Good news my sister is interested adopting my my unborn?

Question

The only thing she want us to do is being my own child aunt. and Hide the truth for the rest of his lifes, that my sis is the real birth mom, do you think this plan will work out for all of us?

Answer 1

No.  Everyone around you knows you are pregnant.  Everyone around your sister knows she is not pregnant.  Someone at some point will tell your child the truth and it won't be you or your sister.  Absolutely terrible.  It's also the ultimate betrayal of your child's fundamental right to know from whom he comes from.

What does the father of your child say about this plan?

Answer 2

Yes, if your sister will be a good mother then I think this plan could work out for all of your family.  You will be able to continue seeing your child and will get a chance for hugs and kisses as the "aunt."  My only concern is the time will come when your child will need to know the truth about its real birth mother.  Why not allow the baby to grow up knowing the truth?  It's not shameful, it's a very loving decision for everyone concerned.

Answer 3

No matter how hard you try someone will let the adoption info slip. Just think of one of your cousins speaking in front of their child whom they think is not listening and that child talks to your child/nephew/neice. It can come from the tiniest mispoken sentance.

Also when the doctors do a family medical history it is next ot impossible not to have to say something that may tweek the child's curiosity.

Perhaps you and your sister can explain to the child from the get go that you felt she (and I presume her husband) could do a better job of being a parent and that your families customs would allow her to be the mother while you were still able to be an important part of his/her life and thus bring no shame upon the family. If the child knows this from the get go and you are a loving part of it's life the child should not suffer the anxiety of rejection that many adoptees deal with. If raised with the same true respect for family customs he/she may even find that you did a noble thing for the whole family and thus respect you and your decision.

Work out the ground rules with your sister (and brother-in-law) in advance. As a lawyer you know that there are many topics such as education, housing, money, etc (talk to a divorce lawyer to look at the topics they deal with) that you should talk about. Find the defining line between loving Aunt that you will be and the Mom that you will always be too. You will have no say as Mom...it will be as aunt.

Have a document drawn up stating that should your sister and brother-in-law die while the child is a minor that you are to be guardian and then reasume your role as mother legally.

Please don't try to lie to the child, my inlaws did to my husband and after a family member let something slip he confronted his (crying) mother for the truth (at 27 years old) and it devistated him.

Answer 4

and what will you do with the next one? do you have enough sisters?  are you the baby machine of the family?  that poor child will grow thinking he/she has a normal family, until your conscience eats away at you year after year, and you drop the bomb, because you can't hide it any more. you need help.

mark my words, you will see things you don't like, in the raising of that child, and the game will unravel.

i pitty you and that child.

Answer 5

Nope, I sure dont.  You are always going to want a part in that babies life and you will interfer rather you mean to or not.  I adopted a child and let the mother keep contact and I'll tell you if I had it to do all over I would have made her break the contact.  It was trouble from day one.  

Maybe you are someone who can keep your mouth shut but if my child needed me I sure couldnt.

Answer 6

it would work... for  you and your sister...but is that fair to the child to never know who his birth mom is?

Answer 7

No,cuz it seems as though you are already emotionally tied to the child.I didnt understand the question the first time

Answer 8

No it will not "work out" for all of you. Lies and deception have a way of coming into the open, no matter how hard people try to keep the secret, and hurting everybody involved. The child has the most chance of being terribly hurt and would have no reason to trust anyone in her family.

This is a horrible idea.

Answer 9

Probably not very well. I think it will be difficult for you to keep up with the charade, not to mention, of course the child will learn one day the truth and probably resent you all for lying to him/her. There is nothing wrong with adoption. You all need to teach the child that from the start, otherwise when they do learn the truth (and they deserve to and eventually will) he/she won't think it was because of something he/she did wrong. Find a biography on Jack Nicholson who learned the truth once he was middle aged. Perhaps you would do better putting your child up for adoption outside of your own home.

Answer 10

This definetly does not sound like it's in the best interest of the child, and would lead me to believe that your sister sees adoption as a "shameful secret".

  

   Also, these things tend to eventually come out into the open, and how do you think he would feel if he found out as an adult that not only was he adopted, but that he's been lied to his whole life.

   If you choose to place him for adoption please find a family who is comfortable with adoption, and will allow him to know the truth of his adoption story, and feel good about himself.

Answer 11

NO! Why should an innocent baby be brought into a faimily of liars... WHO is going to teach this child to be truthful.The child will find out sooner then later. The baby should know from the beginning who its birth mother is.How would you like it now if your mother told you your aunt was your birthmother.. thats a shocker..1st question why did you lie to me all my life.Parents have responsibilities to be truthful to there children ignorance is not bliss!

Answer 12

Well if that is what u think is best and its a good thing that yourkeeping the baby in the family

Answer 13

It's going to be hard no matter what, but if it's a decision based on what's good for your child, do what is best for him/her.  Do what will give your baby the better life, especially if there is someone who is willing to give a better life to your baby.

Answer 14

I think that this situation is going to be tricky!  It may work out for all involved, but you need to decide if this is something that you can live with for the rest of your life.  If you think that you can do this, then yes, it can work out, but what if something happens to the child and it gets sick and they need blood or bone marrow or something from the birth parents, then that can start some problems as it will confuse the child and the child may end up resenting you and your sister for lying for the childs entire life.  It can get very messy.  I guess these are the things you need to consider before accepting your sisters offer (which is very amazing and generous).  I would suggest that you discuss this in depth with your sister as there could be certain circumstances that may arise during the childs life that you will both need to agree on how to handel.   Good luck

Answer 15

That would out better than giving your child away to some strangers, at theast this way you get to see and play with your child and someone else take care of it, it could not end up with anything better than this...

Answer 16

i think it sounds great b/c at least this way you can see the baby all you want and be just as close to the baby as you would like. i would take the offer if adoption is the route you are wanting to take. it dont get much better as far as adoption goes. congrats and i think god is on your side.

Answer 17

There's nothing wrong with having your sister adopt your child, and an aunt-type relationship with him or her would not be inappropriate.  BUT-- I do feel that your child needs to be told the truth as soon as he or she is old enough to understand.  After all, it will come to light sooner or later.

Answer 18

No, in my estimation, it is not good to ''hide the truth" when

it comes to a child's life...you and your sister can do a

"shared custody" or shared guardianship, or you can

give her guardianship, and you retain your custody rights

"as the birth parent".

I think both of you aren't thinking clearly, for if you did, you

would know that this is a human being you are trying to

''juggle'' between the two of you...

If your sister, really has ''sisterly love'' for you, she would not

even suggest a thing like that. either.

You would both be ''cheating that child, from KNOWING...

and Risk that Child being HURT, emotionally in the future".

Be sure and think all angles through...before that child is

exchanged...

There is just to much help available, for you, as the birth

mother, and you will be able to get financial benefits...

As the birth mother, you can State Your Purposes, in a

Legal Paper, and THEN PRESENT THEM TO YOUR

SISTER...for you should never do anything about a child,

WITHOUT GOING THRU LEGAL CHANNELS TO GET IT

DONE.  You could easily ruin any closeness you and your

sister have...

That child should have Every Opportunity to know both of

you, should you treat the child like it should be treated...

you did not state your age, or much about your circum-

stances, so we hardly know how to answer your question,

to satisfaction...

I think it was Bette Davis that was in a movie about some-

thing like that...and it didn't work, out in the movies either..

Right now the best thing you can do is ''concentrate on the

pregnancy'' to make sure that the baby is healthy and

safe, from harm, of any kind...by the time it arrives.

You just never know what might happen either.

I do hope it's a beautiful baby, because when you go thru

the suffering of the delivery, and that baby is handed to

you and you look into the eyes of that baby and ''connect''

to it, you won't regret the connection you make at that very

instant,...for True Love...is there, if you just look for it...and

you will wonder about the precious gift that God has given

to you, and now you will have a responsibility, of being a

mother...and if you gave the baby away, there is an empti-

ness of motherhood that follows...and I would not recom-

mend that...but as I said we don't know your circumstances.

Don't let your sister be that selfish, as to ''cheat'' your baby

out of knowing who gave birth to the baby.

As your baby grows, do you, yourself want to be ''cheated''

out of going to school activities, on behalf of that child???

Ask yourself, if you want to miss out on all those type of

joys????? You might never have a chance for that again...

Things like this aren't to funny, but I do go by....Too Funny

God be with you, as you treasure the moments.....

Answer 19

Your child has the right to know who his or her birthparents are.  Your plan will end up being incredibly hurtful to all involved.

Answer 20

Uh, everyone maybe except for.....the child!

This is just wrong.  Every child deserves to know who they are, who they came from.  It is a very basic truth.  When we don't have this truth, we spend our lives searching for it.

From your posts, I would have to say, in the best interest of your child, rethink adoption through an agency that has totally committed, approved and educated adoptive parents.  Give this kid a chance.

Just my perspective......

Answer 21

No, it's wrong.  Even if you and the rest of your family could somehow deal with the guilt of a HUMONGOUS lie, it would never, ever, be the right thing to do to your child.  Please choose another family.

Answer 22

sweetie, the truth will always come out.  please don't lie to the child.  we know of three adoptions just in our small circle of family and friends - the first male was never told he was adopted and he found out when a visiting relative spilled the beans.  sadly he took the news badly, left home, and has never seen his adopted family since, its been 30 years since he left.  that tiny little lie caused such heart ache in his family.

-second male, never knew 'til his adopted mother in a moment of anger 'wished she could send him back to his real mother'.  he was devastated.  the wound has never healed but he has stayed in the family circle - the only difference is he is on the outside looking in.  its very sad.

the third - adopted parents told their new son his own special bedtime story every night - a story about how his mum loved him so much that she couldn't bear to see him do without things she couldn't give him - time, love, attention, family life, education, etc.  he has grown up knowing his parents adopted him and he is secure in the knowledge that not only they loved him, but 'she' loves him too.  

please don't lie to the child, tell him the truth.  if your sister wants to base her entire life and her full relationship with a child on a lie then she isn't thinking clearly and you need to re-evaluate who you allow to adopt this child.  

the truth will always come out - accidently, or in the heat of the moment, or if medical issues come up, any one of a thousand scenarios come to mind.  and they all will hurt this child when he finds out the truth!

god bless you and your little one!

take good care!

Answer 23

No, this is a terrible idea. The child deserves to know the truth. This type of lie will create a very dysfunctional situation for everyone. This happened to someone I know and when she finally found out, she was DEVASTATED. Don't do it!