Give me a clean joke and the best one will recieve best answer.?

Question

Keep it clean! Hurry, I get off work in 90 minutes from the time this posted.

Answer 1

Stan and Ollie were sitting at a bar, drinking beer, when a woman came over and sat beside Stan.

The woman winked seductively at him, and, feeling a tad hot under the collar, Stan turned to Ollie. "I think she likes me," he said from the side of his mouth. "What do I do next?"

Taking a sip of beer, Ollie whispered, "I've always found the direct approach best. Show her your nuts."

Turning to the woman, Stan promptly stuck out his tongue and crossed his eyes!  

Answer 2

a young man goes into the chemist & says 6 comdoms please miss, shes says dont miss me, so he says ok, 7 then, lol.

Answer 3

what do you call cheese thats not your own?

nacho cheese

why should you not play cards in the jungle?

because theres alot of cheetas there

Answer 4

There is a couple. A Blond is married to a guy. She takes the car and is on her way to work. She gets a phone call from her husband who tells her to be careful, because he is watching the news and tells her there is some crazed driver going the wrong way on 405. To Which the Blond replies "Yeah there''s not just one, there's f*cking hundreds of them!"

Answer 5

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.  



I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.  

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street l*****g myself and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing loudly.

Answer 6

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,

"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

Airline Humor at Continental Airlines

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

"On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

Airline Humor at Continental

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. ;WHOA!"



After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as h**l everything has shifted."

Flying Tribute to Southwest Airlines

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull;tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Broken Rain Cloud Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."



And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Airline Humor with United Airlines

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



Part of a flight attendant's arrival anouncement: " We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Airline Humor with Jet Blue

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...

OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Airline Humor Jet

Answer 7

What kind of beans do monsters like?

Human beings (beans)

Answer 8

Boy: Girl i love you!

Girl: Shut up!

Boy: I wanna be with you!

Girl: Shut up!

Boy: You're beautiful!

Girl: Oh, really?

Boy: Shut up!

Answer 9

dont p**s in my pocket and tell me its raining

Answer 10

I will provide you but you must try to understand. It would be logical.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

__________________

Answer 11

how about a guy goes into the drugstore and buys a box of condoms.He wants to know the price so he asks the clerk how much?the clerk says 2.49 plus tax.he says dang i didnt know that u needed tacks i thought they stayed on by themselves