Good age for visit to country of birth and birthparent reunion?

Question

My daughter was adopted from Taiwan as an infant. We plan to adopt again in the future, and our daughter will probably be about 5 or 6 years old when we return to her country of birth. We could request that the agency through which we adopted our daughter see if any members of her birth family or foster family would like to meet while we are there. (We did meet with both when we adopted her, and we send pictures and letters twice a year.) Should we do this? It's not like our daughter has been able to have a relationship with her birthfamily, so I don't know what impact it would have emotionally at that age. Also, should reunion be the adoptee's decision at an age when they are able to decide, or should we take any opportunity to have this contact while we can?

Answer 1

I think the earlier the better - and the more often (that money allows) the better.

It's better to start it young - and keep it going - instead of landing it on them way down the track.

Teen years are horrible enough - without the added stresses of being an adoptee - so any new info then would be hard to take - whereas - if it's an on-going life-time deal with contact - it's only going to become a more 'normal' part of your family.

It's how your family is formed - it's the adoptees reality - make it happen!!

I do hope her parents want contact.

I've got my fingers crossed for all of you.

Answer 2

Absolutely! Think of it as your child visiting a great aunt or other extended family members.  An extended family reunion.  How really GREAT of you as her mom to do!  What a gift of love to give your child.  Kids take their cues from the adults in their life. If you treat the visit as normal, she will feel comfortable.  

As an adoptee myself, when I met my first mom, I wished I could have at least known her - and my siblings - while growing up.

As TR reported, it may be far too painful for the first parents to participate. So please don't judge them as uncaring.

As for choosing reunion...I'd rather have chosen always KNOWING my family - even as extended family - than needing a reunion to get to know them.

Bless you!  Good luck...

Answer 3

I think that is a great idea.

Answer 4

While my first thought is that this is a little young, she is certainly old enough to understand her adoption.  I think she could benefit from it.  As a first parent myself, it would be a very painful experience, yet had I been given the opportunity, I would have availed myself of it simply to see how my child was doing.  Maybe include some cultural stuff I would have liked him to know.

Answer 5

I think the sooner she meets her family the better, especially since I am assuming you and your husband are not from Taiwan.  The impact of the question "Who do I look like?"  is so powerful.  I know for myself it would have been very comforting to have met some bfamily.  And, since you never know what is going to happen, this might be the last chance to meet someone.  Life is full of surprises, and not all of them are good.  

Reunion should be the adoptee's choice, yes definitely.  But you are absolutely fooling yourself if you think that waiting until she is 18 or 21 should be the reason to delay meeting her family.  If you can make this happen for her NOW, you should do it...because it is the right thing to do.  I presume it will be hard for you, but do it for her.

Also, when you mention that "It's not like our daughter has been able to have a relationship with her birthfamily..."  I understand that you are pointing out that she was adopted as an INFANT, did not live with them during her life.  But, I do hope that you realize that her family is still her family.  Your daughter has TWO families...and it will be better for her if they overlap a bit.

Answer 6

Hi Erin,

I think the first thing i would do is contact the agency now and see if there is any one in your DD's first family willing to meet with your daughter.  I'm sure there is:)

Next, I do believe its the adoptees choice.  However, if you have done your parenting right she will want to see her first family.  Hmmm,  I'll give you my daughters words to clarify.

"Are you open to meeting your First Mother? Its your choice."

"If she's my family and she loves me like you say, why wouldn't i want to meet her?"  (I know i'm biased but isn't she the BEST!)

Good Luck, Erin.

*****Ok just woke up and realized i didn't answer your question.  Oooops.  I know at your daughter's young age she won't completely understand it all.  I think that it is better you try for a visit at this young age b/c you never know what might happen. (death)  This way, she might at least have a memory of her first family.

I truly believe this is a memory she will treasure.  I'm sure your daughter, when she is older, will appreciate your efforts, strength, and love by respecting her relationship with her first family.

Knowing you from here, i have every faith that no matter what may come up as a result from the visits you will handle it gracefully.  I trust that the words will come to you.  And if words fail you at the moment just use this board for support.  I'm sure you'll find no shortage of people telling you what to do.  lol. :)

Trust your gut!

Answer 7

As an adoptee myself, I would recommend going in her Tween years. Too early..she won't remember enough of it to carry her through. (How much do you remember at 5 -6 years old?) Too late..she will struggle through stuff that you would have covered in country. Between the ages of 9 -13 I really wanted to know more about who I was.

www.adoptive-parenting.com

Answer 8

We are thinking of a Liberia trip in 5-6 years, assuming that the political climate remains safe to travel.  I'd feel better if the US State Department travel advisory is off Liberia.

Answer 9

I think it's a good idea. Around 10 would be a good age. if your going there do you or her speak Chinesse (sorry i dont know how to spell that) because if her parents live in China they probably speak Chineese.