Future daughter-in-law screamed at "You're not my mom"!!!?

Question

My FDIL and I had a very rocky start and we never really recovered. As soon as my son and FDIL got engaged, she started planning and never really included me in anything. I was feeling a bit depressed about it-this is my only child getting married-and my son noticed. I assume he said something to my FDIL, because out of the blue, I got an invitation to go wedding dress shopping. I was so excited-I know how rare that is for an FMIL of the son to be invited. I have friends whose kids are getting married and the ones who have sons are rarely included on this or truthfully, any wedding stuff at all. Anyway, I met FDIL and her mother at the bridal shop. There were no smiles or anything-both were cold to me and it was clear that they thought that I was intruding on mother-daughter territory. I said nothing, merely watched as FDIL tried on dress after dress. Then I made a cardinal

mistake. I said to FDIL that she looked lovely in all the dresses and told her that there were two that I thought looked great on her and that there was one that I didn't like at all-it looked rather old fashioned. FDIL exploded on me, screaming, "I was not her mother" and to "leave her alone." She walked off in tears and retreated to a dressing room-the problem is, the wedding shop was small and I could hear her sobbing and telling her mom that she never wanted me there, felt I was ruining her wedding dress shopping, that none of her friends took their FMILs shopping, that it was just a mother/daughter thing and that she was only doing this for my son, but no more.

I was so hurt. All the sales staff stared at me. After FDIL came out of the dressing room, I excused myself and said I had to run errands. I have not heard from her since. No phone calls apologizing for her outburst. my son asked how it went and I told him to ask his fiance. I am really, really hurt. I was just hoping to play some part in all this, but I see now it is not to be.

Answer 1

she sounds like a pretty pretty princess who isn't really to get married. i don't think she understands that when you marry the man, you marry the family. i'd have a talk with her, 1:1 to talk about the relationship and how whether or not she likes you, she's stuck with you so you want to make it work........oh and i do plan on taking my FMIL dress shopping....

Answer 2

She could have had her outburst because she was holding so much back.. not necessarily about you but maybe her mom flipped a lid when your FDIL told her you were coming.. sometimes the mother of the bride can be worse than a bridezilla.. she may have gotten an earful on the way to the shop and you commenting just put her over the top.. Not that it was right that she didn't apologize or what she said but you could maybe rather than apologizing to her outright just ask if you have done something wrong to upset her .. and that you are just wanting to help so if there is anything she needs help with to let you know.  I am sure it was just a freak out I had tons of people with me dress shopping we had fun with it but I also didn't just get yelled at ( which I think she did )

Just wait for the 1st grandchild comes along and your FDIL and son decide to be alone in the delivery room!

Answer 3

I feel so badly for you that you had to be hurt like that, in front of strangers, too.  That was very poor manners on your FDIL's part, to say the very least.  Her mother should have spoken to her about it, if her daughter didn't have enough sense to see how bad and bridezilla-like her behavior was. I seriously wonder if she is even mature enough to handle the responsibilities and emotional commitment that comes with marriage. She sounds way too immature, selfish and petty to handle anything as adult as marriage. She must just want a wedding, period.  What will she do after that?  I even feel sorry for your son as he is the one who is going to have to live with that.  Okay, enough on her spoiled crybaby act.

You mentioned you got off on a rocky start. If this is not her usual behavior, then it is evident that she can't abide being in the same room as you, let alone include you in any special moments in her life.  This is going to be a really serious problem for you down the road unless you two resolve this now.  You two need to try to put your differences aside and mend fences now, before the wedding. Since she is obviously not going to budge, it looks like it's up to you to extend the olive branch.  Try asking her if you two can go out to lunch or tea or coffee or whatever else you think might work to get you two together and open up and talk.  Maybe a glass of wine would work. ; )  Whatever it takes, try, and if it doesn't, well, you will know you did everything in your power.  I know you don't want to put your son in the middle, and I don't really know what your situation with her involves, but maybe your son could help get the ball rolling for you by relating how sorry you were to have upset her so, and that you truly did not mean to interfere. You just wanted a chance to be a little closer to her.

Good luck with everything!  I hope it will still all work out for you.  Hopefully, your FDIL will outgrow her selfishness, grow up and learn some empathy and compassion.

Answer 4

Don't feel bad. She could have found another way to include you, but she decided to invite you to the dress shopping. You offered your opinion, if she didn't like it she could have handled it better. Be nice to her, but don't feel bad. She was asked to include you more, and went beyond what she was comfortable with. That is her fault, she could have just have some conversations with you about the flowers and shown you some pictures if she didn't want you there. It isn't your fault. Just be kind to her, if she is reluctant to start a relationship its her loss.

ADD: Don't apologize for going. You were invited, you had no idea that she didn't really want you there. You thought she was just warming up and being extra generous. You are not a psychic,  there is no way for you to have known that the invite was only a gesture that she did not want to to take her up on. Apologize for the comment, but don't apologize for her rudeness.

Answer 5

Wow you sound just like me.  I only have a son too.  He was married 5 years ago and it was like living through a nightmare.  It became a three ring circus put on by her and her mother.  I too was invited to go dress shopping, I was thrilled and surprised based on her past treatment of me.  I scheduled the day off work to go and meet them.  Guess what, when I told my FDIL I was able to make it she told me the plans changed and it would be a different time which I was not informed of.  I got the hint.

My husband and myself where no more than invite guests at my son's wedding.  We had 2 huge engagement parties for them, including a pig roast with a DJ and about 150 people and a beautiful rehearsal dinner.  I offered to do whatever she wanted me for as well as my husband.  We were totally dissed.  She and her mother even planned the honeymoon.  By this time my son was so sick of the c**p he didn't care anymore.  He just let it all happen.  She even controlled the time I spent with my son going to pick up the tuxes and my dress the day before.   It really was a show about her and her mom and how much money they could spend.  Yes, they have it.  This is just a small tip of the iceberg.  I took her shopping with my to look for my dress and treated her to lunch.  After picking out my dress she later told me she and my son didn't like it.  I was so upset.   I called my best friend and took her and my hubby to try it on at the bridal shop.  A close friend owns the shop and I trust her judgement.  The morning after the wedding the MOH (the wife of my son's best friend) came and asked me where my s**t dress was because the dress I wore was beautiful.  My FDIL described it to them as such.  Needless to say I was horrified.  I could go on and on.  If my son every treated his in-laws like that I would of been so upset as I see that as how he was brought up.

Personally I cannot understand a FDIL that is so thoughtless and selfcentered.   But so be it.  I can't stand all the women that say it is "their day".  That in itself is disgusting.  It is about two main people and the combining of two families.  Yes, by in-laws helped.  I welcomed my FMIL's help and so did my mom.

BUT, it is now 5 years later and I have two beautiful grandchildren.  She has grown up and changed.  She is a fantastic mother and wife and my son is happy.  Recently she apologized for her behaviour and I was stunned.  And grateful.  Everything is great now, I'm very lucky.

If I had to do it again, I would sit back and let it all unfold.  I would offer and not try so hard to be nice.  All in all the wedding is one day.  Look forward to the future.  Honestly just sit back and do what is asked and what you are responable for.  It's just not worth it trying to be nice to women like that.  In the long run they are the ones that look like fools.  I hope your story has a happy ending as mine did.  My grandchildren are of much more importance than that day of the wedding.  

Answer 6

It sounds like your son is marrying a teenager.  I'm not a mother & can't imagine your hurt right now.  Hopefully, your son gets it together & snaps this girl out of her attitude or else he moves on.  Otherwise, sounds like you're in for a bumpy ride with this family addition.

Answer 7

I understand that you feel very hurt about the situation, but don't worry about it.

You guys will soon be family and I think your future daughter In-Law should try to accept and understand how much your son cares about you. For goodness sakes he's your only son, I can understand why you would want to be apart of such a special moment in his life. The bottom line is home girl needs to realize that it's just not her wedding, its your son's wedding too and you should be apart of the planning.

I would think her mother would try to speak to her and make her realize how immature she is behaving. She should apologize to you because the way she behaved at the bridal stores wasn't appropriate behavior.

I really do hope that things work out between you too and I wouldn't let her immature behavior keep you down. You need to support you son on his big and that's all that matter. if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you then that's her lost.

My fiance's mother didn't like me in the beginning either and I felt the same way about her too but it wasn't until my fiance' went away that we really connected because she finally realized that I truly loved her son, It was something that brought us closer.Now we talk all the time and she always calls me.

Just give it some time and things will work it's way out, just continue to be nice and let her see that you will not stoop to her level.

Answer 8

she just misses her old mom

Answer 9

Wow, that was incredibly horrible of your son's fiance. If she didn't want you there, she shouldn't have invited you. She could have included you in other aspects of the wedding planning instead.

You did nothing wrong by giving your opinion. If someone invited me to go dress shopping with them, I'd naturally assume they wanted me there as a second (or third) opinion.

I think she really needs to apologize to you because she was incredibly rude and it was totally uncalled for.

Answer 10

I'm sorry about her outburst, it appears that it was really uncalled for.

You said that you guys got off to a rocky start, well perhaps due to that, she doesn't really want you involved because she feels uncomfortable around you.  I would just continue to offer support to your son, do what you can, and stay out of things you aren't asked about.

I tried to include my future-mother-in-law in the beginning, but she became so overbearing and obsessive that she started to butt into my mom's job as mother-of-the-bride and it was really hurting my mother's feelings.  Maybe her mother is worried about that as well and is putting that pressure on her daughter?  My FMIL also started to drive me insane, which is why I will no longer include her.

You must remember, as sad as it may make you, that you aren't her mother, and you aren't the mother of the bride.  If your future-daughter-in-law has control of the wedding plans, and your son doesn't want to step in on your behalf, you need to just let it go.

If you are paying, however, scratch her eyes out...you should get to decide how she spends your money.

Answer 11

She should have made it clear in the beginning to your son that mother in laws don't really get to do much planning other than the rehearsal dinner.  I know because I am the mother of 3 married sons.  I asked in the beginning if there was anything that I could do to help with any of the planning and was told in all cases what was expected.  Dress shopping is really for the mother and daughter and sometimes the maid of honor.  You should be the bigger person here if you want to save any future relationship with her and let her know you were really sorry that you went and that you just wanted to be included in some small way.  let her know that in know way did you want to ruin her day and you were truly sorry for it.  If she is any kind of a person she will welcome you with open arms and try to build some sort of relationship with you.  Good Luck!

Answer 12

Let them ask you for your advise.If they don't,Let it be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Betty Bryan

Answer 13

Okay, as a daughter with a Mom who has a boyfriend I don't care for, I can see her side. That said, she's being a raging lunatic. There are things you keep to yourself, and times when you bite your tongue to be a decent human being, and she's done none of those things.

There have been many occasions where I have bitten my tongue when my mom's boyfriend has said some things that have been out of line, and I was hurt by them, but running away crying ain't gonna solve anything! I usually calmly discuss it with my mom, and she takes care of it, and the boyfriend and I are fine again.

If I were you, I would call her up, and calmly apologize (even though she should be apologizing first), and say, "The last thing I want to do is ruin any of your wedding day preparations. How about we come to an agreement now on how much you;d like me to be involved, and I'll respect your wishes. I would like to be a part of your wedding, but I would understand if it was too much for you."

You would be the bigger person, and then you could potentially bypass all the outbursts in the future. Maybe try on tuxes with the groom ... say that's something you'd like to be involved with.

But I dunno. I feel horrible that you have such an emotional DIL. My FMIL is the greatest woman, and I love all my inlaws, and it's been a joy to have them help us plan our wedding. I wish it could go as easily for you, because you deserve the respect.

Answer 14

Okay, I understand that you want to be involved. But really this was the wrong thing to start with. Especially if the two of you had a strained relationship to start off with. She's not going to apologize for her outburst, because from her point of view you are the one that was wrong. And she's at least partially right.

You need to be the adult here. You send her a note, apologize for butting into something that is traditionally between mother and daughter. Explain you didn't mean to intrude, you were just excited to be included. Offer to help in any capacity she wants, but stay out unless invited. And talk to your son, tell him you appreciate the effort on his part, but you need to have a natural relationship with his bride, even if it takes longer.

I know it's difficult to sit on the side lines while your son's wedding is being planned. But you know the wedding day is mostly about the bride. And she may have a very specific dream she's working towards. So respect that and just be supportive.

Good luck.

Answer 15

So sorry for what has happened!

I also would like to be a part of my sons wedding

planning (not even engaged yet) as the planning

of our daughters wedding was so much fun!

You will have to back off and maybe apologize for

being there, as you thought it was her wish that you

be there?  Maybe once she sees that you meant no

harm she will include you in future planning?

Answer 16

I'm sorry for your experience. No offense, but your future daughter-in-law sounds horrible. I don't know about it being a mother/daughter thing - I happily invited my future mother-in-law and future sister-in-law along with my mom because I realize that, while I'm getting married, it's everyone's wedding.

Sadly, I would say to leave her alone and see if there are things you and your son can do. Can you go help him pick out tuxes? Are you allowed to plan the rehearsal dinner? Enjoy what you can and let the "Bride" be a brat.

Answer 17

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Is this your FDIL? If not she has a cosmic twin! Wow!

I am appalled that her mother did not insist she stop the tantrum and apologize to you, and that the mother made no attempt to be warm to you. I know wedding planning can be stressful but really, even on Yahoo Answers, I have rarely heard of anything so childish and rude.

I think for the long term you should agree to get past it and after a week or two (if she does not come to you first) you should send her a card, swallowing your embarrassment and saying something like this:

Dear Veronica;

I do want to apologize if I was intrusive when we went wedding dress shopping together. I honestly would rather you had told me directly that it was something you wanted to share only with your mother. I would understand and still do.

What I don't want is for one day to come between us over the long term. Can we agree to move forward and forget the whole misunderstanding? Yes, I would like to be included but as you get to know me you will realize I would never force myself on a situation where I was not invited.

I would like to have you and Archie over for dinner sometime next week. Will you give me a call and let me know what day works best for you? I was thinking of Thursday night about 5:30.

Welcome to the family, Veronica.

Fondly,

Betty

Answer 18

how strange that they asked you but didn't really want you there...dont let it worry you

Answer 19

I understand that you are hurt.  I don't understand this Bridezilla attitude.  Just try to chalk it up to pre- wedding jitters (even tho i think she was just being a spoiled brat).  But she is going to be ur son's wife.  You need to accept her as she is.  My MIL was a horrible witch and made me feel bad by just walking in the room.  I have sworn to myself that no matter how retched of a person my son brought home, if he loved her, she would never know that i didn't.  Kill her with kindness.  Then after she leaves go beat up a pillow.  Do it for your son's sake.  Maybe you will be lucky and she will eventually recognize ur kindness and come around.

Answer 20

I would invite your son and fdil over to talk this out.  Have an open discussion and clear the air.  Tell her that while you did not want to intrude on the dress shopping, she needs to understnad that this is your only son, and you wanted to be involved with the wedding.  Make sure your son is there though, as this way she cant go back to him and lie about things.  

She will be in your family for a long time and you dont want to start off with things on a bad note.  

Be the bigger person here, as much as she was wrong for acting llike a child, step up to the plate and take the first step to settle things.

Good Luck!!

Answer 21

That's terrible. Some girls are in it only for the wedding. I would talk to her and just say that you want to have a relationship with her.

Shame on her.

Answer 22

I'm so sad of the story. I really felt bad about what your FDIL did.  She is really horible but anyway, I understand you just want to be a part of the wedding plan. That they don't understand and feel.  Well at least, you have seen what attitude you must be into when you will have future grandchildren.  If you can ignore that situation just do it for the sake of your son's wedding.  But this is the only first and last that you should do that.  Second time she will do horrible attitude must talk to her right away but in a descent manner so she will realise that her mother in law is a good mother of her husband.  It's hard but you see I can see FDIL more horrible, in the end because of the goodness of the mother in law wow they love each other more.  

Answer 23

Whats done is done... Maybe you start to build a new relationship with her... Schedule a girls day get a pedi, go shoppng or do a lunch just the two of you. Talk to her. Tell her that you want her involved in your life & the same for you being in hers, that you two will be family and you should get along. I luckily go long reat with my mil, until this past year, we have had some rocky situations occur, I try to forgive, although I dont alwayys forget. I try to be nice when we are together for family peace. My husnabd and I have been together 13 years.  

Answer 24

She sounds WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too young and immature to be getting married, sorry. Tell your son that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Answer 25

Realizing I'm only get part of the story here, your son should SERIOUSLY consider if he wants to spend his life with a woman who acts like this and in a family who thinks it is ok.

If anyone ever treated my mother like that...it would be over......

That said, if she didn't want you there, she shouldn't have asked you.  I went dress shopping with my mom alone, and then when I picked it out, we invited my husband's mom to come and check it out.  She was shocked and thrilled.

I loved my husband enough to marry him and have his children.  How could I be so mean to his mother?

If my daughter acted like that, I'd be mortified...her mother was just as awful....nice family your son is getting into.

I'd back off, sorry, it is the bride's gig....if your son isn't man enough to stand up and say you will not treat my mother this way, it looks like you're stuck.

Just bite your lip.

Answer 26

aww I'm sorry she's being so childish. honeslty she needs to grow the h**l up if she is planning on getting married to your son.  Obviously, you can't say that to her.  try to offer your son some help.  If he is incharge of decorations help him wth those. I think it's very unfair for anyone not to invite the future mother in law. I mean you WILL be family and if my fiance's mom was still alive i'd invite her in a second, whether we got along or not. She only has boys and will never get to do that.

Honestly, her mother is even worse than she is. both are being INSANELY selfish, childish and uhhh. I should stop now before I call them something that will get my answer deleted. lol.  But none of this is your fault, I am so sorry this is happening and I am so angry at her (and I don't even know you guys. lol)

And this isn't even bridzilla.  This is childish.  I'm willing to bet my yahoo answers account (which I love to death. lol) that she got everything she ever wanted as a child and probably still does from her parents.

Answer 27

You have to put yourself in her shoes...She is getting married and is more than stressed, this cause strange behavior.  This is something that should just be let go, she will after the wedding look back and see how she treated people and feel like crude.  Most people do not include the in laws, heck i didn't and would have preferred my mother to back off to.  This is an emotional time for all, just sit back and enjoy.  Your son probably told her to include you in the dress part, she did, it went bad, its done and over with.  

Just be happy for your son.  

Answer 28

How terrible. Your FDIL sounds very, VERY immature. I invited my fiance's mom to go dress shopping with me and my mom and we all had a great time. My FMIL is very opinionated and told me if she liked or disliked every dress I tried on and it didn't bother me one bit. I never imagined it could be such a terrible experience for FMIL and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

I do think you should be more upfront with your son and let him know exactly what happened and how badly your feelings were hurt. My fiance is a mama's boy and if I ever treated her that way he wouldn't let me hear the end of it! Then I think you should try and have a heart to heart with your FDIL. Just be honest and tell her that lots of brides include their FMIL's in wedding planning because they want to. If she doesn't want to include you that's ok and you aren't going to force her to - but you still want to be treated with some consideration for your feelings, just like she would any family member. Good luck.

Answer 29

I think you should write her a letter saying that you wish to have a great relationship with her following the rocky start as your son is very important to her. REALLY LAY THE GUILT ON THICK, tell her that you never meant to intrude on her day, and if she didn't want you there, which she made so plainly clear then she should not have invited you. Tell her you were excited at the prospect of spending the day with someone your son regards so highly and you are sad to think that she hated spending time with you so much. Tell her that you were extremely saddened by her outburts at you and devastated that she could hold so much hate for you after you only offered one constructive comment.

Honestly, I think if you are tactful but make her feel bad then she'll apologise. And I wouldn't accept anything less than an apology.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 30

What a brat!  She certainly sounds like a ***** to me.  I'm sorry that you are not gaining a nice daughter in law here, but maybe she'll grow up a bit after a few years of marriage.  Sometimes kids marry people and we just can't figure out what they see in them.  My nephew is currently planning his wedding with a girl that is a spoiled little shrew the whole family can't stand.  We try to grit our teeth and smile at her and ignore her regular temper tantrums, but we call each other a lot and wail and moan, "Why HER?!"

I'm fortunate enough to have a great relationship with my mother-in-law since I had to leave my mother behind when I married him and moved away from Canada to Florida.  She was like another mom to me and we used to go shopping together and go out for lunch and had some good times.  I think your FDIL needs to a lot more growing up.

In the meantime just do as some of the other answerers have suggested to keep the peace - grit your teeth and smile and apologize to her for whatever you did to "spoil" her wedding dress shopping and ask if there is anything else you can do to help with the wedding preparations that won't be an intrusion.  Try to gently remind her that you are going to be part of her family now for a lot of years and while you may not be her mom you are going to be her future children's grandmother.  She's going to have to start tolerating you a little better at the very least.  The kind of rudeness she's been dishing out is a bit too much.

Answer 31

Simple! Spoiled Rotten Brat. She does it because she is allowed to do it.