Gift to mark the 13th bday of a son lost to a coerced adoption?

Question

I'm not going into detail. I have done that elsewhere. I also will have to hold on to this gift until we are reunited far down the line.

Any suggestions of something to, preferably, make to honor his ascent into the teenage years? His Bday is the 29th and I refuse to spend another year mourning a child who is still alive.

Anything you would have liked to be given when reunited?

Answer 1

How about leaving him alone?

Answer 2

Well I cant really say anything about a gift, only because if I was to reunite with my dad I dont really think a gift would do much oh believe me if he got me something expencive it would make me smile but not for the reasons I would want too.  Let me tell you though, my husbands father had a picture that he had blown up of himself and my husband as a baby and he kept it with him always.  When my husbands father passed away he was given the picture by his dads wife.  Well after having the picture for a while his wife called us one day and told him that there is a letter writen on the back of the picture to him that he should read.  Well this letter was in great detail letting him know what really happened in his childhood, how much he fought for him in court, how much he loved him, many things that went into great detail on the past my husband does not remember, but I tell you what it brough him to tears and me to tears and this is not my dad.  It was so heart warming just to know that these words came from his dad.  I tell you popping up in your sons life might not be a good idea, maybe if you are going to talk to him then try writing him a letter, let him warm up on the idea before bam there you are.  Just a suggestion, I have seen situations like this one.  Good luck and I am extremely sorry that you were not able to enjoy your son like most other parents are able.

Answer 3

Oh, my heart goes out to you, and to him.

Thirteen is a big one. And it can be really hard in these times. As of course you know, 13 is when Judaism considers you a man, and other cultures also. But today our young men do not mostly get a rite of passage, but instead a prolonged adolescence where they are more or less powerless. And that is a problem, I think, because they need to be empowered for all the good things their energy can create, instead of trapped into channelling their energy into harmful directions. Sorry to digress, you just made me think/feel for your son and the passage he is coming to without his first mother. :-(    If by some wild chance you want more on this, see the links below. The first is a great song about rites of passage (not religious) and the other 2 are articles about them (not sure they are great, look okay).

Okay, so then your question. Well, for 13 I would think something very meaningful for that rite of passage, something symbolizing manhood and power. . . . And I think it is telling that I can't think what that would really be, other than negative symbols. Or maybe it is just that I'm a girl! (but I think that is only partly it). But maybe that doesn't matter, because this is a present he will only receive later. So something too much for a 13 year old might be inappropriate later. Or not, depending on what it is. Something symbolizing a rite of passage could be used for different sorts of passages--13, 18, being reunited. Now if I could only think of what that would be. Some help I am, huh?

But in some ways, this is also a gift for you, no? To help heal a little of the mourning? So somehow something that would help you to continue on and that also you could give to him later, maybe? Sigh, still struggling here.

Okay, here is an idea from online: an engraved brass compass, symbolizing choosing a direction:

http://warriorshand.blogspot.com/2007/11...

Or maybe an engraved stone? I like the compass better, though.

Or Sunny's idea, a family tree would be great, especially if it had pictures of the people,

Or if it doesn't seem too involved, maybe a family tree as part of a lifebook, that explained how he was born and the time he spent with you and how you felt and feel about him, with maybe some journaling or a page for each year on his birthday. Here is a link to a discussion of creating a lifebook from a first mother:

http://open.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/...

Whatever you choose, it will be right, because it will come from you. That is the most important part.

Answer 4

I wished I done what you are doing. for my birthdaughter. I found her is 2001. The first meeting I took a photo album of me and her bfather. She really liked that. I spent a lot of years and tears before i found her. You are doing a good thing.

Answer 5

Pictures.

A real family tree?

Answer 6

I wish that our son's bio-parents would do something like this for him.   We've asked them to write letters or stay involved, but they absolutely refuse to acknowledge that they have any connection to him.   Our situation is a little different though because they felt that his birth was an inconvenience to them and their lifestyle.  We do stay in touch with his bio-grandparents, and they attend all of our family functions as "grandma & grandpa" but the bio-parents refuse to have any involvement.  That's a long story in itself.  I commend you for doing this for your son.  

I love Sunny's idea of a family tree.  In fact, my mother has started doing geanological research to put in a book for my son.  She has done our family and then she has started trying to research the information for his birth family also so that he has it.  It's been a great experience for her, and something I'm sure my son will treasure when he is older.  

Good luck!

Answer 7

My heart is aching for you.

Last Mother's Day, I spoke with my birth mom.  I talked to her about how I have always felt like I was never wanted.  She told me how for months after my birth, she would wake in the night crying for me.  I realized at that moment how much she had hurt, too, to have been separated from me.  It was the best gift anyone had ever given me....to know that I wasn't unwanted.

Maybe you could write down your feelings for him so that someday he will know, too.

Answer 8

Maybe you could write and frame some poetry for him?  Something to take him through the years of his life so far, to tell him what you would have liked to be there for, and the hopes and dreams you had and have for him.

How about also a journal of your life so far?  You may already be doing it, but if not something that he can read through when you're reunited to 'catch him up' so to speak on your life so far.

Personally, those would have meant a great deal to me at reunification.  Good luck.

Answer 9

Id do some kind of journal or letters to him.

Answer 10

Name a star in some way after him.

Answer 11

Um dont really know.Cant help if you dont open up a little more.

Answer 12

something that has been in the family for years