Guilty feeling about childcare. Childcare VS. Staying at Home?

Question

Hi. I have been a stay at home Mom for 2 years now with my 2 year old daughter. I am seriously contemplating taking a 20 hour a week "work at home job" for a large corporation. I would need to put my daughter in daycare during the 20 hours while I was working. I have found a very nice lady who does daycare out of her home.

I have never had anyone other then my own Mom babysit my daughter and I feel a bit nervous leaving her with a non family member and not being their for her 100%. I think if I look at the BIG picture it will be good for my daughter. She'll get to play with other kids, do different things that we don't always do at home and experience life a little without me by her side 24/7.

But, I have this feeling of guilt that if I take her to daycare that she may feel that I am abandoning her. Since she is only 2 years old it's not easy to rationalize and tell her she'll have fun and Mommy will be back in a few hours to pick her up and she'll understand what I am saying.

I don't need the extra income but obviously like anyone any extra income is always helpful. Plus, it will give me a little time to feel like I am doing something for myself again, since when I had my daughter I did leave a very nice career.

Anyways, just wondering from any Mom's or Dad's out there if they have ever had that guilty feeling for putting your child in daycare and how did it work out. Any words of wisdom would be great to hear. Thanks for your help.

Answer 1

I think its a great idea.  I am a stay at home mom and have thought about putting my son in day care at least one day a week just for the socialization with other kids.  They need it, and I'm sure you already knew that.  Plus staying at home for two years would have been rough on you.  I have been home for 3 months and already want to go back to work.  I love spending time with my son, but sometimes I need me time.  If I was a work, I have me time all day and socialization.  Your daughter might not like it at first, but by the time you pick her up, I'm sure she will be happy.  Best of luck.

Answer 2

Hello,

I have an 8mth old and a 31mth old and i have just gone back to work from maternity leave a week ago.

It breaks my heart to leave them and like your self Ive only ever left the with my mum.

When my daughter turned two we went to the mayor of London women's day where they have a day care for children with loads of great things for all ages and qualified trained staff.When your child has only been with family its so hard to let them go.

When we where coming back  we watched through the window as member of staff was singing  Mia to sleep and cuddling her i was so happy and it made me think that not everyone who works with children have other motives.

Going back to work will be good for you and your daughter she will get to make new friend and be prepared for school and you will feel on top of the world as going back to work is your time.

Good luck.xx  

Answer 3

If I were you, I would just think about the positives of a daycare.  First of all, it would only be 20 hours a week, unlike some parents who work 50-60 hour weeks and just hire someone to watch their children CONSTANTLY.  Secondly, she will get interaction with other children, which helps them to learn, and also, she will be having a good time playing with other kids!  Thirdly, I know you said that you don't need the extra income, but also as you said, having extra money around can never be a bad thing.  Maybe as another way to think of it as a good thing for your daughter, set some of the money aside for a college/emergencies fund for her.  This way, you will feel like you are doing good things for her, instead of just taking a job for you.  Another reason daycare is a positive is that since you are a stay at home mom, I'm sure she doesn't spend too much time without you around.  In a few years, she will be going to preschool/kindergarten, and you do not want her to have major seperation anxiety with spending so much time without you.  Daycare is a nice way to ease her into spending time away from you.  Also, as an added incentive for you, you will get a break from your daughter.  Something that a lot of parents will not admit, but eventually, you do need a bit of a break.  It will make you a better mom, by letting you have a few hours a day without your daughter there.  I really do think that in your situation, this would be a great thing for you, and more importantly, for your daughter as well.  As long as you are confident that the daycare where you will be placing her is a good place, I think that the positives DEFINITELY outweigh the negatives in this situation.

Answer 4

I think she will understand more than you think. She will understand what daycare is all about after being there a few times. It will be a great chance for her to meet some new friends.

I have a two (almost 3) year old that is getting ready for daycare himself.  

Answer 5

When I was reading your question my stomach got the tingles.I hated leaving my baby to go to work too. I work a 20 hour week and hes my only child. The first sitter he went to he hated and he was 1.She had other kids there and as soon as I pulled in her driveway he would start screaming.So I was quitting work and just staying home until my aunt took him. She babysits out her house and I completely trust her. I have trust issues and Im super cautious.My mom is the only other person who keeps him and hes now 2.5. I dont know how Ill be for pre school next year but we will see,it makes me sick to think about it. He is so outgoing and I know its for his best and hey I need my sanity too.So as long as you trust the sitter I think everybody needs a break,and to me work is my break.Good Luck!

Answer 6

Yes, it was very hard! I cried every time. And I was only working about 10 hours a week!

Since it was our first experience with daycare, I didn't know how to assess which one to enroll her in. I picked one that was busy and stimulating, that she had seemed excited about on the tour. I think it may have been a mistake. She seemed dejected and tired when I would come to pick her up. I mean, she was alright - not depressed - just a little bit shut down. In retrospect, I should have transferred her to try a different one after the first 2 weeks. They say it takes longer than that to adapt, but ... I had a gut feeling she would have been better off in a smaller, homier care. Probably not all kids would but she would, and I could tell.

So, watch for signs that something or someone about the care is putting too much stress on your daughter, once she is used to it. Ideally, you would not start work until she was used to care (2-3 weeks), so you could pick her up early at first and make sure she was not stressed by being there several hours at a time right off the bat.

The tough thing for me was leaving her when she'd cry. But you have to leave purposefully and blithely, without transmitting any anxiety about it, and assume that she'll be distracted pretty much immediately. They said she was, and I believe it. If you don't trust the caregiver to be bluntly honest with you, if you call during care and ask if she is happy or sad, then get a different caregiver.

At 2 I think your daughter might be socially oriented enough now, to really get a benefit out of being "out" among other children. She will make her first peer relationships, which is really neat to see. And you will enjoy having adult stuff you're needed to do again, if also being primary caregiver of your daughter doesn't cause you stress. It kinda did for me - I felt like I didn't *really* have time to do both things well. But I know tons of women do it, so whatever. Good luck.

Answer 7

I've been a stay-at-home mom for 5 yrs. now & I've only had my mom as a sitter.  I've only had a part-time job for a few hrs. a week when my daughter was little and it was great to be myself, around other adults, and to contribute to the household financially.  I think 2 is just fine for daycare, esp. if you find a good place.  At least you only work part-time, whereas some parents don't have a choice and have to work.  

Answer 8

I know that with my first daughter that I didn't want her in preschool until she could express herself, so that she could tell me if there was something going on at school that upset her.  So I did just that and it was around the age of 2 that I put her in. Now at 2 she was pretty good at expressing herself. At 2 they only took her 3 days a week and when she switched to 5 days at 3yrs, I was surprised at how much better she handled it. Kids love routine>  Id say your daughter is at a great age to start preschool.

If its only 4 hours a day, that should be fine but it depends on their personality.  If I had had your opportunity i definitely would have taken it. However I know I would have been apprehensive as well.  Its just hard being a mom.  But time away from your little one is good for her, try it for a time, allow for an adjustment period, my girl took about a month to get used to things, maybe more? But she is a mommas girl.

I think it's important to be home with your kids till they get to school age, but preschool is also very important for social skills and  it is also important for you to feel like you have an identity, and that is something I struggle with. I have two girls one 4 1/2 the other is 1 1/2. Ive had to put my business on hold and it's been hard on me. So dont worry, you are still a full time mom, and you will be glad you took the job!

Best

Kendra

Answer 9

Of course it will "work out".  Kids are resilient and easily adapt.  Question is, what is best for your child?  YOU are best for your child.  I'd stay home with her and if you think daycare is good so that she can be around other kids, you're not getting out enough.  You can fill your week with lots of activities around town with other moms and kids and be there for her to love her, guide her, comfort her, and teach her.  Daycare just isn't the same as Mom.  She will be in school before you know it and you can get back to your career.  When you look back over your life when you are 80, the time you were able to spend with her will be a little blip. You will have been a great mom at home with your child AND had  the great career.  Good luck with whatever you do.

EDIT:  I'm confused about all the "socialization" everyone says your child needs.  To be socialized means to learn culture.  A roomful of two-year-olds cannot teach this.  And when in your adult life are you going to be in a room interacting with a group of people who were born in the same year as you?  It's not real life and it is not "socialization".  If we are talking about playtime, yes all children need time playing with children their same age.  They have similar interests.  It also gives them opportunity to practice the manners and social skills ADULTS have taught them.  I don't want my child using the social skills other toddlers have showed them (i.e. hitting, picking their noses).

Answer 10

It may take a few days for her to get used to it but she will. She will learn that it can be fun and it will give both of you a break. If it is an option maybe start taking her for about a hour at a time before you start work. Try that a couple of times before you go and it will get her used to the idea of being with someone else for a little while at a time.