Good and bad experiences?

Question

If an adoptee had a "bad" adoption experiece, does that negate someone else's "good" experience?

Conversely, if you know an adoptee who had a "good" experience, does that cancel out someone who had a "bad" experience?

The reason I ask this is, because it seems like this is type of fuzzy logic is used quite often to try to minimize or dismiss someone's point of view when they are trying to make a valid point based on their own personal life experience.

So what do you think...does one cancel out the other, or are both equally valid and important?

Answer 1

I had a bad 'experience'.  So did my 2 bio sibs.  We had 'parents' who were not emotionally healthy.

I have not lived with them for 25 years.  I have had lots of therapy.  I have read adoption books.  I have been a 'student' of adoption for life.  I have a happy marriage, and three children. I have been in reunion with my mother (who my children call ‘grandma’, since I know this is important to the social worker).

THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY BAD EXPERIENCE.  I am capable of separating my bio family, from my adoptive family 'experience' from ADOPTION.  Just like a divorce might affect kid in a bio family as an EXPERIENCE.  Whether or not my aparents were wonderful or not, I have grown up adopted.

I don't know what to say to people who can separate these things. I would guess there hasn't been much inner-work or self reflection for whatever reason.

I am not here to grind my ax.  I don't want adopted children to grow up with the kind of pain I did, which has nothing to do with my bad experience.  Being an adopted kid sucks.  I want to make it easier for THEM.  

I get so freaking tired of PAPs & APs whining about it.  "Well, if you adoptees would just make your points RESPECTFULLY”, blah, blah.  Do you think people are RESPECTFUL to your kids?!  Not a chance.

Answer 2

No they don't negate each other.

I tend to think "experience" has very little to do with the adoption discussion.  It isn't my experience that leads me to my belief attitudes about adoption need to change.

My experience happens to be good.  But I know many have had bad experiences.  I don't think mine cancel out others.  Nor do I think the experience of others should cancel out mine.

But it isn't a question of experience.  It's a question of the nature of adoption itself.  People with both good and bad adoption experiences believe that there are problems with adoption.

Answer 3

I think what people need to realize if they haven't already, is that an experience with an adoption process doesn't need to reflect the experience with ones own "adoptive ******"

My experience with the PROCESS of adopting my son was a bad one, for a few reasons, but my my experience with my adopted child is great. Two different things.

Answer 4

No, they don't negate one another. Not at all. We should always try to help and understand those who are in pain.

If one baby is asleep and the other is awake and crying, wouldn't you try to soothe the crying baby? That's how we should treat not only babies, but all people.

ETA:

I would like to rephrase, I'm glad that some have had a good adoption experience, I hope they will help those who haven't.

Answer 5

No, they are both real and valid.  But the problem comes in when those with "good" experiences speak for all adoptees or conversely when those with "bad"  experiences speak for all.   I don't think people mean to come across as dismissive, they just are trying to make sure their particular point of view is heard.  Everyone wants the opporunity to tell their own story.  Everyone wants to be "heard."

Answer 6

No, a bad experience does not negate the postive for anyone.  Just because an adopted parent has a bad experience with a social worker or agencies,  can't assume that adoption will be hard for everyone.

Answer 7

As the mother of a 20 year old adopted daughter, I can truthfully say that I feel no different toward her than I do the three children that I gave birth to.  I have raised her since she was 7 months old.

She has met her birth mother but thinks of me as her Mom and tells me she is so happy that I raised her.  She doesn't hold any resentment toward her birth mother...rather sees her as a source of information regarding family medical conditions, etc.

Lots of people have had crappy childhoods ~ I don't think it has anything to do with adoption.   Kids don't come with a manual and some adults just aren't great parents.  As long as there isn't abuse involved you just grow up and deal with it and try to be a better parent yourself one day.  Adoptive or not.

Answer 8

Heard AND validated cruzgirl....

it's easy to be misunderstood over this tech machine.

Answer 9

I agree with you and like your point... but if someone disagrees it will cancel out my answer.  ;0)

I am glad you bring this up because it seems like that is what fuels alot of the anger in this category.

Answer 10

No they don't cancel each other out & they shouldn't. I think, like someone already said, people are just trying to get their point across to people & in turn, that makes the other people feel like their point is being dismissed & irrelevant & then everything gets all heated & nasty because someone always takes offense to it. Isn't it funny how we're all trying to fight the same system, yet so much divided? I think we all need to stop taking offense when someone says either, "I'm sorry if you've had a bad adoption experience, but..." or "I'm glad if you've had a good adoption experience, but..." Neither are meant to dismiss anyone else's point, nor is it meant to offend anyone.