Got any good jokes ?

Question

if so plz let's hear them!

Answer 1

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her b***s.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her *** instead.

She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the h**l is Bob?" the husband replies.

Answer 2

Four guys are applying for a job. Only one of them can make it though. So the boss of the company decided to ask them a few questions. The last question decided everything:

What did they think was the fastest thing in the world?

The first man replies: "It's electricity. It moves from one point, to another instantly."

The second man replies: "Its the human thought. We can think of new things in an instant!"

The third man replies: "It's the human blink. It's so fast that we don't even notice that we do it!"

The final man replies: "It's diarrhea!"

The boss says: "Can you explain yourself?"

The man says: "Of course. Before you have the time to think, blink or turn on your light, you already crapped yourself!"

...That man got the job!

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There once was a guy who meet a women in a bar. They hanged out and got drunk; the lady asks the guy if he would like to go back to her place and the guy said yes

So off they went once the door opened bam! they started to go at it. They reached the bed half way naked. The guy is doing it and there was a picture of a man on top of the bed and will there still in the action

The guy asks: 'who is that guy right there in the picture, is that your boyfriend?' She says: 'No'. 'Is that your brother?' She says: 'No'. 'Is that your dad?' She says 'No'. So the guys asks her: 'Well who is it?'

She says 'That's me before my surgery!!!!' lol

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

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A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great s*x, she spent the next hour just stroking his p***s, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

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A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ****?

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Answer 3

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

Sign of the Times  





      - Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed."

      - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."

      - Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

      - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

      - Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

      - Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you."

      - At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

      - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

      - Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

      - On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts."

      - In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

      - On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push."

      - At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

      - On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."

      - In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."

      - On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."

      - On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

      - At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

      - Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

      - Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

      - On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

      - In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "

      - At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

      - On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."

      - In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

      - Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

      - In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

      - In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.