Future mother-in-law "devastated" that her son & I are not staying with her when we attend a family wedding

Question

FH & I are going to his cousin's wedding in his hometown. For my own sanity, I can't stay w/his folks. One, I have never liked to stay overnight in anyone's home other than my own or my parents, two, I need refuge from the soon to be in-laws and their never ending barrage of personal questions that they like to ask. DH's nosy mother thinks my relationship w/her son is her business, when the fact is my relationship & life with her son is NONE of her business. She's whined before that I don't give enough personal info & she's left out. Then FH has 3 sisters, who love to interrogate me too. When FMIL found out we weren't staying w/her, she said she was "devastated" that she never gets time with her son & that she doesn't get to spend "couple time" (who's she kidding?) with us, as I'm never home when she visits. She says before I was in the picture, DH would never stay in a hotel & she says when we visit my folks, we stay with them. d**n right, my parents don' t ask 50 million questions

Answer 1

Ugh, that sucks...I don't like to stay at my FH's family's house either, but luckily they have a cat and I'm terribly allergic, so that's my out!!  

It sounds like your FMIL is a little clingy and maybe just wants to form a special bond with you but is going about it in the wrong way.  Some people don't realize that there's a fine line between caring and obnoxious.  Maybe if you opened up just a little more and threw her little crumbs of info about you and your FH's life together, she'd back off.  You might just naturally be a bit more reserved than she is, and she could be mistaking your private nature as being stand-offish, shich compels her to butt in even more.  Try calling her once a week to chat for a few minutes about what's going on in your lives, or maybe discussing some wedding plans with her, and she'll probably quit it with the interrogation.  I used to think my FMIL was grilling me too, but then I realized that she just wants to be in the loop and doesn't know how to do that without it sounding like the third degree.

Oh, and about staying at their house- I know it sucks to stay at other people's houses, but you may have to suck it up every once in a while and stay over.

Answer 2

I am so grateful that my future in laws are great! I can kind of see why it would hurt her feelings. She misses her son and probably wants to spend time with him and you. If you have some where to sleep then I would just stay with them. Its compromising! That's what marriage is about!

Answer 3

And who's being whinny?  You are wrong, wrong, wrong.  You are her daughter-in-law and she does have a right to know about you both.  How typical, another daughter-in-law who it's all OK to be involved in your family but not his.

Of course your family doesn't ask you so many questions, they already know the answers.

You have had issues with her from the get go.  You are not even giving her a chance.  She deserves the same treatment as your own mother.  

You sound selfish and immature and I feel very sorry for her and your hubby.  Believe me, if you don't soften up a bit and let her in your lives you will lose!

EDIT:  If you look at any of bashful brides other questions she has already stated she "hates" her mother-in-law.  No apparent realistic reason.  That in it self is sad!

For all the daughter-in-laws that think the mil has no right to know what is going on in their lives how about this...hubby is entitled to have just as close relationship with his parents as she does.  He is just as entitled to share info with his mom as she is.  Don't you think he would be more comfortable  staying with his own parents?  Once again, typical it's all about the wife.  The heck with hubby's parents.  Sorry but they have the same rights as wifey's parents.  It's either none or all.  I really hope a lot of you never have sons.  You do realize you will have to give them up and don't expect them to be part of your lives any more because the wife and her family have all the rights.

Answer 4

I'm greatful that I love my MIL and I love going over to spend time with the family. I couldn't imagine having it any other way.

I think you should humor her. Save some money and stay with the inlaws...but i do agree that really the relationship is none of her business...

Answer 5

Sorry bashful bride, but when you marry the man....you get the whole family too!!

What do you mean by his sisters "interrogate" you.  Do they ask personal questions?  Tell them...."it's none of your business."  OR....are they simply trying to get to know you better?  How in the world do you find out about someone unless you ask them questions?  I do it all the time and I have never felt that I was interrogating someone!  Most people like to be asked....where they work....where they grew up....what their hobbies are.  Geez....lighten up!

To be honest, I would stay with them.  You don't say in any portion of your question how your fiance feels about this.  Remember....it's HIS family.  Don't alienate them and don't try to put a wedge between him and his family.  It sounds to me like he has a very caring mother and sisters.  What's wrong with that?

Answer 6

Her opinion doesn't matter. Her idea of devastated is really immature.... sounds like to me that is her only son, and she wants to keep him to herself as long as possible. Time for her to cut the apron strings. TG my in-laws don't call that often.... Although come to think about it.. ONLY time they call is when they want money... I told hubby NO more... we can't afford to bank roll their life anymore. Seems to me that it's time for your fmil to grow up, and let her GROWN son lead his life...

Next time they ask a nosy question, Just be very polite, and change the subject. if they persist, just be firm and tell them that your private life is none of their business.

good luck to you. ;)

Answer 7

Sorry but I think you should be at least putting an effort in to stay with his family if you are in town... regardless of what she is like (unless she is verbally abusive or violent) she is still his mother and always will be.

Answer 8

Wow sounds like a very entertaining movie to be honest! lol. It's very typical though. I would understand your FH's mother wanting to ask some questions and get to know her FDIL, but I also understand that I'm sure these questions are way too personal.

I know it's hard to stay with your in-law's during this time, but it's also unfair to your FMIL because whenever you go to your parents house, you and your FH stay there no problem. So of course she's not going to like that you can stay there with him, but not at her house with them.

You have to come up with a solution on what you want to do, deal with her for a couple of days to spend time with her (yes, not going to be much fun, but it's worth not having to be bothered about it) or not stay there, and be bothered about it every day for the rest of your life.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Is she right? Does she not get time with her son? Does he typically stay at home? How does he feel about this. If my finace told me we couldnt stay at my parents house bc of whatever reason I would suggest he rent a hotel for one. Its a weekend, I am sure you can survive. I am assuming you live o ut of town, the fact that she wants to make time for you and spend time with her son and his fiance is a good thing, not a bad thing. Hes not just your FH, hes also her son and I can see why she is hurt.

Answer 10

I'm not sure if you are actually asking a question, but tell her to get over it and move on.  She's being a whiny child.

Answer 11

Stay in the hotel, and continue to let it all roll right off your back.  You are handling the situation very very well.  And, get used to it -- the attempts to manipulate with guilt get worse.  Oh, and even worse when you start a family.

Answer 12

I'm in a similar situation... I fully understand what you're going through, though my FFIL is not inquisitive at all, he's just rude.  He says what he's thinking regardless of if it's hurtful to me or not.  Anyway, we're getting married in August.  He called my FH and TOLD him that he's staying with us for two days before the wedding.  First of all, it's MY house and I was not asked if he (along with 2 teenagers) could stay.  Secondly, my house is very small and it's difficult to manuver with more than two or three people.  Thirdly, it's going to be two days before my first and only wedding.  I'm going to be stressed out and frantic and I DON'T need his input in everything, which he loves to give.  He'd be questioning our every move.  So, I do understand what you're going through.  It's hard.   I will say that my FH is very good at intervening when his dad gets started.  I'm just on my own when my FH is not around.

You've made the best move by staying in a hotel.  Just make a point to spend time with the inlaws.  Tell your FH that he needs to step in if his mom gets too inquisitive.  It's his job to handle it, not yours.  Make her feel loved and make him keep her off your back.  Best of luck to you!

Answer 13

I'm so sorry you are going through this.i would say split up the time.if you are going there for 4 days spend 2 with them and 2 in a hotel.i can understand with her about you guys staying with your parents and not her.maybe you can have his mom and him spend a night together alone like just the two of them go to dinner.that is her son and sometimes moms feel like a women is taking there baby away from them.they haven't cut the cord yet.your hubby might actually be a little hurt that you don't want to stay with them but doesn't say anything cause he wants you to be happy.i do believe that your business and is only your business.i would try to find a tactful way to answer there questions maybe turn it in something funny or just say excuse me and go get some water or pretend to go to the bathroom.more important before you go tell your hubby that they make you feel uncomfortable and he should talk to them about there comments.

Answer 14

I completely understand where your coming from. Starting a marriage is hard and in 5 weeks I get married. I love my parents I do but they are VERY nosy when it comes to our personal life.

They ask about birth control, and our finances, children to be etc. It's very embarrassing and bothersome to my fiance and to me. Each Christmas, we travel from our Home here in Michigan to Pittsburgh..its a 5 hour ride and before my husband, I traveled with them in the family mini van. Last Christmas, my brother just got married, so Him, and his wife, Myself and My fiance and my parents traveled in the family van. That was the longest 5 hours of my life...The questions just kept coming..which I felt was none of there business...Last weekend, My fiance and I traveled ALONE when we had to go to Pittsburgh for a family function. Yes it was expensive on gas..But I would of paid double just to not of listened to there babbling for hours....Stick to your guns. You will be happier.

Answer 15

Have you ever known a couple that get a divorce because after years of avoiding the in-laws and spending more time with her family, the husband wises up and puts his foot down?

This will happen to your marriage when your man realizes that you are being unfair towards his family.

NOBODY is COMFORTABLE sleeping in a strange bed!

Poor excuses will only get you a few years, and the WHOLE time his family will be bad-mouthing you and making him think twice.

Nip this is the bud if you love him deeply.

IT'S CALLED A SACRIFICE.

That's the opposite of selfish and self-centered.

Answer 16

i dont really get it. i dont understand if you were just trying to tell us a story? or if you were asking a question?

Answer 17

I agree that it is not fair to your FMIL that you stay with your family when you visit them and not hers.

Suck it up buttercup and do your "wifely duties" and spend time with his family.

You never know, you might just like them if you give them a chance.

PS talk to you FH about how uncomfortable her comments and questions are and tell him that he needs to say something to his family about it PRONTO!

Answer 18

You are marrying the wrong man.  You should be getting along with his family.  I hope he knows how you really feel about them so that he can make a decision whether or not he really wants to be with you.  It sounds like he comes from a tight knit family and having you in his life will ruin that.  If I were him, I would not marry you.  If I were his mother, I would not want him marrying you.  If I was his sister, I would knock some sense into him.

It's called being an adult.  Learn what to deal with and how to deal with it effectively.

Answer 19

Too bad if she is devastated.  She'll live to butt in again.  I don't see how she can't spend time with her son. It's not like he can't visit her without you.  Sounds to me that she will be crabby and bossy no matter what you do.   Keep the spine girl!

Contrary to other posters, you have no requirement to stay at family members homes. I wouldn't stay at my brother's home for any reason.  I think it's best, if you don't have a close relationship, to stay in a motel/hotel and visit at your leisure.  You can then escape when the going gets too outrageous.  I get along very well with my bf's mother and her husband.  Not a chance his father and stepmother will ever stay with us, however, or visa versa.

Answer 20

Time to be totally honest with her....

tell her that the reason you stay with you family & not hers is that your family do NOT ask very personal questions....your family treats you both as adults where it comes to your personal, private lives and accepts any info you are willing to share, but they DO draw the line where it comes to very prying questions......and she, her daughters too, don't draw a line......

yes, he is her son and yes, you will be a her DIL soon but that doesn't give any family member the right to know every intimate detail of your lives......so if they want some 'couples' time...and quite frankly that's a new expression to me, then they need to stop at that line and stop asking such personal questions....

...and until they all over there learn where the line is, you will have to put up with 50 million questions.....if you choose not to answer because it's too personal, just tell them "I'm sorry,we are adults with a right to a private life, and I do find that question too personal,even my own mother doesn't ask that, so I will refrain from answering'.

I know it's a pain, but if they hear that enough from you, they will learn.....avoiding them tho, will cause more trouble than a polite refusal to ask too personal a question, lol sometimes the in-laws need boundaries clearly drawn for them....

...and if after all your efforts don't work, then spend some 'couples time' with them, refrain from answering what you consider too intrusive a question by telling them it is too intrusive a question....and insist apon your right as adults in an adult relationship to have a private life and privacy (hotel room).........and a tip......SOME of your life with her son is her business, but NOT ALL....decide what is her business and let her know that info but first make sure it truely is too private for her to know and that you aren't starving her from knowing anything about her son's life with you......good luck.

Answer 21

First of all, Lindy Lou, the FMIL is not the girl's mother, so of course she won't treat her the same, especially since this woman is the typical, nosy,overbearing mother in law. And no, the mother in law does not have the "right" to any info about the FDIL and her son. That is THEIR business. Secondly, of course the FDIL will be more involved with her family and share info with them instead of her in-laws, who are a bunch of nosy strangers. I pity this poor girl who has to deal with a gaggle of judgemental sisters as well. Lastly, of course the girl will stay with her family when she visits-what is wrong with that. She is comfortable there.