Giving a second chance. ?

Question

I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I have been with my husband for 4. He is in active duty with the Navy. He has been on patrol and off the last 4 years. Least to say we don't have much of a relationship like we would if he wasn't in the Navy, but the relationship we do have .. isn't much of one anymore.

Today how I feel, is the same as my feelings have been the last few years. I don't like kissing him, hugging him, having s*x with him, snuggling with him, looking at him, I don't get butterflies in my stomach, I don't get lighthead and that crazy in love feeling anymore (not for 3 years). I don't like talking with him. The list could go on and on.

At the same time, I don't despise him. Hes a very good friend. I feel like I am married to my best friend, but he gets benefits with it.

I left last week, to clear my head. Had four days of complete alone time where I figured out what I wanted. Well I came back home and he talked me into staying with him and giving it another shot. He is controlling and manipulating, he plays head games, my whole family has seen it, as my friends have too. I talked to him about this he said he will change. He said he would quit drinking, he started again the night I came home. He also started again with tryin to get me to sleep with him, and makes me feel horrible and hating myself if I don't.

I am a born again christian. I have my beleifs and I believe I should try until I can't take it anymore and its exhuasting to the point of me bein miserable even after prayer and couseling and trying everything we possibly could do.

Well. He said he would go to counseling .. when I came home its as if it went out the door. He hasn't said a word of it since then. I need to look at him when we talk, I have to give him hugs and be more considerate to his feelings .... well he makes me feel guilty when I don't .. because I should want to do these things (love him and be romantically involved) since I am his wife.

ITS SOOOO CONFUSING ... and I AM NOT HAPPY! He says my happiness is more important than anything but I should try to make things work and try to be happy with him again when I haven't in 3 years.

We have a 2 year old and a1 year old which makes things more difficult. I feel free when he isn't home and when he isn't around him. I feel trapped when I am near him.

I am also registered for a marathon in November, and have a few jobs I might be landing .. well he wants me to give up my jobs and not run in the marathon. He says "I can't comprehend how hard it will be" even though I am training for it and will finish it no matter what. AGAIN belittling me ..

Am I just blind??? My mom says I am. She was in the same type of marriage for 17 years, and doesn't want me to go through what she wentn through for the sake of the children, which is what I am doing I think actually ...

Can I get some outside advice please??

Answer 1

why are you with someone you dont love anymore in order for YOUR children to be happy mom has to be happy and take care of yourself!!!

get out

Answer 2

Plain and simple this is emotional abuse.  You have endured a lot and you can see that your in a bad situation.  The problem is that your letting him guilt you into staying in this situation.  You have given him chance after chance and at some point you have to draw the line.  When you think of your kids think of them growing up in a house where their mom is not happy ever.  Where they see you being put down on a regular basis.  All they will get out of you remaining with him is learning that this is how a marriage works and thus that is potentially how their marriages will work.  You need to break the cycle and have a life that shows your kids how to live and enjoy life properly.

Answer 3

Honey, I believe that you should give your marriage your all, but it sounds as if no matter what you do, it's just not going to work.  Your mother is right, it's not right to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children.  Not only will you begin to resent him even more, but your children will also resent you, in the long run, for staying in a loveless marriage.  They're no dummies.  They'll be able to see the change in your attitude when he's home and when he's way.  It will be easier on all parties, if you leave while they're so young.

Don't let him dowse your dreams!  Keep on doing what you're doing, Honey, and show him that you have wings and remember how to fly!  His abusive 'love' isn't what God intends for his children!!  You need someone who will love you for YOU, who will lift you up and be there to pick you up when you fall!!  You've given it your all, and all he's doing is taking.  A marriage is 50/50, not 90/10!  Regardless of what he says, YOU still have to love YOUrself!!  At the end of the day, when you can't even look YOUrself in the face because you're so unhappy, you need to make a break and find happiness again!

I too am a Christian.  I minister to a congregation every Sunday and Wednesday, and I believe in counseling and prayer.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but I also believe that God doesn't want us to remain in an abusive relationship.  Abuse is abuse, whether it's emotional, verbal, or physical.  Get out before it gets worse!!  He's right, in that your happiness is the most important thing!  Kick his butt to the curb and find your HAPPINESS!!

God's blessings on you and yours...Always!!

P.S.  Feel free to contact me!  Put Yahoo Answers in the subject line.

Answer 4

OMG!!  If you have the chance to get away from this please do!!!  It will NOT get any better.  Your mom is right.  I have been there for the past 19 years.  Now with 2 kids and a whole lot of baggage I am afraid to get out.  

He is not thinking with any of your interests in mind.  Every thing is about him. Period.  And that does not change either.  No matter how hard they believe they are trying, they dont.  I actually wish my husband was physically abusive so that I would have the evidence I need to get my divorce.  But the emotional abuse is hard to prove, and when a man is that manipulative, he will turn everything around to be your fault, or try to prove you are just mentally ill and then you risk losing your child.  That is the part I fear most.  Sounds like you have a lot of family support, please let them help you.

Answer 5

My husband got angry one night over nothing and told me he hated me in front of our two small children.  This was the start of his head games and controlling behavior.  Finally, I was so miserable and couldn't figure out what was happening to us.  I found a website, Dr. Irene's verbal abuse website and it really cleared up a lot for me and explained what was happening in my relationship.  I decided to leave (I wanted our marriage to work because of our children, too).  Strange thing is, after I left, it was like I gained respect for standing up for myself.  And I truly believe the children are happier without having to live with all the tension going on in the house.  I do still feel sad that our family is broken up, but I still feel I made the right decision by leaving.  Your husband isn't going to change, as you can see already.  He needs a wake up call and leaving him will do just that and he will not be able to control your life any more.  You will feel much better.  I just hope you have some family who can support you if you decide to leave, you will need it.  When you say you feel free when he is gone, it makes me think that you 'walk on eggshells' when he is around.  This is a horrible way for you to live!  I feel your pain.  I was married for 12 years so I can definitely say waiting to leave may not be the best thing.  I feel like I wasted all of my 30's on my ex.   Your children will want you to be happy so you can take good care of them.

Answer 6

If you are that miserable, get away. Go file for legal separation, he will then know that you are not going to take anymore abuse, and what he is doing is mental abuse. Sometimes that is the worse kind.  If he changes, then go back, but I doubt that will happen. Give it a time limit(don't tell him) and if it hasn't improved by that time then go for the divorce.  

Answer 7

If your heart is not in it then there is no chance of this working.  And if that is his behavior with you and he isnt willing to change then you should leave.  You also need to do things for you, like the marathon and getting a job.  If thats what you want.  Good luck.

Answer 8

Giving a second, third, fourth chance....

Seems you two have major issues and just prolonging the problem. I say listen to the people around you, because you already know it but you're lying to yourself.

How can you say he's "controlling and manipulating" and still be in a relationship with him. Sounds like you have tried, you deserve happiness, and so do your children. Besides it will only get worse as the children grow. As for quiting your job this would only make you more dependent on him. If your mother has been in this type of marriage why not learn from her mistakes?

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

The feeling he is having is because he KNOWS your not IN love with him.  He is wanting you to spend more time with him because he is away from you for so long and just wants to have you with him.  If you not happy with him anymore and have tried counciling.  The only option you have is to leave.  Break it to him firmly and have all your stuff out or arrangments already made.  Dont stay just because its easier.  

Answer 10

Wow, I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I haven't been in a marriage but it felt like it at a point in time. I was with my ex for 3 years and he belittled me, maniputlated me, and more and I took it. I later realized how brainwashed I was and I woke up and I decided that I didn't need to be with someone like that and I deserved better for myself and my life. I am a Christian as well, I don't like the thought of divorce but I know in this life, we do need it. I think things aren't too bad to where you need a divorce but at the same time, if you don't feel you love him, can't stand making love with him, and so on I think it is time you go your seperate ways. Yes there are two little ones involved and you must think about THEIR best interest first but if you aren't happy how could your little ones be happy? I think you need to do whats right for you and your family. If he doesn't encourage you to be better and to do better than that isn't a husband at all. It's time to really think about divorce or a seperation to see how it feels to not have you in his life - maybe that will be his reality check. Take care, I hope it works out and that you are happy. :)

Answer 11

If you are not happy and haven't been for a long time then i think you both  should sit down and just agree that you should leave each other. I know you have children together but don't stay with someone you don't love for someone else. If you are worried about being a single mom don't think of the bad things. There are a lot of single moms out there. You can't make yourself love someone if you don't.  

Answer 12

Both of you are being immature, and selfish

And your mom is not being supportive of your marriage, she thinks she is helping, but anyone who interfers and encourages a divorce is not helping

WOW! How can you find the time to train for a marathon, work a couple of jobs, and still be a mommy?

Obviously you are dumping the kids off onto some one else.

He is defending the country that you live and are taking your freedom for granted,

he is not out womanizing, or in w***e houses,

You obviously spend too much time with your scorned and hurt mother who still harbors guilt and pain

Marriage is a committment, based on fundamental respect and loyalities

Being positive when your hubby comes home is just as nice

Hi honey, I am here in the .... how was your day

Answer 13

I also read your question about him leaving the kids alone. He sounds like a complete a*****e / navy macho.

What I read makes me wonder why you are even considering giving this person a second chance. He is not worthy of you and your love. This sounds like a very stressful relationship, which is not at all good for your children

Stick with your beliefs (and don't keep on turning your other cheek :-) )

good luck, I think you already know the answer that this relationship doesn't really have a future. It will be a hard decision to really leave him, but I hope you will choose for yourself and your children. This is draining your energy. And he certainly doesn't deserve you flying in his arms after acting as a moron.

Answer 14

He is belittling you because he doesn't feel appreciated enough by you.  He is controlling because he feels that he lost the control/say about where your relationship is heading.

It isn't easy being the wife of someone in the forces.  It takes a lot of love & courage and deep understanding of each other.

What you said tells me that he really shows that he wants this marriage to work, but he can't do alone & certainly not if you are leaving.

I think you should get out.  Not because he behaved badly towards you and belittling you etc.  but because you don't love really love him enough to make this work, nor do you really want to be there.  So, do yourself and him a favour and end this.