And don't let it get to you. There's not much you can do to change it.

Your son should talk to her and coax her into going to more family gathering so she won't be such a stranger and appear rude and always MIA.

How will it be if they have kids?

Will she ever bring them around? Will you be welcomed in their home for visits? Will your son and the kids go to family gatherings, but not his wife and their mother?

Answer 6

Invite her out to lunch and discuss this with her, without sounding like your attacking her!

Such as "I would really like to have a closer relationship with you, as you will be/are part of my family"  "You say your not comfortable around strangers, would it help if I arranged some smaller dinner parties, where you could meet people in smaller increments?"

"I want to be honest with you and tell you that I feel/felt hurt, rejected when it seems you don't want to have anything to do with /celebrate important events in our family's life.  Did we do something to offend you?"

The important thing is to put the 'ball in her court' and then listen to her responses.  And try not to get upset if she says she is just not the 'open' type or that she doesn't want to intrude.

While you see it one way, the way I just read your question....she got to be in charge of the whole kit and kaboodle planning for her parents party but didn't seem to want to get anywhere near the possible 'idea clashes' with your daughter.  My husband and I decided while engaged that I decide/take care of things for my family and he decides/ for his.  While I will sometimes give him a reminder, I stay out of a lot but always attend and will definitely lend a hand if asked.

Answer 7

Heck, sometimes I'm not comfortable in my own family's reunions!

Everyone gets alongs differently. You can't ask her to show feelings towards you that she doesn't have.... Certain people are more affetionate and bond quicker than others.... You have to understand, your son, and your daughter in-law are totally different people, and that's ok....

She's had all her life to bond with her family, and only 3yrs (or less, if she wasn't introduced till later) to bond with your family....

I don't form attatchments to people too easily, and get very uncomfortable in big gatherings, kind of alone in the middle of all the madness, and alienated (not on purpose), so I can understand where she's coming from.

You can't blame her for having a bigger bond with her family than she has with you.....

So have patience, and hopefully, she'll warm up to you, eventually....

Answer 8

It isnt a big deal.

If she doesnt want to go, for ANY reason, its up to her and you shouldnt think its cos of you.......... Its cos of her.

Just except she doesnt like Gatherings.

I havent been to a family gathering in years......... I run out of conversation in about 2 minutes, then stand around looking at my feet.

and I dont dance !!

Plus..... half an hour of other people drinking turns em into fcukin idiots,  and I cant stand it.

Answer 9

If your son doesn't mind that she is not there participating then I think you should just let it go.  I agree with you that it is rude but if she doesn't want to be there the she shouldn't have to be there.  She would be no fun anyway because she would feel "forced" to go.  Just leave those issues to your son.  Eventually he will get bored with it because I'm sure everyone is always asking him where she is at.  Just enjoy the time you have with your son and remember..she isn't your daughter in law YET so use this time with him to your advantage.  Don't hound him about her not coming.  This could truly be a blessing in disguise.  Have fun at your party and focus on the people that are there who love and care about you not the ones who refused to come or could not make it.

Answer 10

You can't force someone to do things so it is a hard situation. I almost feel like the problem is with your son. Does he not want this girl to truely be a part of his life.

If he wasn't close to you and did come to parties it would be different but since he is close and does come then I would think he would want her there.

Have you spoken with your son?  Tell him that you would really like it if she could attend functions with your family as she is now marrying him and will be a part of it.

If she doesn't get better about this you could have issues getting together with your son and potential grandchildren in the future.

Answer 11

Well, have you told her how you feel?  She might not expect your son to attend her family events either (that might just be what she's used to) and feel that they just attend their own family events.  You could just let her know that you'd really like it if she dropped by, and that you feel a bit hurt when she doesn't.  I know for me, my family doesn't really do big family reunions, so i was a bit surprised hearing about the importance my boyfriend's family puts on holidays/family gatherings.  Once I knew, I went with him--but if he hadn't told me, it wouldn't have occurred to me that his family would be offended.

Answer 12

Since this isn't the first question you have put up here about you FDIL, I can make an accurate assumption.

You don't like your FDIL, its apparant, to those reading, and I am VERY sure it is to her and your son as well....

She doesn't want to be around you because you just have this hatred for the poor girl and, like a normal person, doesn't want to be around someone who hates her...

She is smart to stay away from you because you don't want her to participate so you can get to know the girl better, you want her close so you can verify if your assumptions on the poor girl are accurate.

Stop being the MIL from h**l.... if my MIL was like you, I'd stay away too.

Answer 13

Either she's intimidated by you and your family or she's just a jerk- thats really rude of her.

Answer 14

This is very rude on (FDIL) part.  She should try to bond with you the same way she bonds with her family.  Has someone in your family "offended" her?  I am very close with my in-laws.  I wouldn't dream of having it any other way.  The only reason I would miss a family function would be b/c I was really hurt by someone/something in my husband's family.  Even then, I would talk to my mother-in-law and tell her about it.  I think attending a co-worker's going away party opposed to going to her mother-in-law's 30th wedding anniversary is completely unacceptable.

Answer 15

While I can understand where your FDIL is coming from in part (I was thoroughly terrified of my FMIL for about the first three years of my almost 6-year relationship with my fiance) I am also a firm believer in the old adage "Marry the man, marry the family."  In the past few years, and especially since we got engaged back in January, I have made it more of a priority than ever to become more involved in his family gatherings, holidays, birthdays, etc.  I don't think you're wrong to feel slighted by this girl's decidedly rude behavior, but I also think you and your family might need to think about what you may be unintentionally doing that may cause her to feel uncomfortable around you.  I'm not saying you and your family should change who you are just for her, but maybe you could do something special to show her she's welcome into your family.  In my case, I used to take my fiance's family's naturally quiet and reserved personalities as a sign that they didn't like me, just because I come from a family full of very bubbly, gregarious personalities.  Maybe it's just a miscommunication, but you need to talk to your son and see what you can do to help her reach out, because this kind of snub is no longer acceptable now that she's engaged to marry your son.

Answer 16

Oh dear.  This is tough.... I would invite her or make her lunch and sit her down and ask her how she feels about the family.  You might be surprised to hear her response.  She might have an issue with someone or may feel uncomfortable for some unsighted reason.  Tell her how much you want her to be a part of the family... do NOT mention how you feel slighted by her other engagements.  If you make this into a negative conversation, you can be sure that she will not attend future events.  Keep the focus on YOUR feelings... "I would love it if you would come to my birthday party and miss you when you aren't there."

Answer 17

She sounds unreasonable but what is your question?

Answer 18

Is your FDIL's disinterest in you and your events the only thing "wrong" with her? Hey, lady, your family events ARE optional. Besides, it's up to your son to decide whether he can possibly squeeze a drop of happiness out of a relationship with this woman. Have you thought that the woman simply doesn't like you and your rules of behavior??

Answer 19

...so what's the question? It sounds like your making a very big deal out of this. Maybe you should try talking to her instead of about her.

Answer 20

I guess I'm old fashioned also but this woman sounds like a real B to me.  I could see *maybe* if she grew up in a family that did not have a lot of family functions (which is obviously not the case) her being uncomfortable.  Calling her fiance's family strangers and making no effort to get to know his family is just very rude, in my opinion.  I think you should share your feelings with your son, in a non confrontational way- let him know how this hurts you.  Things may not change, but at least you will have spoken your peace.  Best of luck!

Answer 21

This is going to sound rude, but family events are optional. There is no law mandating that she has to go.

Your future daughter in law is inconsiderate, but she's not doing anything illegal, and she's not required to participate in family events. Maybe she doesn't like your family, but she's trying to avoid conflict by not interacting with you.

My MIL went through a phase about 10 years ago when she tried to convert me to Christianity (I'm Jewish). She's a good woman and had good intentions, but it drove me crazy.

Every time she tried to take me to church or to an event with the women from church, I ignored her and made excuses not to show up, because the alternative would have been punching her in the face.  I also avoided their family functions for awhile.

As long as your son is happy, and as long as she's treating him well, let her be.

Answer 22

I don't think you're old fashioned. Although you can not force her to participate in family events, you could try to encourage her to come and join the family. It seems as though your family tries to involve her, or else I would have suggested by-passing your son and directly calling her on the phone and inviting her over, etc.. I would be offended too if I were you.

I've been married for almost 6 years, and I've always attended my husband's family events, sent them cards for special anniversaries, etc.. It just seems like the right thing to do. I also love and enjoy my in-laws so it seems natural to do those types of things. Maybe she loves your son, but doesn't feel the same way towards his family. She also could have been raised in a family where they didn't show love and appreciation towards in laws and extended family.

Another reason I would feel the same as you do is because of the fear that when she and your son have children, what if she doesn't feel it's important to bring your grandchildren to your house and visit? She may end up hogging them over at her parents house!!

Answer 23

Too bad, your son is grown and he loves this woman, why should she be forced to go to your events?. You have a control issue, it sounds like.

Answer 24

Let’s take a step back here and think about something. Who can you control? Your son? No.

His future wife? No.

You and your reactions? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.

This is 100% an issue of control. You want to be in control of adults capable of making their own choices. That’s not old-fashioned; that’s unhealthy.

I’ve known too many people, including my own mother, who would rather worry themselves to death about things they can do nothing about than to simply accept that things are what they are and that no amount of worry can change that.

Your son has chosen to be with this woman and he has apparently chosen to accept her involvement with your family. The only thing you can do about that is to accept it. Let it go, or you can keep being miserable about something you can do nothing about.

Your son should be the one acknowledging Mother’s Day and your birthday, not someone else. If he’s not and that upsets you, mention it to him – of course keeping in mind that you can’t change him either.

If you’re this controlling across the board, I give your son’s future wife kudos for putting up boundaries early.  It’s hard to do once you’ve let a controlling person walk all over you.

It could well be that she refuses to tolerate your controlling ways and rather than hurt you by telling you she doesn’t like your disposition, she’s making a compromise: taking care of herself, without telling you off. She knows she can’t change you so she makes the next best choice.

My husband has the same problem with my mother and I have no issues going to family events without him to spare him from her ways.

Answer 25

I don't see how that is much of a big deal. I don't go to my fiance's family things, he comes to all of mine. I've been to one of his family things since Easter of 2007! That was this year on the 4th of July. I refuse to go because of the way his family acts around he and I (particularly his mom) and I don't like to watch his dad drive drunk (which I can't stop). My fiance doesn't like it either. Really, this isn't between you and this woman, it is between your son and this woman. There is probably an underlying reason why she won't go, until you find out what that is and help to fix it, there isn't anything you can do. It's not exactly like she has come up to you and told you she refuses to be around you specifically, so I think you are just blowing this out of water. If it bothers you that much then mention how you feel about to your son. But this matter really has nothing to do with you, it;s between your son and his fiancee. And, she is entitled to go to all of her family things, they are HER family! Sorry, but that part sounded kind of snobbish and rude of you.

Answer 26

I completly agree with you, her behavior is rude.

I just got married 9 months ago, and i wanted to make sure that i get along with my partners family and get to know them.

She seems to be avoiding you, maybe you could suggest going to get a manicure or something together and talk to your son too, and see if he can talk to her and see why she doesnt want to spend time with you and your family.

Answer 27

Hate to tell you this: This is entirely the fault of your son to not have shown enough care and passion to her to be involved more. If he doesn't show much willingness, she'll just follow suit.

You need to express your feelings and wishes to your son so that they can be transcribed properly. Tell him that you want to gain a daughter and really would love her to be more involved and he should do the same for her family events.

All the best.

Answer 28

That is extremely rude on her part.  If she's going to be a part of the family she needs to participate.  You really should bring up your concerns with your son and get a feel for his thoughts and then tell him to talk to his fiancee.  I think if you approached her first she may feel attacked and may persuade your son to stay away from the family.  Something is very strange with this girl but she needs to be told.

Answer 29

She should know that when she marries your son, she is also marrying into the family.  Why does she want to be so unsociable?  Maybe she has secrets that she doesn't want anybody to know about her.  Hmmmmm.

Answer 30

I see two issues here:

1 - why doesn't your son have such a sense of family that would compel him to insist his fiance attends his family events unless she has a legitimate conflict?

2 - where is this girl's head at?  Her parents certainly didn't raise her properly.

I can understand her not wanting to take a major role in your anniversary party planning, but you might want to speak to your son and suggest that he start insisting his fiance start coming to more family events because the family is starting to get offended by her behavior.

Just this past weekend I attended a party solo that was in honor of my fiance's cousin graduating college (fiance had a prior commitment).  I stuck around the 3-4 people I knew and did chat briefly with a couple more who were asking about the wedding plans.  My parents raised me that family is important and I view my future family-in-law as equally as important as my own.

Answer 31

yea she sounds selfish. but you cant say anything. you will be considered the witchy mother in law. sorry, i know this is not what you want to read, but this is how it works.