Got any GOOD jokes? I could use a laugh or two tonight?!

Question

Do you have any GOOD jokes that you may of heard lately. I don't care how long they are just how funny they are. If you got a some-what funny one, I can settle for that. Best answer gets all five or six stars.

Answer 1

heres one that i luv! its old though

ok so there r two muffins in an oven. one says to the other "Man its hot in here!" then the other one says "holy c**p a talking a muffin!"

lol

eats a cookie. sees a dog. dog tries to get cookie. NO ITS MY COOKIE! runs around screaming. NOOO ITS MY COOKIE!. eats cookie. yay!  dances

Answer 2

*theres a blonde, burnette, and a red head. they r about 2 jump off a cliff. this cliff lets u say somethin right b4 u jump off that u want 2 turn in2. the red head jumps off a says "bird" and turns in2 a bird and flys away. the burnette jumps off and says "plane" and turns in2 a plane and flys away. the blonde was about 2 jump off but tripped on a rock and said "oh c**p" and turned in2 p**p. :)

*y did the turtle cross the road?

2 get 2 the shell station

*wat color is a burp?

burple

*y did the man freeze his money?

he wanted cold, hard cash

*y did tigger look inside the toilet?

he was looking for pooh

*wat word is always spelled incorrectly?

incorrectly

*wat do u call a teacher that doesnt f**t in public?

a private tooter

Answer 3

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

Answer 4

Scientists have found a new viagra that dissolves in tea, it doesn't do anything for ur se x life, but it stops ur biscuits going soggy when u dunk them in

XD

Answer 5

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"  

Answer 6

language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Answer 7

they were all funny huh. thanx for asking that question/ i needed a laught too.

Answer 8

you are the joke lol classic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Answer 9

A man is lying in bed with his new girlfriend, and after having great s*x, she spends the next hour stroking his p***s, something she loves to do.

With eyes closed, he whispers, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'

She replies, 'Because I really miss mine'.

Answer 10

A man and a woman have bought a pack of condoms with different flavours.

the man says:

- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:

woman replys:

- Gorgonzola!

he replys:



- Wait, it is not on yet.