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please help me to fix this essay.... iam desperate

The Bear Valley Road

When I got pulled over on Bear Valley Road it was the end of the world to me. The day I chose Bear Valley Road that choice messed my life up. That day was unforgettable to me, the year was 2005 in the beginning of my junior year. In beginning of my junior my friends and I decided to go the part and hang out. After we stayed few hours at a party we decide leave. When my friends and I attend parties we take turn who would drive home and they must not drink during a party. It was Gabes turn to drive us home, from the last experience I knew that Gabe won’t be able to resist when he’ll see a beer can and he well drink like a hours. There it was I had to drive them home since Gabe had a good time and drank over the limit and he wasn’t in condition to drive. I took all of my drunk friends and sited them in my car. I started driving down the Bear Valley Road I drove faster than speed limit posted on the road. A cop came out of nowhere, he turned on his siren and pulled me over to the side of the road. I learned that simple choice like going faster then speed limit can change your life, from that day I lost my permit, car money and didn’t hang out with all of my friends for a long a long time.

When cop pulled me over on Bear Valley he didn’t say anything not even a jolt. We stayed in the car more than thirty minuets, than two more police cars come up behind other cop like a last final puzzle piece. Cop that pulled me over he went out of his car and came up to my window, he leaned against my car. When the cop was in my window asking me for my driving license, registration, and insurance. At that time I didn’t had driving license and insurance only permit, so that’s what I handed to him. The police man had an evil laughed and said,

The police man asked, “Are you being funny or jest stupid where’s your documents?”

I pretended looking for the documents, “I don’t have them with me, I think I left it at home.”

His tone changed right away, “Put your hands were I can see them.”

I putted my hand on my steering wheel, “OK.”

He glanced at everyone in the car, “Everyone step out of the vehicle.”

He was holding on to his gun or teaser gun, “Put your hands on the front of your car and spread your legs.”

All of my friends including me stepped out of the car, we did whatever he had asked us for (putted our hands on the vehicle and spread our legs). Two of the cops started patching us down like we were some kind of animals.

When I was pulled over on Bear Valley Road cop was going threw my car like a pile of trash. After cop finished his checking he found a pocket knife under my seat, but the knife cop found in my car wasn’t mine. When we got pulled over by the cops Keith decided to throw his knife under my seat . Cop got really suspicious when he found a knife in my car, he decide to patched us over again. Cop started asking us if we been drinking and he didn’t got any answer from us, Cop looked at us and replied, “All of u guys look like your under influence? So, he made us do weird DUI test and rest of police man were laughing there butts off. Only I passed the DUI test since I didn’t drank at that party that we had been to. Then cop become angry and said to me with the deep angry voice, “your going to take DWI breath test.” I passed DWI breath test from the first time that mouth peace tasted like an old rubber, he started yelling at me saying that I didn’t do the breath test right. He made me do DWI breath test over and over again, every time I passed DWI breath test it made him completely out of his mind. He was yelling at my face like he was try to reach me across the block. He realized that there no point yelling at me or rechecking my DWI level since my test is not going to change and that made him angry, then he took off the mouth peace out of the DWI breath tester and threw it against my car. He looked like he was going mad, when he went back into his car he drove off like a mad crazy driver burning his tires.

Crazy cop got in his car and left, when he left there were two more police cars standing behind my car. Few minuets letter one of the cops got out of his car and walked torts me, when he got to me he handcuffed me. When he handcuffed me he gave he my rights speech, the only thing I remember from his speech that it was long. Cop took me to the police department, he told me that his going to try and contact my parents. I sat at police station for two hours and nothing happened, cop didn’t seem to realize that I was sitting a waiting for some kind of explanation or charges. After four hours had passed my parents finely showed up and first thing they said was that they jest got the message and they came right away, it was around four a clock in the morning. Cop took us into one of the offices and explained all of my charges. Just by listening to those charges I felt my ears melting away , my legs felt like sponge crashing underneath me. Cop started naming all of my charges; driving group of people in my car when I had just a permit, speeding, reckless driving, not cooperating with police man, possession of the a weapon, and the fine for more than 1000 dollars.

When I had drove down Bear Valley Road its last thing I’m going drove on for more than two years I thought. I wont forget that day until I would wake up and its all be a dream, to bad it not a dream but how bad I want this to be a dream. It was beginning of my Junior year when my friend and I decided to go to a party, after the Party my friends were drunk and it was up to me to get them home safely. Gabe, Kieth, and John were not in condition to be driving any sort of a transportation. I took my friends and they got in back of my car. I choused to drive this time down Bear Valley Road because it was shorter way to get Gabes home. I drove 75 mph on Bear Valley Road to get faster to Gabes house, when it was jest 55 mph. Suddenly a police car came out of nowhere and pulled me over on Bear Valley Road. That one choose going faster than posted speed limit just killed me. That choice had lead me to loosing my permit, my car, my money, and not seeing my friends for a long time . I learned from my mistakes that if we try to make short cuts they not necessarily going to be short, trust me on this one.

Answer 1

If this is for a school assignment, you need to shorten by one-third and revise, revise, revise.  Learn to organize your thoughts into full sentences, and then into paragraphs.  Follow suggestions from your class textbook(s.)

You need to eliminate the repetition of Bear Valley Road, over and over and over.....taking up space with the same thing over multiple times just proves that you are attempting to fill space; no thought needed.

Spelling is horrendous, please use a dictionary, and spell check as much as possible.

Outline all of the thoughts and follow each thought through to the end, your reasons for driving on the road, discuss picking your friends up at the beginning of the story and talk about the effects at the end.  Each thought only has to be discussed one time, no repeating.

Too long, too boring, too much repetition, your teacher will not get through the first dozen sentences.

I am not trying to be mean, but if you expect to get good grades in a class, you have to actually do the work, not throw a bunch of ideas on paper and expect to pass; or expect someone on YA to do the work for you.

You can even look at a book of short stories, or short articles in a newspaper to see how ideas are organized for a essay or short story.  You can even type in essay to your search engine or Google and find articles on essay writing that could help you.

Good luck, and don't ever drive 75 in a 55, it would not be a good idea under any circumstances.

Answer 2

Are you part of a big picture school? And is this part of your autobiography?

There's so spelling errors, and grammer mistakes, and I think you put Bear Valley Road too much. Try to make it less like your reflecting on it because I feel like the story kind of lacks how you were emotionally feeling at the time.

Good luck! Keep up the good work!

Answer 3

The story is great, but the grammar sucks.

Answer 4

Lots of spelling and grammar mistakes, too many to point out.

Answer 5

The Bear Valley Road

When I got pulled over on Bear Valley Road it was the end of the world to me. The day I chose Bear Valley Road was the day that changed my life. The year was 2005, in the beginning of my junior year. My friends and I had decided to go a party and hang out. After we had stayed a few hours at we decided leave. When my friends and I attend parties we take turns on who is going to drive home, and we agree they must not drink during a party. It was Gabe’s turn to drive us home. From a previous experience I knew that Gabe wouldn’t be able to resist partying with the rest of us. When he sees a beer can he will drink. Gabe had a good time and drank over his limit. Because of that he wasn’t in any condition to drive. Because of this I decided to take over as the designated driver. I took all of my inebriated friends and seated them in my car. Once I had secured everyone safely within the vehicle, I started driving down ‘’Bear Valley Road’’. At some point, concerned about my intoxicated friends behavior more than the speed at which we were travelling, I must have driven faster than speed limit posted on the road. A police officer appeared, turned on his siren and pulled me over to the side of the road. When the officer pulled me over he didn’t say a word. We stayed in the car more than thirty minutes. Two more police cars came up behind the other officer’s car. Finally the officer that pulled me over got out of his car and came up to my window and leaned against my car. At that point he requested my driver’s license, registration, and insurance. At the time I hadn’t a license to drive nor insurance, only a permit. The officer sneered and with an evil sounding chuckle said  Ã¢Â€ÂœAre you being funny or just stupid where’s your documents?”

I pretended to be looking for the documents and said, “I don’t have them with me, I think I left it at home.”

He became even more evil sounding and said, “Put your hands were I can see them.”

I placed my hands on my steering wheel and uttered “OK.”

He glanced at everyone in the car, “Everyone step out of the vehicle!” he demanded.

He was holding on to his gun or teaser gun, “Put your hands on the front of your car and spread your legs.”

All of my friends including me stepped out of the car. We did whatever he asked of us, following his every command. At this point two of his fellow officers started patting us down and treating us like we were some kind of animals.

They searched my car treating my personal belongings like they were trash. As they were finishing their search, one of the officers found a pocket knife under my seat. Unbeknownst to me, my friend Kieth, in a moment of panic, had thrown the pocketknife under  my seat . This gave the officers reason to harass us further. We were subjected to yet another humiliating ‘’body search’’.At one point one of the officers asked us if we had been drinking. My friends and I remained silent. He looked at us and replied, “All of you guys look like your under influence!’’ With that  he made all of us do weird DUI tests. Meanwhile, the rest of officers were laughing there butts off. Only I passed the DUI test since I hadn’t drank at that party that we had been to. Realizing I may be sober the officer became angry and said to me, in a deep angry voice, “your going to take a DWI breath test.” I passed the DWI breath test and immediately  he started yelling at me saying that I didn’t do it correctly. He made me do DWI breath test over and over again, each time passing. This seemed to infuriate him. He was yelling at my face like he was try to reach me across the block. He realized that there no point yelling at me or rechecking my DWI level since my test is not going to change and that made him angry, then he took off the mouth peace out of the DWI breath tester and threw it against my car. He looked like he was going mad, when he went back into his car he drove off like a mad crazy driver burning his tires.

After he had left there were two more police cars standing behind my car. A few minutes later, one of the other officers got out of his car and walked towards me. Upon reaching me he handcuffed me. When he handcuffed me he was saying something , but in the state of shock I was in I honestly don’t recall what he may have said. The officer then transported me to the stationhouse like a common criminal. There I was informed that they would try to contact my parents. I sat at police station for two hours and nothing happened. The police that were present didn’t seem to care that I was waiting for some kind of explanation of any charges against me. After four hours had passed, my parents finally arrived. With a panicked look they said was that they had just gotten the message and they came right away. It was now around four a clock in the morning. They escorted us into one of the offices and for the first time explained all of my charges. Just by listening to those charges I felt my ears melting away , my legs felt like sponge crashing beneath me. ‘’Driving group of people in my car when I had just a permit’’, ‘’speeding’’, ‘’reckless driving’’, ‘’not cooperating with police man’’, ‘’possession of the a weapon’’, and the fine for more than 1000 dollars.



I will never forget that day. I wish I could wake up and it would all be a dream. Too bad it’s not.a dream. It was the beginning of my Junior year when my friend and I decided to go to a party. After the Party my friends were drunk and it was up to me to get them home safely. Gabe, Kieth, and John were not in condition to be driving a motor vehicle. I took my friends and they got in back of my car. I chose to drive  Bear Valley Road because it was the shorter way to get Gabe’s home. I drove a little faster than the limit to get faster to Gabe’s house. Those choices I had made caused me to lose my permit, my car, my money, and to not see my friends for a long time . I learn from my mistakes. I learned  that if I try to take short cuts they are not necessarily going to be short, trust me on this one. That night I learned that a simple choice like going faster than the speed limit can change your life. That night I lost my permit, my car money, and didn’t hang out with all of my friends for a long a long time.

Answer 6

I'm sorry but that was really dull. I couldn't get past the first few sentences. Make it more intersting, and stop repeating yourself so much. The first sentence should be "The day I chose Bear Valley Road, it messed my life up"

get rid of the current first sentence, and only say the phrase "my friends and I" once, after that just say "we"

Make it much more interesting.

Answer 7

Your crazy!!!!!!!!!

Easy two pts.

Answer 8

There are probably a hundred or more grammatical, spelling, syntactical errors in this "essay."  There is a semblance of a story, but it is hard to follow due to the sheer number of mistakes.  As for the content of your story, it seems as though you do not fully comprehend the level of your guilt in this incident.  You screwed up, not the police.  The police exist to protect the rest of us from people like you.  75 miles per hour on any road is too fast.  If you are talking about Bear Valley Road in Apple Valley, California, then you should be aware that numerous deaths have occur ed on that stretch of highway because of negligent drivers like you.  The bottom line is this:  if you do not have a driver's license, then do not drive a car...no matter what.  Ever.  Period.  Call a cab; or your mommy.

Answer 9

wow...lots of errors and the sequence of events is hard to follow.  You need to write in complete sentences so that it can be understood.  I think I get the idea, but you need to clean it up!

Answer 10

Wow where to start…Uuuum, sentences sound a bit awkward.

For example, in the beginning you finished one sentence with “the beginning of my junior year” and yet the next sentence starts with the same thing, so it does not sound very good. While you could have said, “that year…”

Also, the poor grammar is very distracting. (I didn’t HAVE not had driving license… had an evil laugh…you’re going to take).