Getting married but I cant stand fiances son ?

Question

He's a spoiled dam brat. I have tried several times talking to my fiance about it and just when I think i'm getting through something comes up to show me othetwise.. I really need help with this situation you know I love love love my fiance I even love his son but I just can't stand him at the same time please help me if you can if it helps his son is 10...and to add to the fire my kids can't stand him either

Answer 1

Do not marry this guy until you work out the blended family issues. They will not get better with marriage, but will probably get worse. Tell your fiance the specific behaviors his son exhibits that you cannot tolerate without judging the son or your fiance's (or even his ex's) parenting. Just express it as a problem for the two of you to solve together.

A 10 year old can sense that you and your kids don't like him. So first his visitation with his dad is intruded on (in his mind) with three strangers. Then they turn out to be strangers who don't like him. Fun times for him.

Don't get married until you can all get along.

Answer 2

you have to remember that when you get married, you marry his family too, not just him.  his son is going to be your child. you should treat him just as well as your other children. saying you "can't stand" him is pretty mean.. maybe try going to therapy to learn to accept him.

Answer 3

How do you think he feels knowing you hate him? Children are in tune to these things and they smell it a mile away.

Get yourselves into family counseling, and dont get married until youre sure this is going to work out. Im sorry but just because you love your fiance, its not the only matter to consider when getting married. All children in this family need harmony and stability in their lives. Your feelings about this kid hurt everyone in the house.

Be an adult. Do not proceed with this marriage until the issues are resolved. All of you should be in family counseling.

Answer 4

Well, once you're married, become the woman of the house and put your foot down. Set the rules and when you take the lead your hubby will have to fall in line.

Answer 5

deal

Answer 6

Lots of red flags are waving!! You are not ready to marry this man! You are making a commitment to his sons too. Get some marriage counseling on how to deal with step children. Otherwise your marriage is doomed.It wouldn't be fair to any of the kids to have a miserable marriage and another divorce, Take this slowly and get some good advice!

Answer 7

This will obviously be a problem for the duration of your marriage if you don't find the source of the problem and correct it. Is it bad behavior? Annoying habits? Lack of respect for authority, personal space, or feelings of others?

There is a lot to consider...is his mother in the picture? If so, how does she feel about your impending nuptials? He could be feeding off of her if there are negative feelings. You and/or your fiance should probably address the situation with her.

Perhaps on a day where you and he are getting along, you could have a quiet talk about how he's doing, what he's feeling...not just in regards to the marriage, but just about life in general. Ask open ended questions. Try not to get mad, upset, defensive, or offended by anything he says.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Good Luck

Answer 8

Wow.  You and your fiance need to sit down and have a serious talk about how to integrate your families.  It's not going to be his kid and her kid anymore, it's your kids.  You need to make sure you're both on the same page and have each other's backs about how these kids are going to be raised as part of the same family.  There's lots of possible reasons,  but the bottom line is if you can't have a discussion and come to an agreement, your marriage is getting off to a very rocky start.

Answer 9

Remember the son is probably having a hard time just like you. Not having both parents together  is hard on a child and they often express their hurt differently than adults do. They cannot articulate what they are feeling. You are coming in and replacing his mom. Not to mention bringing in other kids that his father is showing affection towards. No matter what he is always going to be in his fathers life.  More than likely your own children are mimicking the feelings you project towards him. You are the adult here, he is 10.

Answer 10

its a package deal

Answer 11

I see a recipe for disaster. Unless you guys get premarital counseling to discuss this issue, you will end up divorced. It sounds harsh, but true.

Answer 12

DO THE RULES  DONT TAKE BS FROM THE LITTLE IDIOTS

Answer 13

Ok his son is obviously getting all the attention he needs from you which is what he sets out to do.

Your step son is acting this way because he can, because you feed his mood and because he likes winding you up.

The fact that your kids dont like him either is even better for him as it means he can kick off even more.

What he needs is to stop acting like a spoiled brat, this has to come from him and I have two suggestions for you, you can either make really good friends with him, that way he will feel more important than anyone else, ask his opinion on things and tell him you value that. Second you can ignore it, remember the old saying "the show cant go on without an audience" this seems to work in my daughters case. I have a feeling you will be better off trying number two in hindsight.

Good luck, if all else fails how about trying to have a word with his mother like on a mum to mum basis.

Answer 14

You are not ready to marry this man.  Blending families is hard enough as it is when you have the "yours, mine, and ours."  I have talked to my aunt in great depth about this since she also has a blended family.  She has always said she always did her absolute best to make sure everything was as fair as it could be, even though it didn't happen every time.  

Ten years old is a difficult age.  In the last year, my daughter who is almost 11 has had my fiance come into both of our lives which has caused some turmoil.  At times, she feels hurt or left out by one of us and acts up.  To add fuel to the fire, he also has a 2 year old daughter who most of the time my daughter loves and occasionally loathes!  LOL  At first, it was difficult for me to accept and love his daughter.  She was often very cranky when she is with us on weekends.  I began doing a lot more with her (bathing, feeding, doing her hair, etc) and she has become very attached to me.  I find it funny sometimes that she watches me get ready and is simply curious since I could not be much more of a polar opposite than her biological mother!

These things take time!  If he plays PS3, ask to play a game with him or doing something special like take him out for ice cream without your fiance.  Explain to him that you love his father and look forward to being in his life as well.  He may be jealous that his father's attention and love may be taken away with you and your children being in his life.  (Sounds weird but my daughter has said the same thing to me!)  Arrange times when both sets of kids can be together for an activity.  Kids this age can be best friends one day and hate each other the next so be prepared for that!

Best of luck!