Future daughter-in-law is still being incredibly rude and anti social!! What do I do?

Question

I don't want to approach my son because he will only defend her and say FDIL and I are two different people, which is true. But I am sick of her behavior because I feel she is trying to keep me out of her life and my son's life and their life together. I was also raised that you include your mother-in-law, so I can't understand why she is so exclusive. A few examples of her behavior:

I called her once by her nickname and she promptly told me that only her family and friends called her that.

I was visiting while her mother, aunts and female cousins were there. They were all laughing and cooking in the kitchen and it sounded like they were having fun. I went and asked if I could help. Everyone went dead silent and FDIL told me no, that they had it covered. She made me feel as if I was intruding on her time with her family and I felt unwelcome.

Then one time a younger cousin of FDIL's came over to raid her closet. FDIL and her cousin promptly went upstairs and stayed for the rest of my time in the home she and my son share.

Lastly, some of FDIL's relatives went mountain climbing this summer. FDIL's (who has family in England) entire family flew out to welcome them home and FDIL and another cousin were having a huge family party. FDIL said it was the first time her entire family would be here on the West Coast. I was not even invited.

Now, I know that I don't have a perfect relationship with FDIL, obviously, but it is hurtful to be so disregarded. Why is she so exclusive?

Answer 1

Everyone is different in how close they want to be to family and in laws and you just need to respect their need for space. The more you try to hang on the more they will push you away. Give them some space. You don't want to make things worse. Me and my in laws also have these kinds of issues frequently. What I think is an appropriately close relationship with them - is considered to be very distant to them. What is close to them - is completely smothering and controlling to me. It's hard because the more they pushed us - the farther we pushed away - which is tragic but they can't make our decisions for us or tell us what to do in life. Her behavior is probably unintentional but if it seems at times that you're not wanted then you need to busy yourself with other things and give her and the whole situation some space. You're probably never going to agree or make this situation perfect. Don't feel sad or lonely over not being included. Be there when they need you but don't push and if you're invited in on situations that are uncomfortable just say no. It's hard because you want to be closer and do things together but it just doesn't always work. Gosh - it's like my MIL and I love each other but have completely different views on things. Like I'd love for her to come to our home and watch the kids occasionally while one of us is here but she's not someone I'd want to watch them on her own without us at her home. She on the other hand - only wants them at her home by herself and doesn't want to help any other way. Yeah - we're so totally opposite on everything but I'm the parent and have to make decisions that are best for the kids - not necessarily what makes her most comfortable in life. In reality - it's that we're so much alike that we have these challenges. It's never going to be easy........... My in laws treat me like the outsider at family functions with the whole silence when I walk in the room kind of stuff and it hurts - but hey - I just give them more space and bow out of situations where I know I'm not really included.

Answer 2

Are you chipping in for the wedding? Talk to your son, he needs to deal with this. You may get no result but at least you tried. It is my experience that you can only try so much before it's too much. It might suck but you may have to distance yourself from them and let them live their own life. You shouldn't be subject to such rudeness and I would tell your son just that. Just inform him if she insists and acting like this she will no longer be invited over and you will no longer subject yourself to her rudeness. Good luck!

Answer 3

Maybe she's just not that comfortable with people she doesn't know so well.

I don't like when people call me "Trina".  But a lot of people in my family still do.  They're kinda grandfathered in.  But I'd bristle if my FMIL took to calling me that because I don't like it.  You have to be really, really close to me to call me that.  Though I'm cool with her calling me "Kat" which she sometimes does.

Maybe she doesn't know how to behave around you.  My FMIL and I are so different.  I like her, but I have no idea how to relate to her.  I think she feels the same way.  And this is after knowing her for more than 11 years, albeit living 6 hrs apart and seeing each other mostly on occasional holidays.  If I were somewhere with all my family and we were chatting and laughing and she entered, I'm not sure how we would react, because we just don't know her so well, and we're all chatty and loud and she's very quiet.

I could go on but, honestly, I think it's possible that your FDIL is just unsure of how to act around you.  The way you describe her isn't altogether different from how I behave around my FMIL.  And I don't have bad intentions, in fact, I'd like to get to know her better.  But I don't see her often, and her interests are vastly different than mine, so I don't know how to improve things.

Please try not to assume that your FDIL is actively trying to exclude you.  It could simply be that she doesn't know how to include you.  It doesn't help matters if you assume she doesn't want to have a relationship with you.  

Answer 4

Wow that sounds like a lot! Your FDIL might be so exclusive because she doesn't know what it's like to have a Mother-in-law. I get dicouraged by my FMIL sometimes too, but I tell her what's going on and how I feel. If your FDIL doesn't know you feel excluded all the time then it won't get fixed. Ask her to go for lunch just the two of you one day to get to know her better. Tell her you are only trying to help and want to be friends. Maybe you will get some insight from her. Ask if there is anything you do that may upset her.... you never know :)

Good luck!

Answer 5

The only thing I could suggest is for you to invite her to something.  Perhaps a small party in honor of their engagement?  Perhaps she is waiting to be included in your family before including you in hers?  Just a suggestion... good luck.

Answer 6

Maybe she doesn't like you.  Also, why are you wanting to be included in time with HER family so much?  My MIL and my family rarely do things together.  It happens, like birthday parties for the kids and stuff, but not my family's outings.  And my family doesn't attend his family's stuff.  For example- the mountain climbing.  That was an event for her family, not you.  Just tell her that sounds like alot of fun and maybe you should do something with your (and her husband's family) that is similar.  You said it made you feel like you were intruding on her time with her family, and maybe you have been.

I think she may be rude, but you also may be trying to overstep your boundaries as well.  Try developing a relationship with her.  Go to lunch, or get her a special gift that is thoughtful just because.  It takes time to build a relationship, and both parties have to participate.  Plan more stuff for the two of you or for your family and welcome her with open arms.  But keep the families seperate.

Answer 7

Wow!  I really feel bad for you in this situation, because it seems like you are really trying.  I have a Mother-in-law, and we are very different types of people, but we accept each other that way and, although I'm sure we have our own little thoughts about one another, we keep things happy and don't stir up trouble.  In your case, however, I would lay it all out on the table to her.  

Don't speak to your son, speak directly to FDIL.  Your son probably feels just as frustrated and lost as you do.  Tell her that you care deeply about your son and his happiness, and you desire to have a good relationship with her because she is your sons chosen life partner.  You can't go on forever walking on egg shells around one another, so you need to find out what this huge burr is that she has up her butt. From the examples you gave, this doesn't sound like some ordinary, "I'm different than her" conflict.  It sounds like something is really wrong.  If having a heart to heart doesn't work, that means she is just a you-know-what, and I'm very sorry for you and your son.  That's not the kind of person I'd want to be around.  

I'm sorry if this is long, and I hope I said something you find helpful.  

Answer 8

You have posted many, many question about your FDIL. I have several thoughts.

One, pray that she doesn't frequent this site. Some of the situations you've described are pretty unique, and if she knows you're blabbing about her on the internet, it might make her more closed-off to you than she already is.

Two, most of the things you've described about her could be arguably not considered rude. Most seem like over-reactions on your part, and you assuming that she needs to include you in some activity because you're the mother of the groom. The bottom line is that she doesn't.

Three, you're trying way too hard and involving yourself in what seem like attempts to be around her that blow up in your face. Maybe you had a great relationship with your MIL, but that doesn't mean everyone has to. I responded to another of your questions about her by asking why you don't do more for your son, instead of involving yourself with a woman who clearly doesn't want you around. Men need as much support and help as women do when they get married, and obviously, she's covered with her mom, her cousins, and her own family.

Lastly, we only have your side of the story. Maybe she has a list of the ways you hurt and insulted her, too. Maybe your disputes with her go further back than you're letting on. Maybe you both just need to chill.

Concentrate on your son. She's made it clear that she's handling her own decorations, her dress, her flowers, her wedding. You continuously showing up where you're not wanted, then acting surprised that she doesn't love you yet is getting old really fast, and I've only read about it here.

~Edit: Since I get thumbs-down every time I respond to you, I'll just say that this is probably one of the reasons your FDIL finds it so hard to bond with you. You ask the same questions over and over again, complaining about her, and you have an attitude towards her where everything she does is perceived by you as an insult.

Obviously you're just looking for people to tell you that you're 100% right and she's 100% wrong. Your inability to think like another person and see things from their point of view is probably why you're having these troubles in the first place.

Answer 9

Look, you keep asking this, and the answer is always the same. You can't force a relationship with her.

You've mentioned before that you don't think this girl is right for your son. Believe me, she knows you feel that way, even if you haven't said anything to her directly. So your unspoken disapproval will color every encounter you have with her. This is not her fault.

It sounds like she has a hard exterior, has a hard time being really close to people who aren't her family, and it's not your job to crack through that. Step back, realize it isn't personal, and stop being so sensitive. You sound like you're obsessing over every interaction, and that undoubtedly bleeds through in your conversations with her.

If you have talked to her about it, gently and calmly, and haven't gotten anywhere, then you need to leave her alone. Continue to be polite and welcoming, but don't get upset when she spends more time with her family than with you. You're going to have to tailor your expectations to the reality of the situation. Try to see the good in her - maybe she didn't ask you to help in the kitchen out of respect for you, so that you could relax. When she spends time with her cousin, maybe that means she feels comfortable with you in her home, instead of thinking of you as a guest.

You also need to think about your own behavior and reactions. Why should you be invited to her family reunion? How often are you at the house asking to be entertained? You sound like you're really enmeshed in your family, while she is more distant. Just accept that you have two different outlooks and give the poor girl some peace!

If she loves your son, and treats him well, and he is happy with their relationship, you should consider yourself blessed.

Answer 10

There are two sides to every story and we only know yours. The only way to find out hers is to have a discussion with her about the issue. You may have offended her in the past, and while it would have been best that she immediately told you she was upset, maybe she didn’t know how or she didn’t think any change would come from it.

See if she’ll talk to you. If she won’t talk to your son about it. Just be prepared for a hard discussion because there are likely hurt feelings on all sides.  

Answer 11

I can just share with you why I drifted away from my mother in law.  She has a multitude of demanding suggestions.  Like, how I should iron my husbands clothes at night instead of in the morning. Like, what I should shop for, cook, and when.  Like how my daughter is going to spend her summer when she got a bad grade on her report card.  Like, how my purse is too big for someone my age.  Like how my family should present ourselves based on my husbands profession.  Shall I go on?

I hope that this is not your case but if it is, you'll have to like her from a distance. And love your son always...

By the way, I still love my mother in law.  I just really can't bear the sometimes sarcastic and sometimes demanding sweet little suggestions.

As for FDIL's family, they only know what she tells them and will back her and behave the way they feel she wants them to.  Based on their behavior, the picture isn't painted very well.

Wish you the best....

Answer 12

Hi, Lori-

I've read a few of your posts now about your FDIL, and while it certainly seems that you have a rather rude young lady on your hands, I think you also need to realize that it is ultimately not up to you what kind of relationship you have with her.  If you and she were destined to become good friends and think of each other as family, it would have already happened by now.  She obviously doesn't want a relationship with you beyond the "in-law" status.  I know that must hurt, because it sounds like you've bent over backwards to try to be nice to this girl, but she has her own reasons for not wanting to let you into her life any more than she legally has to, as the future wife of your son.  Also, your son really can't do anything about it either- I'm surprised and shocked that he'd tolerate anyone, even his own fiance, to be that blatantly and consistently rude to his mother, but what's he going to do?  Order her to like you?  Force her to be your friend?  No.  

I don't know this girl or what her deal is, but it sounds to me like a lot of her rude behavior is caused by her just not having tact.  Put yourself in her place- she's young, engaged, excited, and she wants to have fun with her own friends and family.  Maybe having you there puts her outside her comfort zone, but she lacks the social graces to know that it is rude of her not to extend the invitation, so she goes with her gut and simply doesn't invite you to things.  Also, sometimes in your posts, including this one, you complain about your FDIL not including you in things that I really don't think anyone should expect their FDIL to include them in, such as when she and her cousin went upstairs to raid the closet.  Obviously that was a case of two young women having a good time trying on clothes, etc.  The fact that you are (I presume) considerably older than those girls would have put an immediate damper on their joking and fun, and they would have had to switch to "respect your elders" mode.  She should have had the etiquette to stay and chat with you for about 15 minutes or so before running off upstairs with her cousin, but you shouldn't expect her to give up the time with her cousin to sit with you for the duration of your visit.  I think you may need to reassess your boundaries and understand that she can't just drop everything when you come for one of your (sounds like) frequent visits.

As for the whole nickname thing, though, that was a very mean thing for her to say, and my ears are burning bright red with embarrassment just thinking about it!  I can't imagine ever saying such a thing to my MIL or anyone else, for that matter.  Not even people I actually honestly don't like, I couldn't bring myself to say, "Well, only my FRIENDS can call me ________."  That's just nasty.

Maybe you should give up on your relationship with her for now, and leave her alone until after the wedding is over.  Just hang out one-on-one with your son when she's busy with other people or commitments, and don't speak ill of her around him, as he'll take her side whether you're his mom or not.  Maybe once this gal has babies she'll be a little softer and nicer to be with.  

Answer 13

I really feel the only thing to do in this situation is to sit your FDIL down sometime and ask her if you've done something to offend her.  Obviously she is harboring some resentment towards you and even her family knows it (as evidenced by her entire family growing quiet when you entered the kitchen).  

Just remember that, when you speak to her, put the blame on yourself...even if you feel that isn't true.  Otherwise, she will feel as though you are attacking her and it will just make the situation worse.  So sit her down and talk to her, tell her you feel as though you may have done something that got the two of you off on the wrong foot, ask her if there is anything you can do to repair the relationship your FDIL and you have.  You may not agree with why she feels the way she does, but it is a way to start anew and hopefully have a good, working relationship with the person who is going to soon be a member of your family.

Remember, she will be raising your grandchildren!  You definitely want to be able to have a good time together.

Answer 14

Gee I don't know what to say because I have the same problem with my FDIL.  Sad but true and my son don't see it either and you don't dare say anything or she manipulates it all around and he is blind.

Answer 15

Sorry mom, but it seems to be that you are trying too hard, reading into things and taking this personally.

On all the things that you mentioned, I didn't see anything of offessive nature.

Please know that I'm certainly not defending her, but rather, making you see that things are not as bad as you think. Really.

Please take into consideration that:

-She cannot control the way YOU feel. You are entitle to your feelings and seem adenimant that she's against you somehow, although, from my point of view, nothing has been done that I would consider a slap in the face.

-Expectations. You cannot judge somebody based on YOUR expectations. Expectations will only make you miserable, neurotic and paranoid. Allow for oportunities for you to bond as opposed to things happing magically or expecting her jumping on your lap and call you mom.

-Upbringing. You said it yourself, those were other times when people used to do things a certain way, but the lady in question has a different culture and upbringing as yours. That doesn't make her a bad person, simply, different than you. Have an open mind that things can also be right on her own way.

Good luck

Answer 16

Well I'm sure you know from my Q&A's I have been in much of the same position as you.

Some young women are just disrespectful, insecure and jealous.  That's just the way it is.  It just goes to show you how she was raised being so disrespectful to you in front of her mother and she did nothing.  I guarantee you if my son would of treated his in-laws like that we would of had words.  But he was raised better.

Honestly if I had to do it all again, I would be as cordial as possible.  I would not of tried so hard to be nice and to win my fdil's heart.  It just doesn't work if they don't want it to.  I would be polite but not gone out of my way so much to try and make her like me.  Actually the turnaround in my dil's behavior happened when I stopped being so nice.  I just quit trying.  I told my son I didn't feel like I had a dil but as soon as she was ready to be family I would treat her as such.  For some reason it seems to me like these women don't realize we are moms too.  We still have the same hearts and feelings as they and their own moms have.  Just makes me wonder what they will be like when they have sons and are grown, kind of scary if you ask me.

When she is ready I hope she will open her heart to you.  It just isn't worth all of the heartache and tears.  How well I know.  

Just give it time and let it unfold.  Do what you can to keep the relationship open.  Don't discuss it with you son but keep a close relationship with him.  Try and invite them to dinner or lunch periodically but just don't force it.  

Hopefully in time she will grow to love you.  I waited for over 5 years but it was worth it.  I now have the relationship with my dil I always wanted.  

Answer 17

well I can speak from 17 years of  DIL experience! Don't try to be to involved sometimes weather its meant to be or not it appears to be intrusive. It sounds as if you have done something to make her not want to let you in. always follow these rules! Don't ever just stop by without calling first( respect there time)  Dont give advice unless asked!  give it time! DOnt be hurt if not included in her family things. Just do what you have always done with your own family and traditions and start doing new things for yourself  to make up for not being around your son as much, and stay busy! Just have fun and enjoy the times you are together. Trying to always figure out what is wrong with her or why this and that.....you will be miserable! just relax it will all workout...just follow the simple rules! hope this helps...may sound harsh but it will make a world of difference! they will want there own traditions together especially when they have a family! let them be and grow in there own relationship and give it time! If your son is a good one then he will always make time for you no matter what...but give it time!

Answer 18

Why is she so exclusive? Because she's a royal brat, that's why.

Gosh,I'm so sorry. I really don't understand how a woman marrying your son could treat you like that. I've made so many attempts to include my FMIL with everything, to make everyone feel like one family, because that's what we are (or, what we WILL be), and she should be doing the same.

Unless you've done something horrible to her in the past (which is doubtful), she should be making every effort to include you. She doesn't have to treat you like her mom, but she should be making small efforts.  I'm not even sure if there's anything you can do. Maybe a private talk with her, and you can tell  her:

"I just wanted to let you know that I want to be included in family events because I want to get you know you better. I don't expect you to think of me as a mother, but I would like for us to at least be civil friends. Can we work on that together?"

You'll probably get a response from her that goes something like, "Sure" and then she'll continue on with her horrendous behavior. But then, at least you tried.

Maybe also try talking to your son privately. Just say you really want to get to know his future wife better and have him plan a small family gathering with just the two of them, you and some family members (maybe just YOUR family at first - baby steps).

My heart goes out to you, though. It really does. There's nothing worse than two families who can't come together.