God/Bible Question About Forgiveness: Please Help!?

Question

I have a few questions about forgiveness. First, I believe in God & study the bible almost daily. I am trying to learn as much as I can about God and His laws. I want to live a good life in God's eyes.

I know we are supposed to forgive people, just as God forgives us. But my mother has put me through very hard things in my life, and is a very bitter & negative person, despite my trying to sway her to stop. She uses me to do all her work, and I think she expects me to give her money in the future-while she is lazy & soaks up disability from the government. She has done some pretty mean things to me in the past, that have emotionally scarred me. There is a lot to it, but I won't go into detail. I have forgiven her in my heart, but I no longer wish to have anything to do with her or my other siblings due to past events. Because they never change, and continue regardless of how I act or what I do.

My questions are these:

1. If you forgive someone, is it okay to not have to be around them. In other words, since my mother won't change her ways, and it upsets me being around her, is it okay for me to move on with my life and completely cut her off & move away--but at the same time forgive her in my heart.

2. If someone will NEVER apologize or admit wrong doing, do you have to forgive them? Even God makes us acknowledge our sins & repent before forgiving us? It is the same with us? But as I said, I forgive her & wish her the best--I just don't want to be subjected to her ways anymore.

3. Do I have to keep submitting myself to this manipulative & rude treatment I get? Is it okay in God's eyes to forgive her but move on with my life? She doesn't get along with my sisters much either, and is divorced (several times). She is a really manipulative person, and very selfish.

I really appreciate anyone's response. Both my wife & I are a little confused about all of this at this point. Any help would greatly be appreciated! God bless

Answer 1

1. You forgive for you. Not for her. You will probably treat her well, but by being connected to God you get taught by God. Remember that!!!!!!!! God teaches us through His Spirit. So it doesn't matter a monkey's butt how your mother takes it if you bring it up to her, you are being raised by God.

2. You forgive so that YOU do not walk around carrying a grudge. All that anger and resentment are abolished (for a time). We have to remind ourselves and even go through the process again as often as we need to. But you are not forgiving her for her, but for yourself.

3. God will teach you.

(I needed to hear this myself. Some of the best messages someone can preach are those they themselves need to hear).

Answer 2

have you read the story of Corrie Ten Boom, The Secret Room? She was a holocaust survivor. Your question reminded me of this book because she told of an incident where she spoke at a church or some kind of function after World War II where she spoke of her experience in the camps. After her speach, a German soldier came up to her and asked her to forgive him and stretched out his hand to shake hers. She prayed within herself," God, how can I forgive this man. I remember his face so well. Every day, I, along with hundreds of other women, had to strip down naked and walk in front of a bunch of soldiers as they looked upon our naked, dirty, starved, lice ridden, skeleton of a body, with such filthy expressions of satisfaction on their faces. And this soldier is one of them. How can I forgive him, I hate him soooo much?" If you read the book, the story may be a little different, but that's how I remember it. When she reached out to shake his hand, as hard as that was for her to do, she felt the most intense love for the man and it was incredibly easy for her to forgive him. The Lord heard her prayer and He loved the man through her, and that's how she forgave him.  

Answer 3

Yes, you may have no choice but to cut her off and move away.  You can do this while making the choice to forgive her.  You need to let her know in a kind and firm way that you are drawing the line and that you cannot allow her to continue to treat you this way.  And if she cannot understand that, then you have no choice but to discontinue being around her.

Forgiveness is not just something you do when someone apologizes to you.  It is something you should do everytime that someone sins against you.  It's not for their benefit, but for yours.  Unforgiveness has a way of chaining you up in anger and bitterness.  And the longer you hang on to it, the longer the chains get.

I had to forgive a close Christian friend for deeply wounding me about a year ago.  When I chose to forgive them, I felt this weight lift off of me.  I literally saw in my spirit a dark figure back off of me.  Somehow my unforgiveness had given that spirit legal right to hang onto me.  The enemy is legalistic.  Remember, the Lord's Prayer says forgive us AS we forgive others.  

And no, you do not have to submit you and your wife to the manipulation and rude treatment.  Until you can get healing and gain strength it is a good idea to keep a safe distance.  Then perhaps down the road, you may have enough strength to love her, be around her, and be able to keep her from being able to manipulate and abuse you and your family.

You are right to be focused on forgiveness right now.  I believe that our spiritual well-being is alot more dependant on this than we can imagine.  I ask God to give you the gift of forgiveness, in the name of Jesus.  With this forgiveness you will find healing.  God bless you.

Answer 4

Forgiving someone does not mean in any way that you have to put yourself in the way of abuse.

The best thing to do is when you are legally able to move out on your own, do so and don't look back!

Pray for her, send her cards and maybe a gift or two call her from time to time if these things are possible. If you don't want her to have your address when you leave, then use a PO box, or not use a return address at all.

Remember, hurting people hurt people.

Her childhood may have been h**l on her too, and it's entirely she was never taught how to relate to people properly.

Bottom line is, don't let what she has done to you, control you in the future. Allow God the time to heal you and allow Him to heal her too.

God bless.  

Answer 5

Answers to 1 & 3 are the same.  You should forgive your mother, try to understand her, but you don't have to be around her.

#2: Forgiveness is something that comes from only one person.  You can forgive someone even if they don't ask for forgiveness.

The key is to understand that everyone wants to be nice, pleasant, polite, and loved, but some people have problems.  

Answer 6

1.  There is a difference between forgiving and empowering.  If you have truly forgiven your mom, you have done well and you don't necessarily have to continue to associate with her.  The Bible says if a man or woman is able to work and chooses not to, he or she should not eat.  

2.  When Jesus was on the cross He asked the Father to forgive those who was killing Him "for they know not what they do".  These men had not yet asked for repentence if ever.  I've wondered the same thing you're asking till I came to the conclusion eventually that Christ forgave us all before we come to Him but we have to repent and accept Him before we can receive the benefits of that forgiveness.  Holding back forgivenss is a sort of vengeance and the Lord says vengeance is His alone.  

3.  You pray about that, and make sure that you have truly forgiven her.  There are times when the grievance is so bad the flesh is truly incapable of forgiving.  This is when you must ask God to enable you to see that person through the eyes of Christ and simply allow His love to flow through you toward that person.  God may still want to use you to help bring her to Christ or He could want you to just remove yourself for a season so she can reap what she has sown.  Try to be sensitive to the Spirit in this.

Lastly, check out June Hunt.  She is a wonderful counselor and she has addressed this topic.  Here is a little of her. http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/76

Answer 7

1 - Is it okay to forgive and not be around - Well, yes and no.  Don't forget Honor your mother and father.  Now having said that, it doesn't mean you can't back away from heavy contact.  As her child, you should forgive her and make sure that she is okay and humble yourself in doing so.  That doesn't mean be a doormat.  

2 - Yes YOU need to forgive, forgiveness isn't about accepting their appology when they admit it.  Did those mocking and crucifying our Lord appologize?  No, yet he forgave and asked the father to forgive them for they knew not what they do.  Jesus died for us without appology from any.  What he requires is that we accept the forgiveness he already gave, not to appologize so that he can forgive.  Forgiveness is a gift, it is up to us to receive it or reject it.

3 - Again, forgive humbly, and no, you don't have to subject yourself to any of it, but you should not be harsh and rude about it either.  A simple, Mom, when you can stop saying this or doing that, then please call me, I love you very much, but I can't allow you to speak to or do this to me anymore.  Tell her you love her though and forgive from your heart so that when she DOES come around, you can receive her with a clean heart and sincere love.  That doesn't mean walk away and don't check in on her, tell her this on each occurrance, but keep checking in with her.  She will get the message eventually.

Above all, pray for a change in your mother and siblings hearts.  Ask God to change their hearts and pray that God will make you strong and increase your faith.

God's blessings to you!

Answer 8

God forgives and forgets, (He remembers our sins no more) the bible says. Humans can forgive but it is difficult for us to forget.

If you have truly forgiven your mother then have peace in that knowledge. She might never accept that she has wronged you or accept that she is forgiven even if she did accept she was wrong but you have done what God expects of you in these matters and you should get on with your life.

You do not have to stay near her. She is responsible for her actions (even though she probably doesn't think that) and we all have to accept the consequences of our actions. It is not you who are deserting her, it is she who has driven you away. Staying could make you bitter, in time, and will affect your wife and others that are close to you. I pray that things will work out for you and that you will have peace with the decisions you make.

Answer 9

You do not have to continue to subject yourself to her manipulative and rude treatment. You need to treat her with respect but it is certainly ok to keep your distance. "As far as you are concerned be at peace with everyone". It is my opinion that you are expected to forgive her no matter what she does, but keep your distance - it is ok.

Answer 10

1. yes it's ok.  If they make you unhappy when you're around them and they won't change then there's no point in being there.

2.  yes you should forgive them but it doesn't mean you can't separate from them if they upset you.

3. forgive and move on with your life.  You're not obligated to take rude treatment from them.

Answer 11

I deal with that every day, but both of my parents are like that.  You have to just forgive them, there's nothing else you can do; it will poison you if you don't.

You sound like you don't spend that much time around your mom so it shouldn't be that much of a problem for you to handle.  I live with my folks and deal with that every day.  If I can handle two of them like that, you should be able to handle just your mom.  And I have no husband sitting by me to soothe my wounds either.  You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.  The Bible says "if you only love those who love you, why should you receive a reward?"  

The bible is clear; if we don't forgive others of their sins, God will not forgive our sins either.

Answer 12

Okay, I have never gone through what you have just described to be your life. I have never been in your shoes. I can't imagine what it feels like.

But can tell you this. God loves you. You have opened your heart and looked past the wrong or your mother. Always acknowledge that she is a part of you. Never forget her. You may move on. There will be times when your mother will ask for your help. At those moments you will need to decide what is best for you.

I suggest (not being rude) that instead of asking people in the world who you don't know about your family problems...ask God. He may take time. But he will help you.

Th lord loves you. No matter what.

Bless you for forgiving your mother.

All the best x

Answer 13

1. Yes, let her know you will not be around her if she is this way. But be loving.

2. Yes, cause you are supposed to let God handle it. He will heap a bunch of coal on their head if you stay loving.

3. No. you do not. Move on with your life, but let her know you love her. Share the gospel. Go here to www.wayofthemaster.com to get good tips.

Let her know she has transgressed God;s Holy Law. (Ten Commandments) . Ask her if she has lied, stole, used God;s name in vain, lusted (Jesus said Lust is Adultery in the Heart), etc. Let her know of Judgment day. And h**l. She will have admitted her sinful nature. Now you can administer the love of the Gospel of Salvation. Jesus' loving work on the Cross paid her fine for transgressing the Law and to avoid h**l. and all she has to do is Repent and Trust in Jesus Christ. The fruit of salvation will come after that.

You will have spread the Gospel and it will now be up to God.

Answer 14

1 Yes

2  Yes Forgive them.....anyway...and move foreward

3  Forgive her , love her , pray for her , put her in Gods hands , help anyway God leads you to , but Do Not condon or tolerate , or make excuses for them....it only makes what they do justified in their own eyes .

Read Gods Word , all these answers are there in it .

1 ) . Matthew 6:12 / Matthew 6:14 / Matthew 6:15 / Matthew 18:25 / Mark 11:25 / Mark 11:26 / Luke 6:37

2 ) . Luke 17:3 / 2 Corinthians 2:7 / 1 John 1:9

3 ) . Lametations 3:30 / Matthew 5:39 /  Luke 6:29 / Hsa 2:2

Answer 15

As a Christian you are called to honor/respect your parents.  However, that does not mean you have to submit yourself to abuse.  You can respect your mother from a distance by forgiving her, not badmouthing her to other family members, etc. But at the same time, you need to respectfully let her know you will not tolerate her manipulation rudeness any longer.  

I strongly suggest you read the book "Boundaries" written by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  In it they say "If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did.  This "ties" him to you and ruins boundaries.  Let the dysfunctional family you came from go.  Cut it loose and you will be free."  "It is much better to (forgive and) receive grace from God...  This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred (Prov 13:12)"

Above all, as in everything, pray and ask God for guidance.

Answer 16

Others have given good advice, & since you study the Bible you know already what Jesus said about forgiveness.

So I will just say, if you can truly forgive her, you yourself will be a much happier person.

Move on with your life, pray for her, but you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to her abuse.

God give you strength. <><

Answer 17

My mother was similar, though maybe not as controlling.  Out of her 7 children I am the one who can handle her best.  I did have a very hard time forgiving her, but to question #2, we are always to forgive.  

Matt. 6:14

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Because we have received complete forgiveness we are to give it, we deserved to die in our sin but Christ forgave us while we were yet sinners.  

Once forgiven, though, do you need to continue in that path?  No.  I don't think so.  I put boundaries between myself and my mom.  These are invisible boundaries, but I had to decide what I could live with and what I couldn't.  I had to say no to many things but it established the fact that she could not just run me over.  I do want, as a Christian, to love and respect my mother.  She is a Christian, too, and if nothing else, I owe her for my spiritual heritage.  But as you know Christian's aren't perfect.  We do need some boundaries that let others know what we are willing or able to do for them.  We need to know how much we can do for another person without hurting ourselves and we need to tenderly let them know.  

Knowing how much you are able to do for anyone or everyone else is very important to not burn you out.  Especially if you're married, this could hurt your marriage, so please consider everything with your wife in prayer together.  Every choice you make should include your wife, even if it is your mom.  :-)  

If your mother is not saved, you may want to be careful not to burn any bridges that could allow you later to lead her to Jesus.  Try to be as patient and kind as He Himself is with you.  He loves her.