Grandma given 2 months to live, but granddaughter refuses to go say goodbye. Make her go or not?

Question

My mom was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last week. We are heading out to visit her and say goodbye. It's a 10 hour drive. 17 year old tells me "I don't do dead people". She gets very upset when we talk about it. Grandma is still doing fine, but she is 74. What are some things that I can say to my daughter. I told her I wouldn't force her to come with us, but I also told her that I needed her to think about it.

Answer 1

It could be that she doesnt want to remember her grandmother that way. If anything make her take the drive there, if she changes her mind then she will be able to see her. You should sit her down and talk to her about how she feels and express to her how you feel about seeing your mother ill. She may not know how to handle this situation,is this this 1st time she is dealing with death? I dont "do funerals...I only go b/c I feel obligated. I really wish not to remember a person in a casket, rather when they were alive. Some ppl look down on this thought, but its how I feel about death and dying.

Answer 2

tell her that her grandmother paved the way for her...Everone gets old and they die and hopefully she will live a long life and have a large family and when she get's older she will want to see ALL of her children before she goes.  She must not forget that she is a child of her grandmother.  You may want to push for her to go.  This is just for respect of your mother if anything.  Think about if you were dying and your daughter just decided she wouldn't come see you because she doesn't do dead people.  She has to understand that death is natural and at 17 she has a heck of a lot more death to deal with before her own

Answer 3

Tell her that her grandma is very sick. Is she very close to her grandma? That she have to pay her respect now when her grandma can still appreciate it. If she does not want to talk or will be upset once there then fine, but she should at least go and try. Tell her there are some things in life that we may not want to face or do but we have to because it is the proper thing to do.

Answer 4

explain to her that this is her last chance whether she likes it or not. If she does not go, then she will more than likely regret it for the rest of her life, i know from personal experience. I would force her to go, even if she gets upset with you, she will realize later in life that it was the best thing. Also, ask her how she thinks that her grandmother would feel, would she want to upset her in her last two months of life, I hate to say it but it is almost selfish of your daughter to not want to say goodbye. But at seventeen they are in an attitude phase so good luck and I hope she decides to go...........everyone keeps saying well maybe she doesnt want to remember her like that, well you said she is still doing ok, so why not go now, and then if she doesnt want to go to the funeral dont make her.

Answer 5

make her go! she will regret not going once her grandma dies

Answer 6

i dont think u should force her to go .. if she cant handle it then she shouldnt see it an she could talk to her on the phone or write a letter to her and say how she feels about her .. my husbands g-mother recently passed away and our son didnt wont to go and we didnt make him he said he wonted to remember her the way she was not dead .. sorry about the diagnosis of ur mother !! god bless yall

Answer 7

say its the last time she'll hear her voice,or see her awake

Answer 8

Its very hard to coup with someone dieing and if she doesn't like talking about it how will she act there but i think she should go if she really cares about your mother because she might regret it later  [Sorry For The Passing]

-Demitri-  

Answer 9

I can understand where your daughter is coming from.  When my grandmother died I wasn't there because it was too hard for me to see her like that.  My grandmother and I weren't close and it was still hard.  I attended her funeral which is the first one I ever attended.  If she can;t go and see her grandmother because it is too hard for her to see her like that maybe you can have her write her grandmother a letter or call her.

Answer 10

Let me admit that this question struck a strong cord with me, because my own mother is in the hospital in need of a triple-bypass surgery.  The doctor informed her today that they won't do it because they don’t think she’ll survive the surgery (due in part to other health issues).  So, I’m sitting here waiting for her to talk to another doctor tomorrow (to see if there’s any alternative) and trying to decide what to do (we were planning on going down for Christmas, but she may not make it that long).  I was upset and crying and my kids (18 & 14) wanted to know what was going on, so my husband told them.  Their immediate response was, “When are we leaving to go down?” (and it’s a 16 hour drive).

Had their response been a rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate, “I don’t do dead people” I would have been seething.  And my response to that certainly would not have been “I won’t force you to go”

Your daughter is 17, not 7, she’s more than capable of handling this, although granted it may not be an easy thing for her to do and she may need lots of support from you.  

I’m sure her grandmother wants to see her before she dies and would find comfort in that, and THAT should be your number one concern at this point.  Tell daughter, “She’s not dead yet, so I’m not asking you to ‘do dead people’.  You’re going with us.”

Answer 11

Forcing her is probably the best you can do. She'll be greatful later. "I don't do dead people" is a sorry-*** excuse and annoying as well. It's her grandmother! If she doesn't do this, she's going to regret it the REST of her LIFE.

Answer 12

My grandfather just died of lung cancer. He was 74 too. I went to visit him when he was still well enough to talk and be aware. It was so hard to see him knowing he wouldn't be around for much longer especially since it came so suddenly. When I went to see my grandpa in the hospital as he was unconscious, in pain and dying, I was SO thankful that I went to see him when he could still be aware that I was there. It was the last chance I had to communicate with my grandpa.

Hopefully you can help your daughter understand that she may not have many more chances like that with her grandmother. Let her know that the time she spends with her is precious and that she may come to regret it if it is lost. I know I certainly would have.  

Answer 13

I would force her to go. If she is still doing fine it is the last time she will ever see her. I did this with my uncle and although he was doing very poorly I was glad I went. I told him how much I loved him.

Answer 14

I just lost my Grandmother 3 weeks ago, she was 91 years old. It was very hard for me to say good bye and to let go!! They say when you live past 70 you have basically lived a full life! Everything will be ok the hard part is just letting go! She will regret it if she doesn't.Don't force her if she doesn't want but be prepared for alot of counsiling especially if she was close to her!!!  

Answer 15

If you force her, how will she act when she's there? If she's the type that is not going to be very happy, and act unpleasantly towards your mom, then its not about regretting not seeing her for the last time.. it's regretting she acted a certain way.

Answer 16

Sounds cool exactly what you told her... She may just be dealing with it in a way that seems cold to you, but everyone has to deal with it in her own way. You could try to let her know it's not really about you guys, but about just giving her grandma a chance to see her again.  

Answer 17

Did she drop any good loot?

Answer 18

Yes, make her go.  If not she will regret it later.  My grandmother passed away last year from cancer and my aunt and cousin didn't even go to the funeral....they thought going overseas was more important.  I can't stand either one of them.  

Sorry about your mother.  

Answer 19

My Mom just died (9 hours ago).  I didn't want to go back to the hospital, I was just there Tuesday.  But I had to be there for my sister.  Even if your teen doesn't 'do' dead people, ask her about the living.  It's a show of respect and family bonds to go.  If she's going to throw a temper tantrum, like a small child, make sure that she knows that she will be treated like a small child.  Let her know and understand this by arranging for a babysitter for her in case she refuses to go.  I recommend an older woman who might also understand your teens fear of death.

Sorry about your Mom.

Answer 20

i'd force her, it's her grandma for christ sakes!!