Getting married in October of this year...

Question

...and the Mother of the groom is being a bit outrageous. We live in CA and the wedding is in CO. She has a fear of flying and doesn't think she can get to her sons wedding. We are having the wedding in CO because that is where I am from and where my family lives; they don't have the money to take time off and fly to CA. So instead of having a wedding in CA where the only people from my side would be my parents, the Groom and I decided that his family can afford to make the trip. This was decided about 8 months ago when I started seriously planning the wedding. His mother told us that she is "uncomfortable with flying" and said she would rather give us a check than rattle her nerves and fly. I told her "I would rather have the gift of you being there to meet my family than money". Last night she was in a horrid mood and attacked us for having the wedding "so far away knowing she can't come" We were totally caught off guard and tried to tell her that we want her there and that it would be humiliating for the groom when the mother son dance comes. She got overly emotional and angry and left the room leaving the groom and I with her husband who was trying to let both sides be seen. We talked with him and told him to try to get her to either agree to drive (it's only a 17 hour drive) or get some medication to fly.

Has anyone ever had an issue like this? What can I do? I have already sent the invtitations, bought the dress, and booked the place. The Groom and I are now seriously considering calling the whole thing off and just going to city hall to sign the papers because our wedding is such a bother. I now feel completely unwelcome in the house (we are still living with the parents) and I feel like I just want to move back home to Colorado.

Answer 1

If you truly love the man you are marrying, don't call the whole wedding of altogether.  As I heard on "Tyler Perry's House of Payne" last night, you're marrying him, not THEM.  As much as she needs to be there. And should be there for her son.

If she absolutely refuses to fly which I can understand...it can be a bit terrifying if you're not used to it, but give her a choice.  Talk to her husband or your future groom or another friend who's going...and I agree with whomever said taking the drive.  Not just shooting for it in one day but breaking it up and stopping in Las Vegas. Or the Grand Canyon.  The Hoover Dam even.  There are many stop overs that are beautiful and American wonders.

She's already nervous about the flying stuff as it is.  She's losing her son, which some mothers take more to heart then others, especially if he's the only son. And talk to her privately.  If you confront her in a group, she'll be on the defense.Take her out to lunch, treating her, and calmly talk to her.  Tell her how you feel in regards to the situation and about how you view her feelings towards you. Tell her you look forward to being apart of her family and having her as a mother in law. (Don't say it if you don't mean it though.)  Don't fight. If she starts to make it into an argument, reinstate you really want her to be there and then just leave it at that. Don't argue with her.  Be the bigger person if that's the case.

Answer 2

Have you already booked your flight? If you haven't the best suggestion i could make would be renting a vehicle (suv, van, nice sized town car something big enough to hold what you'll need and some luggage) and drive with her, that way she'll know you really want her there. If you take turns driving it shouldn't take to long. I drove from CO at around midnight to CA by 530 p.m. the next day switching off every few hundred miles. So it can be done.

I understand about her fear of flying. My sister is the same way, and my other sister is getting married in vagas next year and we're driving with her, and i'm getting married in CO or Lake Tahoe and we're driving for that too, just so she won't be uncomfortable flying.

Good luck.

Answer 3

First, I don't care how afraid she is of flying she can get on a plane to see her son get married. Second, you probably shouldn't be getting into it with her though like the comment about the dance and all. It just makes it worse. Let your fiance deal with it and don't get involved.  

Answer 4

Her fear of flying may be real - a lot of people, especially after 9/11, are not comfortable getting on a plane.

A 17 hour drive isn't terrible. Maybe there are other family members that would be willing to make the drive with her?  Perhaps also the drive could be split up over two days and stop overnight in a place that has some interesting tourist attractions.

Is there Amtrak service available from their area in CA to the location of the wedding in CO, or at least close enough that it wouldn't be difficult to have transport to and from the train station be arranged?  A train ride might be nice, and they do have some sleeper cars so she could even do the trip overnight and sleep through most of it.

Answer 5

It sounds as though you live with your fiance's parents but you have wrapped your wedding around your family because they couldn't afford to make the trip. Isn't the fact that your Mother in law would be expected to fly when she fears it, or drive for two days as valid as your family's problems? I wish you had involved her when you planned to get married so far away and now you need to either compromise and set the wedding somewhere in the middle or accept graciously that your own planning has ousted your fiance's Mother and accept that she cannot come graciously.

Answer 6

A lot of people have a problem flying and have disrupted wedding plans of my clients.

How much is she willing to try?  Or do you think she won't go?

1. Medication.  Valium and other medications taken before can help relax her.  and make sure she has someone to fly with, not go alone.

2. Car, bur or train.  It may be a long ride but its an alternative to flying.

3. If she still refuses then the show must go on. It's a bit late to move things.  Do the wedding in CO.  Have it video taped and play it for her when you get home and got o a nice dinner.  Maybe do a small ceremony at home for those who cant make it and a small reception as well.  I have had many clients do two weddings due to travel issues!

See what she is willing to try and go from there.