GRRR! Problems with my roomate have led me to write her a letter. Should I give it to her?

Question

I understand all stories have two sides so I can take my responsibility for my wrongs, but the huge problem is I live with a "double standards" Queen! Everything she complains about, from not doing the dishes right away, to leaving lights on when you leave-she does not do! And then complains about these things to me! Also, she has two cats and a puppy (all of which I love and don't mind helping with) that pees and poops in the house that I help her clean up after. I'm not comlaining about helping her and I don't even care if she helps me out, I just don't want to be mothered!!!! This is pretty much what I wrote in the letter and I'm thinking I should wait until I'm not so pissed off (what set me off is her putting our thermostat back up to 77 degrees after we discussed that we would leave it at 76-I live in FL and on the second floor so when it's comfortable downstairs, it's like an oven upstairs).

Answer 1

You definitely need to talk about these issues with her. And she may become defensive and self righteous. And definitely bring up cleaning up after the puppy. You may say you don't care about it, but as a pet owner, SHE is the one who should be doing this, not you. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Don't be some passive aggressive p*ssy, tell her yourself and forget the letter.

Yeah she sounds like a b*tch and you should put her in her place, but a letter isn't the way to do it.

Answer 3

take the letter and  make it into a list of rules that you would like to discuss with her about your living arrangement.  Keep the letter to yourself.  a conversation is easier to control how your being interpreted. a letter is open to her interpretation.  Try talking with her out in public at a coffee shop so she has to keep her cool.

Work on it together so that you both can feel that you are being heard and respected.

if she won't cooperate, tell her that you will be moving out as soon as you find a new roommate.  

life is too short to live with someone who is so inconsiderate

Answer 4

Writing is a good way to get out your feelings, but I think you should TALK to her about these issues.  If nothing is resolved, you may want to switch roommates.

Answer 5

Yes, wait to give it to her. In fact, don't give it to her; if you wouldn't want to say it to her face, keep it to yourself. Writing the letter helped focus your mind on the issues. Wait until you've cooled down and then ask her to sit down with you to calmly discuss the situation. If you're upset because she turned the thermostat up one degree, you are too mad to talk rationally.

Answer 6

NO!    NO NO NO NO NO!  And here is why...letter was a fantastic idea!  So cleansing, so cathartic.  Also helps you organize your thoughts...BUT once you hand it over (as opposed to burning it) it's out there FOREVER!  it doesn't even matter what the roomate did!  it could be something careless and disrespectful (like yours) or worse!  If you write it down and hand it over, you are all of the sudden the bad guy, or you are overreacting, or you're being a baby (I don't think these things about you...what I'm saying is, your roomate, even after ytou make up, could potentially take the letter out and read it OVER AND OVER...she could read into it meaning that isn't there,,,she could show it to her friends and they could say OH MY GOSH!! HOW RUDE!  If you SAY what's in the letter, it's much less open to interpretation...and you can say a lot of harsh things with a sweet delivery and they are MUCH easier to swallow,,,,

Answer 7

Discuss the House Rules which should have been in print before you became room-mates .. there are many!  The main rules should have to do with cleanliness and neatness (for me, anyway).  See link for an Agreement form with links to additional info'.

Before you discuss this with her, keep track of time spent looking after the Kidz and put Rules for Pets on your discussion page.  One rule is they be trained - cats, instinctively, are clean and when brought into a "new" household, will search for a litter box.  Puppy needs to be walked.  It is unsanitary to have animal f***s on carpet, etc. - she sounds like Ms. Bossy Super-Slob to me so I would have been gone after a week.

Answer 8

yes, but you should have her read it in front of you... and talk it out with her.

Answer 9

Use the letter as a starting point for some serious discussion-after your temper has subsided some. Deal with each issue one at a time, talking it out untill you reach a decision about how to deal with each. Write the decision down. If the issue arises again, you can then right at the time say"I thought we had decided to do such and such..."

Answer 10

I think you should take the written letter as an expression of your anger and a way of letting it out so that you're not holding it all inside.  But then destroy it.  Once you write something down, you can never take it back.  It's always right there in black and white.  I would wait until I calmed down and then have a discussion with the roommate, calmly and without screaming and yelling or blaming her for everything, and just try to get some living rules set up so that neither of you feel used by the other.