Girlfriend isnt going to press charges against rapist, i need help accepting her choice.

Question

Cutting a long story short; my girlfriend was raped by her ex boyfriend. It took her a lot of time to stop blaming herself and accept what happened. But in the end she did. But she has just decided that she doesn't want to press charges against him because of the memories she has of him...

I cant understand if, doesn't raping her show that he doesn't give a d**n for those memories... that she meant nothing to her other than pleasure and entertainment...

I know I have become obsessed with seeing him pay for what he did to her - all the trust she had in him, he used to rape her.

Please someone tell me how I can deal with her choice...

And also tell me if I should go ahead with 'illegal' action, I.e, beating the **** out of him and leaking his details to certain internet sites..

Someone help...

[I know this is a repost of my question in the Singles and dating area, but i noticed this section and thought it better suited.

Answer 1

If she is ok with it maby something is wrong with this picture.Just an un biest answer dont trip.It is her call though.

Answer 2

You must support her decision and never doubt her decision not to go to court.

I think you are in for a very hard time just trying to support her. Rape can be absolutely devastating for the victim and she will need you to support her with all the strength you have. Even that may not be enough.

I can understand you wanting to kill the bloke but it won't help you and would probably even alienate her towards you. Perversely, that is the way things often go.

EDIT: As an afterthought, I think you have to look long and hard at whether you trust her. If there is any doubt in your mind about whether this was rape, things may not work out and you had better sort that out with yourself before you start maybe accusing her in future. I'm not saying you will, but even the slightest doubt in your mind would be a very bad thing indeed.

Answer 3

Listen to me.Rape isn't about s*x.It's about control.That's why he done it .He'd lost control of her and raped her to try to regain control and to hurt her in a vengeful way because he felt aggrieved.He is the lowest of the low.You know the strongest thing she can do for herself is walk away from the B and say I didn't let you break me.Court would be an impossible ordeal that would/could destroy her.The fact he was her boyfriend makes for a difficult case.

Your angry, understandably, but trying to force her to do what you want because of your anger, that's about you.Do you want to control her too?

Seriously you need to say to her you'll do whatever it takes for her to come out the other side emotionally intact.Your success as a couple is a triumph over the despicable crime he commited.Don't let him win.

Answer 4

I sympathize. It's hard not to want to take revenge.   She wants this behind her.  Causing him harm could bring the police into this, she would be a logical suspect, as would you.  Spend that energy in doing the things to make her feel safe.

Answer 5

Maybe her story isn't as true as she made it to you. It could be true, but for her not to want to get revenge is weird. Be there for her and hold her tight. Its her choice and you have to let go of her past so you can create a future with her. It sucks, but sometimes there really is nothing you can do to help. You can though, make things worst. Its in her past and she probably doesn't want anything new coming out of it.

Answer 6

Your role in your girlfriend's healing process is to support her in whatever descisions she makes. This issue is about her, not about you.

    I can understand that she doesn't want to have that event re-hashed, and there's nothing worse than having a healing scab re-opened.

    Beating the ex boyfriend won't do any good, it'll only make you a criminal as well.

     Your girlfriend has worked hard to get to the point where she can put the rape in her past; support her and do the same.

Answer 7

I am afraid you have to respect your girlfriends decision it would be hard to go to court and go all through it again.Don,t get yourself into trouble by hitting him because this will make things worse for you and your girl especially if you get locked up.Maybe some counselling together would help,but be careful what you put on the internet as this could result in slander as he has not been found guilty,I am only trying to protect you,and hopefully your girlfriend will change her mind,and one other thing to remember is that what goes around comes around no matter how long it takes.Best wishes to you both and I hope the evil **** that did this gets his own,i'm sure he will.

Answer 8

Just accept her decision not to press charges.  Because the culprit is an ex boyfriend your girlfriend would get a seriously hard time in court if the case even reached court.  If she has learnt to live with it so must you.  Just be supportive and forget revenge.

Answer 9

Conviction rates for rape are disgustingly low anyway, so just go and beat the c r a p out of him,  

Answer 10

if my bf was raped by his ex and wasnt going to press charges i would tell someone and do it myself, i mean i wouldnt want to take the chance she mite do it again.bt thats just me.

Answer 11

Maybe you're not getting the whole story, let it go.  It's her call.

Answer 12

I think people are forgetting, but he (poster) is also sufferring with this !  HIS girlfriend was raped, all he wants to do is protect her, and he feels helpless in this - sorry.

People are right, it is her choice, she doesn't want to go through the pain again of relaying what had happened.

If it makes you feel better, go and see him, tell him what you think, but I don't suggest beating him up, you'll be punished, and for what - protecting your girlfriend.

I'm sorry this has happened !

How is she now ?  When did this happen ?  I'm sure she's having what if's already including, why was I near him, why did I go to such and such etc.

You need to talk to each other, you are also affected by this, obviously, not as much as her, but you are too.

Another thing is, she will probably not want s*x, so do not get upset with her over that.

Not only that, and I am really sorry for saying this, but it is natural to doubt her too, everyone goes through a doubting stage.  Is it possible ?  The only reason I say this is because an ex friend of mine said she'd been raped by an ex, but turns out she didn't, she'd cheated on her partner with him and made out it was rape. - NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THIS THOUGH !

You must remember, loads of victims feel that they can't go to the police, that is normal, and just because they feel like that, does not mean at all that they are lying !!!!

Good luck x*x

Answer 13

i think your girl still has feelings for him and u should leave her. she doesnt press charges because she doesnt want him to go to jail,(the person she has feelings for)and no u souldnt take actions in to your own, hands 2 wrongs dont make a right just leave her  

Answer 14

It's best to post charges but since she's not going to try going for a long walk.

Answer 15

as most other posters have said-it's her body and this is her decision then you have to stand by it.

BUT...

i were in your position i would question the motives behind that decision-a bit of verbal or physical abuse is one thing but you don't let someone get away with raping you just because you have "fond memories of him".-but again if you love her then support her.

but what is important on your part is if the ex starts sniffing around again nip it in the bud straight away-have a "private chat" with him letting him know that if he tries to contact your girl again the consequences will be very severe indeed (giving him a couple of digs while explaining the error of his ways wouldn't do any harm neither). if your lady finds out and takes the serious hump over it then perhaps you are better off without her-because if this happens then it would be quite obvious she still has feelings for the man and irrespective of how you feel you simply cannot have this happening.

because of the psychological damage this scroatbag did to her it is obvious your lady is too weak to take him on ( there is no way she will testify against him in court-and he knows this) so if he appears on the scene again you have to deal with it or he will think he can hit on her any time he feels like it.

while i always respect ians point of views (poster above) on this occasion while what ian says is correct-you cannot take the law into your own hands-a scumbag of this calibre (one who is prepared to rape a woman) is not likely to take any notice of threats of law action-so i support my view that on this occasion grabbing him in the early stages and letting him know his presence won't be welcome would suffice more (you don't have to hurt him-just let him know you won't mess about with him if he starts).

it's all fine and good people suggesting counselling/going to the police etc if he turns up again-but all this will do is stir things up again-easier just to get rid of him without her knowing methinks. if she is learning to deal with it-then things are best left be-your main concern is to concentrate on helping her and making sure he doesn't get the chance to have another go at her.

if he is not bothering you then leave him alone but until this happens then try to put this behind you.

and good luck.

Answer 16

I feel so sorry for you both that she is a victim of such a violent and degrading offence and yourself for feeling powerless in dealing with his offence against your girlfriend.

Its easy for people to make rash unfeeling comments about your girlfriend still 'being in love' with her rapist because of a past relationship. But the chances are that the relationship had good and bad times and her mind can only focus on the good times because memories of the bad things that happened are just too painful to cope with.

My advice to you both is that you encourage and support her in contacting Rape Crisis (the number can be found on-line), they won't pressurise her to report the offence but they will listen and counsel her and yourself, and when this happens if she then decides to go to the police they will support you both through the process.

It sounds very much like she has quashed the offence in her head and this is never a good thing as ultimately it could affect her relationships in the future and the further away from the date of the offence it gets the more confident the offender becomes in thinking he has and would get away with it.

It does happen though that years after an offence of rape the offender is brought to justice.

As for the swift summary justice of 'kicking his backside and worse' that you feel like doing....trust me it would not be worth the grief you would get, as the courts would not listen to your reasoning as the justice system is there to kick ***. Support your girlfriend and offer her choices in how to deal with this crime against her. If she accepts the counselling from an organisation like Rape Crisis she will come to realise she is a victim of an offence but able to survive it, but also come to realise that this offence makes you a victim too.

Good Luck

Answer 17

I'm sorry but this may be harsh..

She doesn't want to press charge because of 'fond memories'

Then it can't really be that serious. Was it one of those hazy cloudy 'date' rapes where she led him on and then changed her mind half way through, and then cried rape afterwards?

Im sorry but if she was really raped and violated I don't honestly feel that she would still be having 'fond memories' of him.

Everyone else is focusing on the issue of conviction rates and the like, but that's not the reason why she's not pressing charges is it?

How can you still have 'fond memories' of someone who's forcibly raoed and violated your body???

I'm really sorry but something doesn't add up with her story.

ISITME - IT IS NOT MORONIC TO QUESTION THINGS, HOWEVER IT IS MORONIC TO BLINDLY ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD WITHOUT ONE WORD OF THOUGHT OR DISCUSSION.

It might not be politically correct to suggest all is not as it seems but it is still justified. There are always other aspects to things that happen.

Answer 18

With respect, if you have any kind of feelings for your girlfriend, you should be there to support her in what is her decision.

I know its easy for me to say as I'm not in your situation but I have dealt with many victims and know that the support of their loved ones means a lot.

If you decide to take things into your own hands by the use of violence or discrediting the suspect for the rape, then you yourself will be open to Police action.  If you end up being taken away from your girlfriend for your intended crimes then you won't be there to support her.

Good luck.

Answer 19

I think some of the disgracefull answers you have here illustrate the reason she's not prosecuting, the contributors calling her actions into question are narrow-minded morons.

I would expect the main reason for not pressing on is the fact that a rape victims entire sexual past is examined in court, the offender doesn't have to answer any questions at all, the victim endures an average of eight hours in the witness box.

Respect her wishes and privacy, support her, don't judge her!

Answer 20

it seems like ur making it more about you and not ur girl...i think you just need to be there for her and respect her wishes..i think it more she may not want to have to relieve what happened to her..its her right to not want to press charges...i can uderstand u wanting to beat his a@@ too, i would feel that same way...what  you might want to do is call the police and just find out what the statute of limitations is..if she changes her mind a week from now she may be able to press charges, but a lot of the evidence is already gone...good luck

Answer 21

Get a different girlfriend. She isn't pressing charges because she still loves him.

Answer 22

when i was a lot younger, i always said that if that happened to me, id be straight down the police station, pressing charges, seeing him in court, etc etc

however, now im older, i seriously wonder if i could go through that, the rate for convictions for rape is seriously low, i would also have to 're live' the events in both questioning and cross examination and statements, i dont know if i would be strong enough or want to re live it all, and theoretically, make it happen again by the very words of it all

i wouldnt say to anyone, she should or shouldnt press charges, but i would completely understand if someone decided not to.

should you take illegal action? well theres several answers to that

firstly, by doing so, in the light of her decision not to press charges, you would be acting the person in control of her choice. sound familiar,,, her choice was not to have s*x, he raped her, making her have s*x. her choice not to carry on with consequences for the rape, you attack him, carrying on the consequences of the rape (which she is obviously trying to put behind her)

secondly, its obvioulsy illegal

thirdly, what good would you be to her behind bars

thats not to say that i dont understand your feelings, i do, but therapeutically, she has tried to move on, she has used her way of doing this, you need to support her with that, and if you need support of your own to deal with the feelings you have, seek support from friends, family, support groups, whatever, but dont override her choice or you'll be (nearly) as bad as him

Answer 23

That is a tuff one. Your best bet might be to talk to a councillor about it. Someone trained to deal with the situation you are in.

If you go to church talk to your pastor or Priest. If concerned you can go talk to a pastor from your domination in another town.

Or talk to a Priest in confessional secrecy

One advantage ot discussing it with a Catholic Priest is he will carry it to his grave if need be.

Answer 24

Okay, here it is.  It is her body that was violated.  She has accepted that and moved on.  You need to honor her wishes and let it go.  If you love her, you will support her and her decision.