(GOT JOKES?) do you have funny jokes to share.?

Question

the funniest jokes win.

Answer 1

that is pathetic.

Answer 2

Womens rights.... hahahahahahahha

Answer 3

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness.

Answer 4

A lady ate a big bag of grapes one day. That night when she went to bed her but*t got turned around to where her head was on the pillow. Her husband said "Myrtle turn over your breath stinks." She could not hear him since her head was down where her feet were supposed to be. The man said it again "Myrtle turn your head your breath stinks!" Still nothing . So he decided he had to turn her over himself he could not stand the bad smell. He tried to push her over. Next the man yelled "Kids! Wake up! Help! I have knocked your mama'a eye out!"

Answer 5

(not mine but was going around work. very funny)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.



Here's what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards

he holds prisoner in his room.



"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad . Can you help?"



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.



"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"



"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."



"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"



I was equally outraged.



"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.



"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)



"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded

her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).



"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.



"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.



"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"

I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.."



"Oh, gross!" they shrieked



"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.



"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.



"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.



"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.



"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.



"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)



"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.



"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.



"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.



"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.



"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.



"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .

.

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . m********e. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.



We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.



More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.



"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. "It's just.that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its ... . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.



"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.



"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ," he told me.



"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



Two lizards: $140.



One cage: $50.



Trip to the vet: $30.



Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:



              Priceless!



Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.



Lizards lay eggs!

Answer 6

I admit i took this from some magazine

So a pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper

the bartender asks "whats with the wheel"

the pirate replies "YAR! its driving me nuts" :D XD

Answer 7

Well it's one I made earlier but:

A genius is on a plane and he happens to be sat next to a "dumb blond". She is tired and just wants to sleep but he wants to play quizzes. He tells her that, if he cannot answer one of her questions he will give her a £1,000 but if she cannot answer his question she will only have to give him £1.

After much nagging she eventually agrees and she asks

"What goes up a hill with two legs but comes down with three?"

He gets out his laptop and goes on the net. He phones friends. He rack his brains and, finally concedes and gives the blond £1,000.

"OK" he asks "what does go up a hill with two legs and comes back down with three?"

The blonde gives him £1 and goes back to sleep.

Answer 8

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

Answer 9

Obama as president.... haha  

Answer 10

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Answer 11

One day in church a preacher was chastising a young woman, who was pregnant and not married, the preacher wanted  to know who the father was, the girl answered no one I had s*x with a ghost, the preacher was incredulous and asked the whole congregation, who here has ever had s*x with a ghost, one old man in the back stood up and said I did, the preacher said again to him, you had s*x with a ghost, oh you said ghost no, I thought you said goat.

Answer 12

Suicide   ---    2 Lovers plan to suicide.

Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.

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A gorgeous girl walks up 2 a  a professor's cabin and says I  will do anything 2 pass in the exam.

Professor: anything ! ?

Girl: ya

Prof: open your books and study.

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May God increase ur happiness like prices of petrol,

And decrease sorrows like clothes of Bipasha Basu

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Teacher: (1)There is a frog, (2)Ship is sinking, (3)potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?

STUDENT: 32 yrs.

Teacher: How do you know?

STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Answer 13

Little Johny Wants to Get Married?

One day Lil Jony says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johny: Yes , Gradma

Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?

Johny: Why not? You married my mother.