Grown woman leaves friends hanging re: activities.?

Question

My friend does this to everyone, baits them with an activity and promises to call, then calls and says she's not feeling well or tired or her knees hurt or something. She says she just never knows how she feels or what comes up (home maintenance problems, etc). She has lost a number of friends maybe due to her wishy-washy behavior. What do I say the next time she baits me?

Answer 1

Here's how I handled it:  My friend called and asked if I wanted to go with her to a concert.  I definitely did, but I also knew that my mom wouldn't drive me to the arena and so if this girlfriend flaked out yet again, I wouldn't get to go at all.  So I told her, sure, but you go over to the arena tomorrow and buy the tickets.  I'll pay you back when you pick me up the night of the concert.

And from then on, whether it was putt putt or movies or anything that cost money, I told her to go buy the tickets now and I'll pay you back on that day.  Once she sunk her own money into the event, she wasn't likely to cancel.

Now that I'm not a teenager depending on someone else for transportation, my rule is - if someone backs out twice at the last minute, I don't ever agree to their plans again.  I make my own plans and if they want to tag along (and pay their own way), that's fine, but I'm not waiting for them to show up, I'm not holding them a seat, I'm not missing a shuttle bus or a tee time or the beginning of a concert/play/movie to wait for them.  

The people who are truly ego-centric ignore me and move along to their next victim.  The people who truly want to be your friend start making an effort to join in activities.

Answer 2

never arrange to go out with her again

Answer 3

Tell her you'll be glad to get together with her, and then ask if it's for real this time. Tell her nicely that you would like her to start keeping her plans with you. If she gets upset with you for this, then she's not a real friend to begin with.

She's probably just inconsiderate and unaware of how much this bothers people. If you tell her in a nice way, it will be an eye-opener for her. She'll hopefully change her behavior and the friendship can be saved.

Answer 4

Have you ever considered the possibility that she might not be doing it on purpose? For example, there have been MANY times I have cancelled on my friends because I do not have the strength on that particular day to carry out our plans. (I have a medical condition that causes me to feel like complete c**p some days, and most people do not understand this) The truth is I DON'T know how I will feel on the day of our plans.  Or maybe your friend is suffering from depression or an anxiety disorder that she has not shared with you. (Which I have also suffered from, and cancelled plans due to it as well) Try not to jump to conclusions or judge your friend for something that you might not fully understand.

Answer 5

I have a friend like this, but i am only 23...i guess your friend is the adult version of my friend....

well, what i did, even though IT DID NOT CHANGE THINGS - i called her out on it. she yet again came up with a fun plan to hang out or do something. she actually has a LOT of ideas for things to do but NEVER follows up and it is impossible to make plans, and if you do make plans with her, have backup plans because you pretty much know you're not going to end up hanging out with her...

i've called heron it and it went in one ear and out of the other...

i don't get people like them... they are like selfish or something....

sorry i am no help but i'd say don't be afraid to say something but don't be mean about it....but make a point, cite a specific example....

good luck...

Answer 6

what i do is i say hey call me in the avo and we will sort stuff. Then i just go on with my life. If something else comes up like another offer i will text and say hey are we still on? also i might plan to do something i would do anyway. say i gotta shop for a gift. now i really don't care if i do it alone or with someone else so i could suggest shopping and coffee. that way if the friend bails i am still sweet. try that with her. make her your "well i am gonna do it anyway so you may as well come along friend"

Answer 7

I know people like her.

The best you can do is to avoid making plans with her, for, say one month. If she doesn't change her behavior, then definitely STOP, REALLY STOP making plans with her, simply exclude her from your plans. She needs to stop playing with other people's time.

Answer 8

Like the poster before me, I have a friend like this too. Actually after a few cancelations in a row, we got in a giant fight over it. I pointed out how I had planned the afternoon for that and how her flakey-ness ruined my weekend. She argued and made excuses. I proceeded not to make plans with her for a month. I decided if she kept doing it, I wasn't going to do anything with her unless it was spontanious. Since then, she hasn't canceled again. She knows now I won't put up with it, and she might have lost me as a friend. I think if you don't make your friend accountable, you'll always be on the hook..good luck!