Good jokes to make me laugh?

Question

hi does any one have a good joke for me i'm having a pretty bad day and need some cheerin up

Answer 1

Presently this one is my fav joke:

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Answer 2

your mama so old when she farts, dust blows out her crack!

Answer 3

what do you get when you cross a spider with a horse?

a:I don't know either but if it bites you can ride it to the hospital.

Answer 4

This young man comes home from Ranger school, and tells his dad about what they had him do.

"they tried to make me jump out of an air plane !! but i looked out the door and knew there was no way i would do it!!"

"then my drill sargeant came up to me and said if i didn't jump, he was gonna stick his baton up my hind end!!!"

his dad asked him, "did you jump?"

"A little at first!!"

and my other joke is :

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

CHOKED!!!

Answer 5

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is s******g the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of sh*t."

Answer 6

A blond from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Answer 7

A black man walks into a bar full of white people........

"A White man said, "Colored people are not allowed here, "

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said:

"Listen a*****e...... when I was born, I was BROWN, "

"when I grew up, I was BROWN, "

"when I'm sick, I'm BROWN, "

"when I go in the sun I'm BROWN, "

"when I'm cold, I'm BROWN, "

"when I die, I'll be BROWN, "

"But you a*****e..........."

"When you're born, you're pink, "

"when you grow up, you're white, "

"when you're sick, you're green, "

"when you go in the sun, you turn red, "

"when you're cold, you turn blue, "

"And when you die, you turn purple, "

"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

So s***w you" "