Going through adoption from an <span title="adoptee>>orphaned>>foster?">adoptee>>orphaned>>foster...</span>

Question

My son who is 5 and has no relationship with bio sperm doner, because he chooses not to, and I fear the person he has become could harm my child. I am married, and my son and his step father are wonderful together. My son wants to be named after him, and calls him his "real" dad. In the last 5 years the bio sperm doner called me once, he asked why was HIS son calling someone else dad?

I of course blew up that he called, and for that. He has never called to see him. He has never called to find out how he is. I have let his other family members see him, and he may pop in for a moment, and at that time you see my son's disapointment.

My husband wants to adopt him, and my son wants that as well. My son says that he cannot remember what his bio sperm doner looks like, and they have no bond at all.

I am afraid because, my bio egg doner had another man adopt me that was not my bio father. She later in life said it was best becuase he had money. I will have to add!!!

Answer 1

I think you need to be very clear not to get your issues intertwined with your son&#039;s issues - that includes your non-relationship with your son&#039;s bio father.

I&#039;m not meaning this in a scathing way - it&#039;s just that from you question - it&#039;s obvious you really dislike the man - and your opinions would certainly be having an affect on your son. (know what I mean?!)

Your son is only 5 - no 5 year old can truly make such a monumental decision such as this - as they have not got the capacity to fully understand the implications that this can have - for the rest of his life.

His bio father has constantly let him and you down - but deep deep down - children just want their bio parents to love them.

When he grows up - he may want that link to that side of him - maybe even through another relative on his paternal side.

Adoption is forever - and it completely alters a child&#039;s birth certificate - with false information - then the original is sealed away forever. It&#039;s something that many don&#039;t even know about in adoption.

You have to make decisions that will affect him for the rest of his life - not just until he is 18 - as that is what adoption now means in the US.

I&#039;m not saying that adoption by your partner is the wrong thing to do - but I just think it needs more thought.

Your son obviously knows how you feel about his bio father - either from your words - or from how you act about the situation - and he probably wants to please you and your now partner.

It&#039;s a really hard situation - but you must make sure that you son isn&#039;t the &#039;piggy in the middle&#039; - and his rights and care must be your no.1 priority.

Changing names is usually much more important to adults than to children - so I&#039;d sway on the side of not changing it until he&#039;s much older, and can really have a proper say in the decision.

Children also don&#039;t need a legal piece of paper to call someone &#039;dad&#039;. He will know who to call what - again it&#039;s the adults that seem to need the piece of papers in these decisions.

What will happen to your son if something happens to you? Who do you wish to take care of him?

These implications must also be looked at.

Again - I&#039;m not trying to be hurtful - just trying to give you some things to think about.

I do hope that you don&#039;t call your son&#039;s bio father such names when he&#039;s around - as no matter what - your child is half made up of that man - he always will be - and saying that&#039;s bad - will make your son feel bad &amp; like a mistake. I&#039;m sure you wouldn&#039;t want him to feel that way.

I wish you both all the very best.

Answer 2

Like everyone else said, it&#039;s hard not to let your past influence you (I get caught up in my past too sometimes, probably nothing as severe as yours, but I do have issues and they influence me all the time). If the biological father is really not interested in your son, then ask him if he&#039;ll let your husband adopt the boy. I am not sure, but as far as I know, the biological dad needs to give permission also.

This is a tough situation, but a 5-yr old can&#039;t make this kind of decision, you have to do it for him. I really have no advice for you on this one. It&#039;s one of those, follow your gut instinct, things. Your son already considers your husband his father, so perhaps you can wait until he&#039;s older (say about 12) and then ask him again. I feel when it comes to situations like this, we have to put our own feelings aside for the sake of the child.

Keep asking his biological father if he wants to spend time with your son - however much this may irk you, your son has the right to know his father (I say this in the nicest possible way). If the bio father still refuses after some time (I&#039;d say a year, but this is up to you), bring up the adoption again.

Good luck to you, this is a very difficult place to be.

Answer 3

Have you been open to letting his bio dad see him, or have you been closed to the idea because you don&#039;t like him?  If he absolutely hasn&#039;t tried (although the fact that he asked about why another man calls your son dad, I wonder) does he pay child support?  You might try to say to him, if you&#039;ll sign consent to adoption forms for your husband to adopt the child, you&#039;ll never seek child support.  Otherwise, he&#039;s going to have to pay up.  This is a way for deadbeat dads to get rid of their obligations, and for children to get a life with someone who loves them.  Always keep copies of the bio dad&#039;s social security numbers, date of birth, etc, so that way, if your son needed anything medically, you can get it (like a bone marrow transplant).  Also, get a complete medical history at the same time from him.  Any family attorney ought to be able to handle a stepparent adoption, if he&#039;s willing to sign for it.  Good luck.

Answer 4

Please do not degrade your son by calling his father &quot;bio sperm donor&quot; infront og him. It is unfair to put adult problems on a young child.  You put this kinda baggage on him and will grow up with trust and emotional problems.

You and dad need to get together alone and decide what is in the best interest of your son.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

I have no idea what your question actually is.... and don&#039;t think that 5 year olds are ready to make decisions like this---it should be the responsibility of the parents to consider a child&#039;s best interest....

If you are calling your son&#039;s father a &#039;sperm doner&#039; then I am sure your 5 year old has no idea what a Bio Father means....frankly I doubt any kid that age actually gets it.... Maybe you should wait until your child actually understands....

...and I am sure it won&#039;t be healthy to raise your child hearing about 1/2 of his biology being called sperm doner....