Grammatical errors?? please check. it will take like 30 seconds and 10 points!?

Question

my daughter is emailing her teacher

and i dont think there are any errors but i practically failed english so here it is:

Ms. Burning,

Hello, this is Alicia Schmit. Unfortunately chorus was not on my original schedule, and try as we might, Mr. Kerrigan and I have found no way to resolve this. It simply will not fit. However, I was wondering if there is any possibly way I could still try out for show choir and join girl's choir for the 08/09 school year. All I want to do is sing, and if you could help me that would be great.

Best regards,

Alicia Schmit

(its a lettter to the choir director)

Answer 1

The main improvement I would suggest is in the first line.

My name is Alicia Schmit and I am looking for help.

Unfortunately etc.......

Try not to be so friendly but then again not too distant. Sound respectful but not begging. Hope this helps

Answer 2

I think it's fine as written, although you don't need the first sentence. In the fourth sentence, change "possibly" to "possible".

You don't want it to sound like something your daughter had you write, after all. It doesn't have to be formal.

I hope she gets in the choir!

Answer 3

I don't see anything except a missing comma after "if you could help me."  

Yes!  I did not  catch the "possibly."

Answer 4

Mrs. Burning,

Unfortunately chorus was not on my original schedule and try as we might, Mr. Kerrigan and I have found no way to resolve the scheduling problem.  Chorus simply will not fit. I was wondering if there is any possible way I could still try out for show choir and join girls' choir for the 08/09 school  year.  All I want to do is sing and if you could help me that would be great.  Thank you.

Best regards,

Alicia Schmit

Try this and I hope everything is all right.  I cannot see well tonight.

Answer 5

Dear Ms. Burning,

I am Alicia Schmit and I need to discuss my class scheduling. Unfortunately, chorus was not on my original schedule, and try as we might, Mr. Kerrigan and I have not found a way to resolve this.

I was wondering if there is any possibly way I could still try out for show choir and join girl's choir for the 2008-2009 school year? All I want to do is sing, and I would deeply appreciate it if you could help me. Thank you for your assistance in this area.

Respectfully,

Alicia Schmit