Grieving and depressed, does it ever get better?

Question

All right...so this past April a friend of mine from high school killed himself. We hadn't seen each other in years, but his mom is one of my best friends. In fact we met through him when I was 14. We had a falling out because he was brilliant but slacked off in school, failing classes that if he had just done the homework he would have passed with flying colors. Wasted potential is one of my biggest pet peeves.

On top of all this, I know we were interested in each other and that the last time he called me it was to ask me out, but I was too busy at the time to even think about dating anyone. This makes it really difficult for me because the popular belief is that he killed himself over his girlfriend leaving him. I am filled with so much guilt even though I know it's pointless because I keep thinking that if I hadn't blown him off, then maybe he would be alive today. Or even that if I had been a better friend, maybe I could have helped him through all this.

On top of this, my grades severely dropped at my university and my parents forced me to move to where my family had been living, leaving my home of 10 years and all my friends behind. I can't talk to anyone because my other friends didn't know him, and I can't talk to his mom because I know what I feel is nothing compared to how she feels, and my family just tells me "they can't understand."

I've never been much of a cry baby, but I find myself getting in serious downswings. I become antisocial and can't stop crying and my family gets mad at me for being upset for not talking to them about why when they already said they couldn't help me. I never think about doing harm to myself as that goes against everything I stand for, but I'm completely miserable.

What can I do? How do I move past this? How do I get rid of the moodswings?

Answer 1

Look all I can tell you is don't beat yourself up. Life is S****y sometimes. Hey, I just had a kidney transplant and now that I'm getting better my wife, The love of my life doesn't love me anymore. I sometimes think I wouldn't have gone through with the op if I had known. LIfe just sucks sometimes but I guess you just gotta keep plugging along and slowly hope it gets a little better. Just remember him in a good way. Keep living and smile when ever you can. Laugh as much as possible. Slowly the pain will get less and less. Godd luck to you.

Answer 2

Let's 'temporarily' assume the worst.  This young boy killed himself because he couldn't handle being blown off and that if you had more time he would still be alive today.

You would have to have psychic ability to see that coming and be a qualified psychotherapist to help him with his distorted ways of viewing things. How practical is that?

When we are rejected/blown off we respond in thinking and emotion to the situation; however, the person who rejected us does not create which type of response we have or how severe it is.  That is influenced by our personality, some of our genes, our parents and peers role modelling, even what we see on TV.

The world is full of good and bad events (and all grades in between).  People are a mix of good and bad deeds and decisions (and all grades in between).  It is not practical or logical to be able to guess how to treat other people all the time.  We cannot be that responsible.  

Many happy and sad things will happen in life.  And that is just how it should be.  If you are going to acknowledge the negative events, then it is only right and proper that you acknowledge the positve ones also, otherwise you are untruthfully viewing the world in a lopsided way.

Sad things happen and we do not have psychic ability.  We are just human.  Your friend dying is a sad event; however, he is no longer suffering.  Life is for living.  Learn and continue to live.  You ought not take responsibility that is not yours.

Be sad about the loss, but don't take responsibility and be depressed.

Answer 3

as harsh as it sounds, it does get easier. of course you never forget the person but it does get easier with time.. no use in saying when it will becaue it's different for everyone.. but it does.. i know..

have you thought of seeing a counsellor or someone? do you have a close friend that you can confide in?

i saw a counsellor for 2 years after my mum passed and i thought it was a joke for the first couple of sessions.. i didnt think it would help but it did.. the counsellor was with me through all stages of grieving and helped me through the hard times

goodluck <3

Answer 4

This sucks. I hate death and dying. Especially when you blame yourself. You honestly do not know why he killed himself. Even if he wrote a note saying "I killed myself because XYZ" you still don't know that it true. I knew a girl who tried to kill herself and wrote a beautiful letter about why. She survived and confessed that she made it all up but thought her reason for killing herself was "lame" and didn't want anyone to laugh at her for it.

Grieving is normal and what you are going through is normal. I find that writing it out helps tremendously. I write my friends and families letters after they die. I write to them like they were just off somewhere else and would get the letter. Then I burn it or save it.

Crying and writing is great to let it all out but you should seek out groups that are there for people who are grieving. Maybe you can start one if you can't find one.

It does get better. You will never "get over it" but you will learn to live with the pain and sorrow. Most importantly, you will learn to live again. It just takes a lot of time and tears.

Answer 5

Firstly let me say that I am in no way qualified to help you.  But when I'm troubled I go to the internet for answers as well so I'll try.  Life's an interesting thing.  Things happen that no one can explain namely because there's really no logical explanation.  So let me tell you how you can beat this.  First off there is nothing you can do for your friend.  He is gone and he won't be on earth ever again.  So now you have a problem.  You have so much guilt over what you could have done to help you friend.  What I do when i feel that I am worth nothing or can't do anything is try to help people.  Anyway I can.  The best way is just to do nice things for the people you love and people who just need a helping hand.  I mean next time you see someone who needs any help give them a hand.  Talk to them. Try and improve the life of every person you meet just a little.  Depression is the reason that society exists.  Its the reason that people do selfless acts.

You don't need to see a psychologist, they'll just put you on prozac.  Group therapy is a good option I believe, because it gives you a chance to help someone else through listening to their story.        

Answer 6

Personally, I can tell you that I really do understand what you're going through. As I had my step-cousin commit suicide just 3 months ago. And I understand why you would feel guilt.

This might not be what you want to hear, or perhaps someone's already told you this before, but IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS.

Losing someone you were close to is always hard. The first couple of months are the worst seeing as everything you see or do can always become a reminder of them or things they've done or said once.

My coping mechanism was to keep a journal. I would write down everything about the said person that I loved, and everything that I hated.

I would then find some middle ground between what I hated and loved and justified them all into things I liked. I write down special memories of the person and everything happy I could recall. In the end you should always just try to remember a person for the good in them.

Please don't resort to self destroying coping by turning to blades, or drugs, or alcohol. Find a way to creatively vent. Learn to play an instrument for example, and write songs, or poetry.

Also keeping a diary, and giving it a name, would also help. It would give you the satisfaction of explainging to someone how you felt and why you felt that way. And you can always go back into your words and see for yourself.....

If this doesn't help you enough or you feel that you want to talk to anyone, even sinking to a stranger, please feel free to e-mail me. I'm an extrememly open person, and I'm very empathetic to your position. I hope I was of help.

Answer 7

It takes time.  I know exactly what you are saying. I am the same way. My best friend died two months ago. It was a total shock. I am still very hurt by this. The best thing is to have a friend talk to you, one who doesn't know the passed very well and vent or tell them how you are feeling. I'm here if you need someone. I'm a good listener. I hope I can help you.