Grieving Overweight 10 yr old that needs discipline? Help? ASAP!!!!?

Question

Long story short: Nephew's mother murdered. Nephew lived with father and gained a lot of weight. Father hits nephew's sister. They go over to my mothers and explain everything to her. Mom calls authorities and gets temporary custody of children.

I don't blame him. I blame his father and that side of the family...but my Nephew needs DISCIPLINE! My mother is 56 yrs old and weighs 80 lbs! Nephew is 10 and weighs 115!

Mom's issues w/ nephew:

A) He clings onto her, sits in her lap, sleeps with her, steals the covers, lays on her, tugs on her, everything imaginable! And my mother loves him to death, but is suffering!

B) Nephew can't entertain himself. Too dependent. Don't blame him though.

C) He always wants to eat. He eats more than 2 plates full in one meal. Immediately after that he asks what they're eating for the next meal. Not exzaggerating!

He used to do this with my sister before she was killed. Need help! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

He did this with your sister and now he still needs to feel a part of her.  If he has to give this up, he has to give up his mother.  He needs some grief counseling.  I'm not big on counselors, but this is one that is very hard to deal with and he needs to learn to move on.  Just let him know that his mother didn't leave him, she just went ahead to Heaven to make a path for him when he is very old and that she will have made it perfect for him.

Answer 2

It's no surprise that he is deeply attached to your mother.  I think that this boy has been through some serious trauma and needs professional help.  I would recommend finding him a therapist who specializes in children who have lost a parent.  Also he seems to have been exposed to a lot of violence.  He probably needs a lot of physical affection to counter act the real fears that he is experiencing.  I think trying to impose too much discipline at this time would be a disaster!  As for the food.  Ask your mom to make only enough food so that everyone gets one portion.  She could also make a chart of what the menu will be for the day or week, and then stick to it.  I'm sure the eating is emotional and would stop if he gets some help through therapy.  Also, it may be difficult for him, but try to get him involved in some activity like Karate or Boxing.  Learning how to physically defend himself and let out his aggression, might really help him feel empowered.  Good luck, be patient and kind.

Answer 3

He is trying to cope and you sound like you're on the right path by taking him in, God bless you. He needs therapy. They clingyness, and overeating are reactions to stress and trauma. Some kids are destructive, some kids begin wetting their pants and beds, everyone is different.

Start with balanced meals and correct portions. Any snacks must be a fruit or vegetable, not junk food. Make him drink plenty of water, limit the soda. Take him to a park or somewhere outside to get some exercise. Play with him, don't just watch. When you're tired, say so, and take a break. Honesty is what he needs to hear , and stability is what he's after. So consistency is the key here. Try and have bedtime and meal routines that are set in stone. These 2 things are what kids who have had trauma need to feel loved and safe. When he sleeps with you, make sure he has his own blanket. Also make sure he spends some nights in his own bed. Any wetting accidents should be cleaned up by both of you. (boys tend to do this under stress), followed by tons of understanding, hugs and kisses. I cannot stress hugs and kisses enough. Kids from bad homes, that we have watched, are never kissed and hugged. They are never consoled when sad or hurt, and are usually viewed as "in the way" of adults. That's why he's clingy .They also are not regularly fed, hence the eating of everything in sight. Once again routines and rules will make him feel loved and wanted, as well as make his stay with you livable. Give him some chores, start off with small things like setting the table and clearing it after.

He needs an outlet. Maybe a sport of some sort. She needs to shower him with hugs and kisses, but explain that he can hurt her if he's too rough. Remember, he witnessed a woman being hit and pushed around, right? Explain to him that behavior like that is not tolerated and people that love each other are gentle and kind to each other. Don't push him away, he needs to cling to her for now, but set limits.

Answer 4

well don't buy groceries that are fattening... let him learn to go for healthy meals only. don't have snacks laying around (chips, ice cream, cheez its, granola bars, etc) only apples, bananas, oranges, carrots, etc.

make it required that he go outside on a walk, play a sport, or do something active every day. if he says no... then take something he loves to do away from him (tv, computer, bike, ipod, cell phone, etc)

talk to him about the issues, dont yell, but help him understand. i know hes young... but you MUST treat him like a pre-teen atleast and not a child anymore...

Answer 5

I think that he needs love. I mean with everything that happened you can not blame your nephew for the way he is. Being overweight is sometimes a phase that people go through when something tragic happens. Even if it is a phase you should try to help change what he eats. Telling your nephew that he is fat and that he needs to lose some weight will encourage him more to eat and will make him guilty so please don't try that. Try to make healthy and yummy meals for him so that things that taste good can be healthy for him.

Answer 6

Wow that is so sad. Well, this kid is in need of a lot of attention and sadly it seems that he is turning to food for comfort.

I know your mother raised her own kids and shouldn't have to raise a whole other set, but what she did by taking them in is admirable and that is really good of her.

Show your nephew that you love him and care about him. Take him to the movies, or bowling or some place where he can go and have fun. Your mother could try and do this too. Also, as for him sleeping with her...can you blame the kid? He lost his mother and from what it seems his father wasn't a nice, loving person so he is just looking for affection.

Also, is it possible to take him to a psychiatrist or therapist? I know he might seem young, but one of my friends a long time ago was having some issues when she was 10 or 11 (her parents went through a nasty divorce) and she really benefited from that...that was quite some time ago, but still.

God bless you and your mother and your niece and nephew. Those kids need as much love and affection as you can give them.